136 – How to Help a Child Build Positive Self-Esteem

As we talk about all the time, your level of self-esteem makes a huge difference in how your life unfolds. When self-esteem is low, everything is a struggle and life is a challenge, yet when it’s high, life can be a fun and successful adventure.

Whether you’re a parent, family member, caregiver, teacher or friend, if there is a child in your life, you play a powerful role in helping that child see their own worth and believe in their potential. In today’s episode of Your Personal Power Pod, we talk about helping a child build positive self-esteem.

We want to hear from you, whether it’s your stories about how self-esteem and personal power affect your life, or topics you’d like us to address in future episodes. 

We’d love for you to review our podcast. Do this on your streaming service or visit www.yourpersonalpowerpod.com , click Contact and drop us an email. 

You can also find us on Instagram, Facebook, and YouTube at Your Personal Power Pod.

Also, if you’d like to make changes in your personal or business life, spending time with a coach can make all the difference.  Sandy is offering a free consultation, so contact her at sandy@insidejobscoach.com and put COACHING in the subject line to schedule a free call.

Thank you for listening to Your Personal Power Pod.  We look forward to hearing from you.

And, until next time, find your power and change your life!

Transcript

Shannon: [00:00:00] Welcome to Your Personal Power Pod, a podcast about aligning yourself with the life you want. And here are your hosts, Sandy Abel and Shannon Young

Sandy: Shannon, happy New Year. 

Shannon: Happy New Year to you. I'm so happy it's 2026. 

Sandy: Yes, 2025 went really sideways for you, but it all whited in itself. Everything is good and 2026 is going to be awesome for everybody. 

Shannon: Happy New Year to everybody. We're doing kind of a cool thing today. We talk a lot about self-esteem and how to boost your own and where it comes from, but we haven't talked a lot about how to instill it in other people.

Especially kids. 

Sandy: Children, yes. Which is where self-esteem comes from. You can build it as an adult, which I did, but it's [00:01:00] much easier if you start when you're small. So we thought that we would talk about how to do that. If you have children in your life, there are many things you can do to help them create positive self-esteem.

Shannon: So first, let's start off by talking about self-esteem and just reminding ourselves what it is. What is it? 

Sandy: Self-esteem is your internal sense of worth. How you feel about who you are, what you can do, how you fit in the world. Built not by constant praise or perfection, but by feeling loved and discovering you're capable and competent, and being valued for who you are.

Shannon: How do you recognize when kids. Have positive self-esteem. 

Sandy: When kids have positive self-esteem, they take on new challenges. They're able to handle mistakes and setbacks with resilience, they're able to build healthy relationships and show empathy and kindness to others. 

Shannon: And then when it comes to kids who maybe don't have self.

Steam or that are kind of working on building it. [00:02:00] You see the opposite behaviors that maybe they're not trying new things, they doubt themselves, they're looking to other people for approval. 

Sandy: Exactly. And they isolate. Try to avoid people because they feel that they don't measure up. It's incredibly difficult when you don't have positive self-esteem.

Shannon: So what's the first step when it comes to helping your kids build healthy self-esteem? 

Sandy: The foundation is a strong, loving connection, so you have to be sure to create that by showing unconditional love. Let your child know they're valued, not for what they do, but just for who they are. You make sure they're aware of all their wonderful qualities.

They're smart, they're fun, they're clever, creative, all those things. 

Shannon: This feels to me like the most important step. If you can't see your kid as separate from you, then you can't recognize them for being an individual. 

Sandy: Exactly. That is a huge, important thing. See who they are. Help them. See who they are [00:03:00] and love that person.

Be present. Listen actively when they talk. Make eye contact, nod, show genuine curiosity. We talk about active listening all the time. Mm-hmm. But especially with your child. 

Shannon: I read somewhere there's an equation and I forget what the touches are called. Basically it says, for every negative thing you say to your kid, you have to say so many more positive things to counterbalance.

Sandy: We tend to remember the negative. Think about when you've had interactions with people. Do you remember more of the positives? Or if somebody was snide or nasty, that still sticks in your mind? 

Shannon: Mm-hmm. But 

Sandy: all the people that tell you they love you and what they love about you, for some reason, we don't retain that as much.

So you have to offer consistent affection. Let them know all the things you appreciate about who they are, and then encourage their efforts. It's not about the achievement, it's not about you got an A, because then you're just gonna create a fear of failure. Instead, focus on their [00:04:00] process about, I love how hard you worked on that project, or you hung in there and didn't give up even when it was tough.

You appreciate the process, not the outcome. 

Shannon: That's what teaches the resilience. 

Sandy: Yeah, and it lets them know that even if they didn't get the A, they're still a lovable, valuable, capable, competent person. Mm-hmm. 

