Episode 140 - What Kind of Friendships Do You Have?

Today we’re looking at a great topic suggested by one of our awesome listeners.  Her name is Jody, and she said that she often gets into a relationship thinking it’s mutually supportive, and then too late discovers that it’s not what she hoped it would be.  She said it would be helpful for us to look deeper into the subject of friendships, which applies to us all.

So in today's episode of Your Personal Power Pod, we're looking at all the different kinds of friendships, and the roles they play in your life.
Thank you again to Jody for her great topic suggestion.

We want to hear from you, whether it’s your stories about how self-esteem and personal power affect your life, or topics you’d like us to address in future episodes. 

We’d love for you to review our podcast. Do this on your streaming service or visit www.yourpersonalpowerpod.com , click Contact and drop us an email. 

You can also find us on Instagram and YouTube at Your Personal Power Pod.

Also, if you’d like to make changes in your personal or business life, spending time with a coach can make all the difference.  Sandy is offering a free consultation, so contact her at sandy@insidejobscoach.com and put COACHING in the subject line to schedule a free call.

Thank you for listening to Your Personal Power Pod.  We look forward to hearing from you.

And, until next time, find your power and change your life!

Transcript

Shannon: [00:00:00] Welcome to Your Personal Power Pod, a podcast about aligning yourself with the life you want. And here are your hosts, Sandy Abel and Shannon Young

Sandy: Shannon. 

Shannon: Hey, Sandy. 

Sandy: We're back again 

Shannon: like clockwork every week. 

Sandy: I know we're just so darn good and you know, that's because we have such awesome listeners who give us encouragement and show that they like what we're doing, so we just wanna keep doing it. 

Shannon: Plus it's fun as mother and daughter, we see each other a lot, but this is kind of a fun way to interact even though we are in life.

Less than a mile away from each other right now, 

Sandy: which sounds a little weird, but we really don't spend that much time together. 

Shannon: No, we really don't. But we could if we wanted to, 

Sandy: we could. And we're just fortunate that we get to live in the same town. I know so many [00:01:00] people like your brother who lives in far away state, all our grandkids live in far away states.

I'm just really glad you're here. 

Shannon: Yes, we're nice and enmeshed, and maybe we should do a podcast about that someday. 

Sandy: It's a positive enmeshment though. It's a good, 

Shannon: it's a positive, but it's true. We're talking about relationships and how ours works for us, even though it might be a little closer than some parents and kids like to be.

But today we're talking about a different kind of relationship and that's friendships. 

Sandy: Absolutely. And this is a great topic suggested to us by one of our awesome listeners. Her name is Jodi, and she says that she often gets into a relationship thinking it's mutually supportive and then too late discovers that it's not what she hoped it would be.

Shannon: Jodi, I've been there and it hurts. 

Sandy: Absolutely, it does. Friendships are tricky. Oh my gosh. Friendships are one of the things that really confuse me. The fact that it confuses me, confuses me because I like people and I, I'm usually pretty nice, but [00:02:00] sometimes they're difficult. 

Shannon: You know, as an adult, I find most things easier than I did when I was younger.

But friendships are the one thing that seem to get harder as you get older, and I don't know if that's because we become more of who we are or if it's just that we're more aware of the nuances involved. I don't know what it is, but I take my dogs to the dog park and I love watching them make new dog friends because it seems so easy.

They sniff each other and they circle each other, and then they're like, yeah. Or no. And that's it. 

Sandy: Yeah. We would be in trouble if we did that. 

Shannon: We'd get arrested. 

Sandy: Yes, it's easy for dogs and I think as adults we're just more complicated. And like you said, it's the nuances and it's very tricky to have good lifelong lasting friendships.

Mm-hmm. So today we're going to look at those 

Shannon: or to make new ones. Making new ones is just so complicated. 

Sandy: Yeah. Although, I gotta tell you, we have a couple of relatively new friends in the last couple [00:03:00] years. They're a delightful couple who the first time we got together with them, we just clicked. We interact the same with each other.

We interact with other people the same as they do. They ask a lot of questions. They care about who we are, and they really listen to answers. 

Shannon: What a gift. 

Sandy: I know and we do the same with them. And it was like, oh my goodness, you're gonna be our friends. And that was so fun to find, and I hope it lasts because it's really awesome, but that's so rare.

