Do You Fight or Pick Your Battles?

Today, we’re talking about something that might sound simple but can be really tough to master: picking your battles and letting things go. It’s about knowing when to stand your ground and when to just move on.  This is something we all struggle with at times. The important thing is to know to when to speak up, and when it’s better to just let something go.  In today’s episode of Your Personal Power Pod we look at when to fight and when to walk away.


We want to hear from you, whether it’s your stories about how self-esteem and personal power affect your life, or topics you’d like us to address in future episodes. 

We’d love for you to review our podcast. Do this on your streaming service or visit www.yourpersonalpowerpod.com , click Contact and drop us an email. 

You can also find us on Instagram and YouTube at Your Personal Power Pod.

Also, if you’d like to make changes in your personal or business life, spending time with a coach can make all the difference.  Sandy is offering a free consultation, so contact her at sandy@insidejobscoach.com and put COACHING in the subject line to schedule a free call.

Thank you for listening to Your Personal Power Pod.  We look forward to hearing from you.

And, until next time, find your power and change your life!

Transcript

[00:00:00] Shannon: Welcome to your personal power pod, a podcast about aligning yourself with the life you want. And here are your hosts, Sandy Abel and Shannon Young.

[00:00:21] Sandy: How are you today? 

[00:00:21] Shannon: Hey, Sandy, I'm doing well. How are you? 

[00:00:23] Sandy: I am great, and we are experiencing fall weather now. It went from 80 degrees to 40 degrees all of a sudden. So I guess that's what we do here in Southern Oregon, and we love it, but it's kind of interesting. 

[00:00:37] Shannon: Am I the only person who struggles to get dressed this time of year?

[00:00:40] Sandy: I have to figure out what I wear when it's cold, because I'm so used to trying to wear. Things that keep me cool and then I need something that keeps me warm. It takes a while to get in the habit again. 

[00:00:50] Shannon: Today's not really supposed to be much warmer than 50 something, which is crazy, but I'm okay if it's really cold and I'm okay if it's really hot, but I can't figure out what to put [00:01:00] on if it's going to be 60 degrees, 

[00:01:02] Sandy: right?

[00:01:02] Sandy: It's about layering because it's 40 in the morning and then it's 60 or 65 in the afternoon. I learned when I moved to Oregon 50 years ago that you layer and you just put different layers of clothing on and then take them off as the day goes on. At least that works for me. 

[00:01:20] Shannon: This is the time of year when I just don't look like I have it together because 

[00:01:24] Sandy: You're so funny.

[00:01:25] Sandy: You always look like you have it together. 

[00:01:27] Shannon: You're nice. So tell us about our topic today. 

[00:01:30] Sandy: These days. It seems like people are just all worked up about everything. It just is kind of amazing. And then there's the politics thing and everybody's got strong opinions. They're always fighting. I thought, what in the world, whether I fight with my neighbor, which I don't about who's better for a presidential candidate is not going to influence.

[00:01:52] Sandy: And it's just going to cause negative vibes all around, and it's going to last way longer than the situation does. So I was thinking about, [00:02:00] do you always have to fight? Or do you just pick your battles? 

[00:02:04] Shannon: Yeah. 

[00:02:04] Sandy: Sometimes it's okay to let things go. It's about knowing when to stand your ground and when to just move on.

[00:02:10] Sandy: We all struggle with it at times. The important thing is to know when to speak up and when it's better to just leave something alone and let it go. Yeah. So that's what we're talking about today. 

[00:02:21] Shannon: I have a Facebook friend who I really like and respect and I know is a smart person who sometimes posts quote unquote news stories from less than reputable sources and I always want to be like, man, you're smarter than this.

[00:02:37] Shannon: Like, do some fact checking, do some credibility digging, but like, what is that going to accomplish? 

[00:02:43] Sandy: Exactly. They're still going to do what they do. And a lot of people believe that if it's on the television or the computer or social media or something, that it's real. A whole lot of what's out there is just somebody's attitude or idea or opinion.

[00:02:57] Sandy: It's not real at all. Or, they take [00:03:00] a real story and spin it to meet with their audience. Belief is, you aren't going to change their minds. 

[00:03:06] Shannon: And I don't want to publicly humiliate them. Call them out in public. We're not that good of friends. And if we were ever at a cocktail party and had the chance to chat, I might say something.

[00:03:17] Shannon: Just like, hey, I noticed you're always posting this. Why did you find this site? And what does it do for you? 

[00:03:22] Sandy: But you're not fighting. You're just gathering information. 

[00:03:25] Shannon: It really does irk me. Like I want to say something badly, like, this is part of the problem with America. That too is part of the problem with America.

[00:03:38] Sandy: But you don't, see? You pick your battles, which involves the ability to recognize when to confront an issue and when to step back. back. It's not about dodging all conflicts, but about judiciously allocating your energy and time and resources to address things that genuinely matter, not everything. 

[00:03:59] Shannon: It is [00:04:00] interesting to remember that not every situation requires a response.

[00:04:04] Shannon: Not even every question requires a response. This was an eye opening thing that I learned. Not. terribly long ago that when someone asks you a question, you don't necessarily have to answer that question. You give them an answer, but you don't have to answer what they asked you. 

[00:04:19] Sandy: And you can always say, I don't need to go there, change the subject or all kinds of things if you don't want to get into it.