Shannon: A lot of the things I've seen with friends of mine who are parents, well, and even my nieces and nephews when they were little, it's really hard to let little people who you love make mistakes and you have to let them make mistakes.

You don't wanna let them make lethal mistakes, 

Sandy: right? Not right. Yes. 

Shannon: You have to let them learn. You can tell a kid 800 times. Don't run around the pool. Right. But if they run around the pool and fall in or slip and hurt themselves, they won't run around the pool again. 

Sandy: I remember long ago, oh my goodness, very long ago.

You were like four and your brother was like one and a half, two. And we had some wide steps that weren't very high on the back [00:05:00] porch. He was trying to crawl up and down the steps and you kept picking him up and carrying him up the steps. I kept saying, Shannon put him down. He has to learn. And you were saying, but mommy, he's gonna hurt himself.

No, he has to learn to climb up the steps. We're right here. We won't let him. You know, but you wanted to make it safe for him, and it was safe, but you wanted to make it easy, and I had to help you learn. That he could never learn to climb the steps if you were picking him up and putting him there. 

Shannon: I just wanted to be in control of him.

Well, there's that too. That's all that was. I'm kidding. I don't remember. 

Sandy: You don't remember that? I don't remember that very well. And it was just sweet of you. You wanted to help your little brother, but he had to learn, and that's what I see so many parents do now. They don't allow their children to experience natural consequences.

Shannon: Yes, that, 

Sandy: yeah. 

Shannon: We 

Sandy: live on a street where people walk their children to school. There's an elementary school at the end of the street, and there's a [00:06:00] parent walking with a fourth grader, fifth grader, and the parent's carrying the backpack. Mm-hmm. It's like, why let your child learn to take care of him or herself?

Let the kid carry the backpack. In fact, let the kid walk to school by himself. He's two blocks. 

Shannon: Well, this is part of giving kids real risk. Exactly. I mean, how else do they learn to take care of real responsibilities when they're adults? It starts when they're young, 

Sandy: right? I know a lot of parents who still make their child's bed when the child is 10, like, really you and your brother.

I'm not saying we did it all right, but we turned out really quickly, so I guess we get it right. You guys turned out fine. As soon as you could pull up a sheet, you made your bed. It wasn't perfect and I did not need to swoop in and make it perfect. You were learning to make your bed, and as you got older, you had other household chores.

Because a family is a team. Mm-hmm. And everybody on the team needs to have a job and participate. Children having responsibilities and helping make decisions and take care of pets [00:07:00] all builds a sense of competency and self-worth if you don't allow your child to do those things, if you wait on them hand and foot, they grew up feeling entitled.

And don't really feel good about who they are. 

Shannon: Mm-hmm. And if you're going to give your kids real responsibilities and timelines, like you have to make your bed every morning, you have to be really careful about making sure you are also doing the same thing. It can't be the rule that you do dishes after dinner.

If, when it's your night to do dishes, you put 'em off till the next day. Right. You have to be consistent. If you're giving out responsibilities, you have to hold yourself accountable just as much as you're holding them accountable. 

Sandy: Absolutely. We talk often about being congruent. Yes. You have to walk your talk because they're gonna watch everything you do.

If you say one thing and do another, they're gonna go, oh, well I guess they didn't really mean that, and I don't have to be accountable either. Right. So accountability and congruence are really important when you're teaching children when they're. Held accountable to [00:08:00] do their chores and they do them.

They will feel confident and proud of themselves for having accomplished things. 

Shannon: And part of the team. 

Sandy: And that's an important part of all of this, making sure that everybody is part of the team and everybody has equal kinds of responsibilities and accountabilities. 

Shannon: Mm-hmm. So we talk about modeling with behaviors, and one of those behaviors you need to pay attention to is the way you talk to yourself.

Sandy: Yeah. Children mirror what they see. So if they hear you criticizing yourself saying things like, I'm so bad at this, or I hate how I look, or I could never do this. They learn that self-criticism is normal and what you need to be doing is modeling self-compassion by saying things like, well, that didn't go how I hoped, but I'll try it again.

Mm-hmm. And I'll be better next time because I've learned from it. 

Shannon: You're showing them how to be kind to themselves. 

Sandy: Exactly. And that they're worth being kind to. 

Shannon: That's the thing right there, that they're worth it. And then you wanna create opportunities for your kids to succeed. 

Sandy: Absolutely. [00:09:00] Everybody has their own talents and skills.

Some people are really good at music or art or sports. If you put a child who loves art and force them to go play football, that may not be a fit for them, and you're setting them up to fail, find out what they really love, what they're good at, or what their interest is. Then encourage them to participate in those activities.

Shannon: It isn't about winning here, it's just about finding something you can fall in love with, grow with, find joy in and participate in. So everybody needs something that they can immerse themselves in and find joy. 