Shannon: It is. I have a couple of people in my life who I knew a million years ago who kind of came back around. That seems to happen in my world. I orbit people or they orbit me, and I have high hopes, but I've had those high hopes before and I think I get hung up on this. I really wanna be your friend. And then it makes me anxious.

And so then maybe I act weird and I don't mean to, or I've just kind of decided this year that if a friendship hasn't really gone anywhere, I'm not gonna give it much energy. Good. And maybe that will bring people closer to me. Mm-hmm. Or maybe that will just let the friendships that aren't supposed to happen fall [00:04:00] away and I can focus on ones that could grow, but it just seems so much harder than dating.

Sandy: Yeah. Right. And I think that's a brilliant idea. I'm glad you're gonna do that because you can't make something happen if it's not happening. So let's talk about friendships, which actually play a huge role in our lives. 

Shannon: Yeah. 

Sandy: They shape how you see yourself, how you trust others, how you handle conflict, and they're all different.

Yeah. 

Shannon: It was interesting for me to read your notes because I've never really thought. About friendships, the way we're gonna talk about them today. I've definitely had life friends who I knew outside of work, and then there are work friends or like work spouses. People joke about that. And then you move away or change jobs and you're like, oh, I would never be friends with that person in real life.

But we were great friends because we shared an office together. 

Sandy: Right. 

Shannon: That kind of thing. But I've never thought about it in the kind of detail we're gonna talk about it today. 

Sandy: Yeah. There's all kinds of different ways to look at friendships. There's acquaintances, people you know casually, you might be on a board together or something.

And [00:05:00] then there's casual friends where you actually go out and do something like a hobby together. You play pickleball or golf or something. And then there's the really close friends, the ones that you trust and share confidences with. And are emotionally supportive to each other. 

Shannon: Vulnerable with those people.

Sandy: Exactly. And it's, you know, it's safe to be vulnerable with those people. And then there's your lifelong friends. They're just stable connections with deep shared history, which provides consistency. I have a couple of those now. Women, girls, I went to high school with. Elementary school with one of them. We are long past that, but every time we get together it's just like we're back in school and we're just best buds.

We can go a year without seeing each other, but when we get together, it's still based on our history, and it's beautiful 

Shannon: and it's easy. 

Sandy: It's easy. It's very easy. 

Shannon: That's awesome. I have a couple of people in my life who've been there for a very long time, one of whom I've known since kindergarten. 

Sandy: Oh, wow.

Shannon: And that relationship has shifted over the [00:06:00] years. We were very close when I was little, and then we moved Yeah. To a different state. And we maintain that relationship for a while and then became teenagers and when our different directions, and now we're back in each other's world a little bit. Our shared history was so long ago.

Mm-hmm. And our lives have gone in such different directions that. I still consider her my longest oldest friend, but I can't relate to her on the same level anymore. 

Sandy: Right, because you're living your lives in totally separate ways. In different 

Shannon: Yeah 

Sandy: places and with different people, and you're still connected from what was, but there's all kinds of different ways that friends are connected, 

Shannon: and one of those is the function.

What function do they play in your life? 

Sandy: Like work friends provide camaraderie and support in a professional setting. People in the same chapter, like you and your friend back in school, you shared similar experiences going on, so you were there to support each other. 

Shannon: Mm-hmm. I noticed those kinds of shifts a lot in my.

Thirties and forties when friends were getting married and having kids, and I was still single. 

Sandy: Mm-hmm. 

Shannon: And what was [00:07:00] really easy at one point became a little bit more complicated because I was the one person who wasn't partnered up and everybody else had made these big life shifts. We still loved each other, but we weren't on the same page anymore.

Sandy: Yeah. That makes it difficult to move ahead with your friendship. You still have what you had, but. You can't actually interact the way you did. It's very tricky. 

Shannon: Mm-hmm. 

Sandy: It's interesting. Aristotle said there's three kinds of friendships. There's friendships of utility, which are based on mutual benefit or convenience.

They're often transactional and might fade once the benefits such as a professional connection or a shared carpool. Mm-hmm. Is gone. And then there's friendships of pleasure. And these revolve around shared enjoyment of activities such as a hobby or a sports team, or just being fun to be around, but they only last as long as that shared interests last.

Shannon: Mm-hmm. 

Sandy: And then there's friendships of the good, as he says, which is the highest form. And these are based on mutual respect and shared values, [00:08:00] genuine desire for the other person's wellbeing. And these are the most enduring. They're the ones that we all want. And I think these are the ones that our listener, Jodi wants.

Shannon: Right. It sounds like she and I totally empathize with this 'cause it's kind of what I do too. You start really liking somebody, you start caring about them, and you think that if they're continuing to show up, that they feel the same way. So you get invested and then it turns out they didn't really want the same kind of connection that you wanted and it's heartbreaking.

Sandy: Yes, it's really hard because you end up feeling betrayed when the other person doesn't mean to betray you. They're just being who they are, but you had certain expectations and then you get let down. So the signs of a healthy friendship are, first of all, mutual respect, where you respect each other's opinions, boundaries, and differences, and you don't always have to agree, but you respect them.

Then there's balance. Both people give and receive support. One person isn't always doing all the work. And I've had so many relationships where I do all the listening, all the support, all the everything, [00:09:00] all the calling, 

Shannon: reaching out, 

Sandy: reaching out, say, Hey, you wanna get together? And when I finally get tired and just stop, they just fade away.

And I realized, oh, well, I thought this was a friendship, but it was not based on trust and honesty where I felt safe. Being me because they weren't really there. 

Shannon: Yeah, you were doing all the work. 

Sandy: Yeah, I was doing all the work and sometimes I would be judged or used. I finally got smart. Like you're getting smart and saying, okay, I will back off and see what happens.

Shannon: Yeah. You gotta protect yourself and sometimes that's really hard if you're one of those people who goes through life with your heart, just out there. You gotta learn to bring it back in a little bit and let somebody show you who they are before you start investing fully. 

Sandy: Yes. And for those of us who are givers, like you and I are, that's kind of hard to do, to hold back.

But you don't wanna pour all of yourself into something until you know it's a safe place. 

Shannon: Agreed. And then those friends who do show up for you, you can recognize them because they're there even when things aren't fun or easy or convenient, 

Sandy: right? They're there for the [00:10:00] hard times. 

Shannon: And they don't want you to be anybody other than who you are.

You don't feel like you have to compromise yourself. I remember this specifically in my twenties when people were figuring out partying, going out to clubs and dancing and drinking and you know, all that stuff. And there were people who just wanted to push the limits. And I kind of felt that inner voice being like, does this really work for you?

Maybe you need to pump the brakes because this doesn't really feel like who you are. Yeah. But you still wanna be part of the group. Yeah. And so figuring that out, how do I stay true to me and stay safe for that matter. 

Sandy: Right, 

Shannon: right. While still maintaining a friend group and sometimes it's not possible.

Sandy: I'm so glad that you knew that. Good job Shannon. 

Shannon: Thanks. 

Sandy: As your mother, I am very proud of you. Good call. And it's important to know that healthy friendships aren't perfect. You can have arguments and misunderstandings, but the important thing is that doesn't end the friendship. You don't turn them into personal attacks, and you handle them with positive communication and care instead of using them [00:11:00] for manipulation and guilt.

Shannon: Yeah. One of my really long-term friendships. Kind of had some rocky decades and it got to be not a whole lot of fun to hang out together. And I finally had to say like, this isn't much fun anymore. 

Sandy: Yeah, 

Shannon: I don't wanna lose the years we've put into it, but I don't wanna keep going the way we're going either.

And thankfully that person heard me and things are turning around, but I really ran the risk of having that relationship end for a while. Yeah, because it wasn't great anymore. 

Sandy: Well, it took a lot of courage for you to do that, but you couldn't go on in a situation that was that uncomfortable, right? So you did the right thing.

You dealt with what was happening in a honest, straightforward, non attacking way. And fortunately the other person met you there. That is great and that will make your relationship stronger. You can weather the hard times. That's a really important aspect of a healthy relationship. 

Shannon: So what [00:12:00] should we be looking for when, say I'm trying to make friends with somebody and I really like who they are and what they seem to be about, but they are not reciprocating in the same way, but that's not quite apparent yet.

So what are the signs? 

Sandy: Well, this is the transactional relationship that Jody mentioned, and it's based on exchange, which is, I do this for you, so you do this for me, and they aren't always bad. In a work situation, that's probably a good thing to have a transactional relationship. But they can become unhealthy if they replace genuine connection.

Shannon: Mm-hmm. 

Sandy: So to be able to identify a transactional relationship. Notice, like you said, if someone only reaches out when they want something from you, you know, answers favors money, or if their kindness feels conditional, where support disappears when you can't give something back. It seems like there's an unspoken scorekeeping of who owes whom what for when.