Sandy: Yes. See your child and identify what they want to do. Yes. Not what you want them to do. 

Shannon: I remember a story about a famous dancer who had gone on an interview with her mom when she was little.

She'd gone on this interview, I think, to get accepted to a school. Mm-hmm. And she'd been in trouble in the past because she couldn't sit still. And she was antsy. And she fidgeted all the time. And so they were trying to get [00:10:00] her into this new school and the headmaster picked right up on it and said. This child needs to be in a dance class.

Sandy: Wow. Cool. And 

Shannon: that's where her life went. 

Sandy: That was her skill. That was her talent. That was who she was. Wonderfully enough, somebody identified that. 

Shannon: What's interesting about it is that that was her talent and her skill, but it didn't fit in in other places. And because of that, she was seen as more of a problem.

Sandy: And then she found her space with the help of that teacher, 

Shannon: right? 

Sandy: Yes. See your child. What matters to them? What excites them? Then help them excel at that. 

Shannon: Tell them how cool they are. 

Sandy: Tell them I love the way you think about things. Or you make our family better just by being you 

Shannon: calling out the qualities that you want to see in your kid.

Like if you see your child interact with somebody else and show that person a kindness. You know that feeling where you get all proud and warm inside, you know? And tell them. Tell them. I'm really proud of the way you handled that situation with kindness. 

Sandy: Yeah, because these [00:11:00] affirmations shape how your child sees him or herself, and creates the inner voices that will stay with them for life.

As you know, we talk a lot about your inner child, those voices from your past, stay with you into your adulthood and do a lot about defining how you run your life. So please be aware, as a parent or as anybody who is working with children, your words are going to stay in their head long after you are not in their life.

Shannon: I was in band. Mm-hmm. In fifth grade. Yeah. Sixth grade. I was young. I played the flute and I used the word play in quotes. My band teacher did not play the flute. Oh. He played all kinds of other things. So I wasn't learning a whole lot of fluting. And so I quit because I wasn't getting anywhere. And I'll never forget the thing he said to me when I told him I was leaving band.

I was, what, 11 in fifth grade? 

Sandy: Yeah, yeah, yeah. 

Shannon: And he said to me, that's [00:12:00] okay. Shannon Music is a deep subject for shallow minds. What the heck was that? He insulted me because I quit band. He basically told me that I wasn't, that music wasn't where I was supposed to be. 

Sandy: Yeah. 

Shannon: And so now I collect instruments and don't play them.

But that one man who had so little time in my life planted that one sentence in my head that never went away. 

Sandy: Well, I hope you can let it go now, because it does not apply, and he was wrong at the time. 

Shannon: Well, thank you. I'm old enough to rephrase it and reframe it. It was just acknowledging that what you say to a kid matters.

Sandy: Always, they internalize everything. You've gotta pay attention when you talk to a child. Yeah. And make sure you come from a positive place. Even if you are correcting or teaching or disciplining, do not attack who they are. They'll keep that forever, just like that awful teacher did to you. That's terrible.

And remember that even confident children have moments [00:13:00] of doubt. So you gotta be patient and stay supportive and remind them that feelings come and go. 

Shannon: Yeah, and if low self-esteem becomes the norm and starts to affect everyday life, there's help out there so you can seek support from a counselor or a school psychologist.

I also think it's important to acknowledge that parenting is really hard. Right, and you are not gonna be perfect as a parent and you're gonna snap at your kid and you're gonna say things that you wish you hadn't said, and learning how to take responsibility for that and apologize to your kid and move forward in a different way can be really helpful too.

Sandy: Absolutely. So remember, the bottom line is that building your child's self-esteem isn't about making them feel special all the time. It's about helping them feel secure and capable, competent, valued, resilient, and loved. Always remember that your words, actions, and presence, teach them the most important lesson of all.

I am worthy [00:14:00] just as I am and I can keep growing. 

Shannon: Thanks, mama. I feel very lucky to be your kid. 

Sandy: Oh, well I'm so lucky to be your mom, Shannon. It is. Just the most wonderful gift in my life. You and your brother are the biggest gifts every day. And to all our listeners, happy 2026. I hope that this year brings everything you wish for 

Shannon: and then tell us all about it.

Yes. Yay. We love your stories. We wanna know about your self-esteem struggles. We wanna know about your self. Deem successes and how you've claimed your personal power. And then if there are topics you want us to talk about, let us know about those. We would also love for you to review our podcast, and you can do that wherever you stream or just visit your personal power pod.com.

Click contact and drop us an email. You can also chat with us on Instagram at your Personal Power Pod. And if you wanna learn about coaching and how it can change your life, contact Sandy. At sandy@insidejobscoach.com. Thank you so much for listening. We look forward to hearing from you, and until next time, find your [00:15:00] power and change your 

life.