It's like, I was there for you, so you better [00:13:00] be there for me all the time. Like you said, you end up feeling used and drained or anxious about disappointing the other person because you're afraid that they'll go away. 

Shannon: And 

Sandy: that's a, that's a really big red flag there if you're feeling anxious about wanting to take care of that person all the time.

Shannon: Yeah. I think that's the biggest sign for me. Some of those other things take time to recognize, you have to be friends with somebody for a long time before you start realizing, oh, this is feeling like I'm being used. Yes. You know? Right. Sometimes that takes a while to come to light, but paying attention to how you feel when you are with the other person, I think that might appear sooner.

If you start feeling anxious when they aren't calling you back, or you'd feel drained when you get home and you close the door and you just lean against it, like, oh, thank God I'm home. 

Sandy: Right. You know? Yes. Been there, done that. 

Shannon: Sometimes these things come to light long after the relationship has ended.

Mm-hmm. I had a boyfriend for a while who I had said, when we were very close, I'm here for you. I'll [00:14:00] always be here for you. I care about you even if we don't work out. That kind of thing. Right. And then he had gotten. Ill long after we'd broken up, right? He'd gotten ill and had called me or something and not like hospital Ill, mm-hmm.

Just like sick for a while. I called him back, but we never really connected and I didn't think anything of it. And he later got really angry at me and said, you promised me you would. Always be there for me. 

Sandy: Oh, wow. 

Shannon: Dude, you broke up with me and you moved across the country and you had a girlfriend, so I'm not sure where my allegiance was supposed to be in there.

Sandy: Right? Yes. 

Shannon: You know, so yeah, we had a certain relationship for a while, but you ended that, 

Sandy: you know, right. Yes. That wasn't your call. That was his, and you just went with it because you had no choice and 

Shannon: Oh, yeah. 

Sandy: You're better off. I'm sure. 

Shannon: I was really surprised that his expectation was still that I would be there for him if he had called and said, I'm deathly ill, I really need help.

Can you help me? I would've helped. He didn't say any of that, you [00:15:00] know? 

Sandy: Yeah, right, right. And he wasn't so 

Shannon: Right. So I just. Thought it was really interesting that that was still how he labeled our relationship was that we were there for each other when, no, that was not the case. 

Sandy: No, he kind of ended that.

So that was his call. So how do we deal with healthy friendships? How do we maintain them? 

Shannon: I think we're skipping over how we build healthy friendships. That's a novel we could write. 

Sandy: Well, you build them by talking about feelings and boundaries and communicating openly, and you have to address problems early, like you said about that other person.

Shannon: And then you have to continue communicating openly, respecting boundaries, being sure to set boundaries. I heard somebody say a couple of months ago, something about how I don't set boundaries to keep you out. I set boundaries to show you how to come in. 

Sandy: Oh, wow. I like that. 

Shannon: Yeah. And then you have to take care of the friendship by showing appreciation for each other.

Sandy: Always little things, small acts of kindness, gratitude, all those things. If somebody does something nice for you, acknowledge it [00:16:00] so you can grow together. And you have to realize that friendships will change as people grow and change and as situations grow and change. You might be friends with somebody when you're both married to two other people who are also friends, and then somebody gets divorced and all of a sudden this things shift and you have to reevaluate and say to the person, okay, now how are we gonna move ahead?

Deal with it directly. 

Shannon: Yes. And that is hard sometimes, 

Sandy: right? But you gotta remember that healthy friendships should add to your life. Not make you constantly stressed or unsure of your worth. 

Shannon: So then how do we deal with those relationships that are transactional? 

Sandy: First, you have to reflect honestly and ask yourself how the relationship makes you feel.

Does it make you feel energized or drained? And then, like you said, you set boundaries. Remember that it's okay to say no without explaining or apologizing. 

Shannon: Mm-hmm. 

Sandy: My two favorite phrases. Are that works for me or that doesn't work for me. 

Shannon: Yes. 

Sandy: Because people can't argue with that. [00:17:00] If you say, that doesn't work for me because, and you give a reason, they will attack the reason and tell you why it's wrong.

So don't give a reason. Just say, that doesn't work for me. I'm sorry. So I'm gonna do this instead. 

Shannon: And then you kind of have to adjust your expectations, you know, going in. I think it's important to be slow. Let somebody prove themself to you. 

Sandy: Absolutely. 

Shannon: Obviously, they're waiting for you to do the same, so you can't just hold yourself back the whole time.

Set a pace. Yeah. Kind of stick with it. See if your efforts and energy are being matched. And don't go into it with super high expectations. This is where I fail because I've hit it off with so many people right out of the gate and you get excited thinking this person is gonna be a big deal in my life.

And then you never see them again, or the next time you see them, it's totally different. You can't. Get super jazzed. 

Sandy: You have to slowly build, you take a little risk and share something little that's safe and see how they respond to it, and if they respond appropriately, and then take the same risk and share something with you and you [00:18:00] respond appropriately and you can build on that.

But if only one person is doing all the sharing and or one person is giving all the emotional support. That's too unbalanced and it doesn't work. Yeah. You know, some people aren't even aware. In fact, a lot of people aren't aware of their behavior. I don't think a lot of people that we refer to as black holes, because they will take, take, take, take emotionally.

Mm-hmm. But never give back. 

Shannon: Mm-hmm. 

Sandy: I don't think they even realize that they are. And if you are with somebody like that, you might wanna just back off because communicating isn't safe. Because they're not gonna respect what you're saying 

Shannon: if they hear you at all, 

Sandy: if they know how to hear you. So step back and if it feels one sided, you gotta distance yourself for your own health and, and mental wellbeing.

Shannon: I think it's important to add an addendum here that if you meet somebody you really like who seems to be a black hole, it's worth giving it another shot just because sometimes people [00:19:00] are in a phase of their life where that's all they can see. And sometimes people do move out of that. Yes. And I have had friends, people who I really like, not great friends, 'cause we haven't gotten that far yet, but really good people who I like spending time with, who are worth being a little bit more guarded around just because they're so fun.

Sandy: Mm-hmm. 

Shannon: And then you can kind of see when they're starting to. Like maybe life is really complicated or they're going through something and they just really don't have the bandwidth to see other people. Right. And as long as they're moving outta that and evolving, then it might still be worth putting in some energy.

It's when the repeated interactions are that it's all about the other person. And unless that's where you really like to be, some people really do because they don't wanna put themselves out there. 

Sandy: Yeah, it's safer, but after a while it's exhausting. It's 

Shannon: exhausting 

Sandy: to just give, give, give, give, give, and give and never get anything back.

Yeah. So you gotta remember that protecting your time and emotional wellbeing is not selfish. It's self-care. 

Shannon: Yeah. And the way we talk about it is [00:20:00] like, all these people have to come to us and prove themselves, but that's not the case. Like you're proving yourself to them too. Being honest, being upfront, being gentle, but having boundaries and being clear is you being a good friend.

And if. Being a good friend isn't healthy for you, then don't do it. 

Sandy: Right. 

Shannon: You have to carry your side of the weight too. 

Sandy: Yeah. Like when you form a friendship, it's important to get clear on what you hope to get out of it and what the other person hopes for. And if you have the same goals, then you'll be able to create a strong friendship.

It's important to remember that healthy friendships are built on care, respect, and trust. And transactional relationships focus on exchange and benefit, and they can both be healthy as long as you recognize the difference in where you want to go with it. 

Shannon: Mm-hmm. 

Sandy: And understanding this helps you choose relationships that support your growth and happiness because you deserve friendships where you're valued not for what you provide, but for who you are.

So remember, building strong relationships takes time, [00:21:00] self-awareness and courage, but it's one of the most important skills you can develop and will impact how you run your life. 

Shannon: Thanks for being my dearest friend, mama. 

Sandy: Well, and thank you for being mine, Shanny. I was so smart to have you. 

Shannon: Well, I appreciate it.

So, 

Sandy: and thanks to Jody for suggesting this great topic. 

Shannon: Very much so. We've talked about it in the past, but we haven't done a podcast on it 'cause it's just so messy and complicated and hard to pin down. But I hope this was helpful. 

Sandy: Right. And we want our awesome listeners to know they're not alone. 

Shannon: Not at all.

Sandy: Everybody struggles at one point or another with friendships. 

Shannon: So tell us about it. 

Sandy: Yes. 

Shannon: We wanna know the relationships that you consider successful, the ones that bombed spectacularly. If there are any topics in there you would like us to discuss, please send us that information. You can visit us at your personal power pod.com.

Click contact and drop us an email. You can also find us on Facebook and [00:22:00] YouTube and all those other social media channels. If you wanna learn about coaching and how Hi can change your life. Contact Sandy at sandy@insidejobscoach.com and you guys can chat. And until then. Find your power and change your 

life.