[00:04:26] Sandy: If you know, they're asking the question to try to change your mind, because if you fight over every little thing. thing. It can be exhausting and it can also damage relationships a lot. Yes. Then again, if you ignore things that are really important to you, it can eat away at your self respect and cause problems there.

[00:04:44] Sandy: So it's about finding ways to preserve your energy and stay focused on what truly matters to you. 

[00:04:51] Shannon: And then knowing when to stand your ground, what is worth fighting for. 

[00:04:56] Sandy: Yeah. And knowing when it's just fine to let [00:05:00] things go. 

[00:05:00] Shannon: So how do we know the difference? 

[00:05:02] Sandy: One of the key things you can ask yourself is, is this a personal threat?

[00:05:07] Sandy: Is somebody challenging you in a way that will cause you physical or personal harm in some way? Then you obviously have to stand your ground. Or is this an issue that affects your values? If they're crossing a boundary, disrespecting you, that kind of thing. You can speak up and stand up for yourself, but you still don't have to fight.

[00:05:26] Sandy: You can just say, I don't need to listen to this, I'm going to leave. If you want to talk to me, please be respectful, something like that. But you don't need to argue and fight about it. If it's a difference of opinion, just on a minor topic, you can just choose to ignore it, like you said. Let it go. Change the subject.

[00:05:44] Sandy: It was interesting. I was in a meeting the other day. One of the people works in a grocery store. She was saying that it's challenging right now for the clerks because people coming through the line want to talk politics. The clerks are [00:06:00] there to check them out and be friendly in the process, but not get into a political discussion.

[00:06:05] Sandy: She was trying to figure out how to help her clerks set some boundaries around that and be friendly and nice, but not go where these people want to go. They come through the line and say, Hey, the elections in two weeks, who are you going to vote for? They can't go there. It's not the place or time, but it's also none of this person's business.

[00:06:24] Sandy: The clerk has to learn how, even if they feel passionate about it, to just step back and let it go and deal with what they're doing then. 

[00:06:32] Shannon: What did she come up with? 

[00:06:34] Sandy: Being able to focus on what the clerk is doing, if somebody wants to talk about it, they can say, well, I hope that works for you, something vague like that, but not express any opinions whatsoever, because that's not the place for it.

[00:06:49] Sandy: The clerk in the grocery store is not going to have a political discussion with you. Hopefully. Well, and that's what she's working on teaching her clerks to do or not to, but it's about choosing your [00:07:00] battles. Just letting things roll over and blow away instead of confronting everything that comes through the line.

[00:07:07] Shannon: Will this matter next week, next month, next year? 

[00:07:10] Sandy: Exactly. If it's not going to have a lasting impact on you, it's probably not worth the stress or the confrontation. 

[00:07:16] Shannon: We kind of seem like we, as a society. I feel like everybody's opinions have the same weight, which is not true. You're allowed to have your opinion, but your opinion about a subject you know nothing about doesn't carry as much weight as the opinion of somebody who works in that industry and has studied it for years.

[00:07:36] Shannon: Unfortunately, that's true, you know, and I don't know where we came to this place where we all feel like we have to pitch in our opinion. 

[00:07:48] Sandy: Yeah. There again I think it goes back to social media. There's just opinions everywhere all the time. You find the one that resonates with you and then you just hear it over and over and it makes [00:08:00] you believe that that's the only way to look at things.

[00:08:02] Shannon: Or you just fight with people online expressing your opinion so they can express theirs all in the name of engagement, which Yeah, 

[00:08:10] Sandy: and I don't get that at all. It's just 

[00:08:11] Shannon: not healthy. Why do Right. 

[00:08:14] Sandy: These are people you don't know and will never meet. So why create negativity? Learn how to let it go because the focus is peace of mind, clarity.

[00:08:25] Sandy: If you just want to prove a point, maybe you don't need to do that because they're not going to listen anyway. 

[00:08:31] Shannon: There's a big difference between a disagreement that's an opportunity for growth between you and someone who matters to you, and one that's just draining. 

[00:08:38] Sandy: Right. If you're dealing with a situation where both people are willing to listen, and that is the key, really listen, not just be quiet for a minute, so you can have an honest conversation, come to an understanding, then it might be worth it to bring up uncomfortable topics or topics that are controversial.

[00:08:57] Sandy: But if they're not willing to listen, then [00:09:00] just save your breath, just save your energy. There is absolutely no point. 

[00:09:04] Shannon: And we say you're not going to change somebody else's mind, especially if we're talking about something like politics. But sometimes if you really want to engage with this person, open up your mind because you might have your mind changed too.

[00:09:15] Shannon: Fighting just to fight doesn't make sense. But if you really want to learn something, listen and be open minded. 

[00:09:22] Sandy: Yeah, if you're having a discussion with somebody who is really passionate about what they believe, just listen and see where they're coming from. They may be totally bonkers off the wall making no sense, or they might have some really good points, and you have to be willing to change your mind.

[00:09:38] Sandy: If you learn new things that might shift your perspective, be open to that. 

[00:09:43] Shannon: And also, if you're more open to hearing somebody, and to having your mind changed, they might also be more open to hearing you and having their mind changed. We tend to dig in when the other party digs in. 

[00:09:55] Sandy: Yeah, and then we don't listen at all.

[00:09:57] Sandy: Right. And if you do realize that maybe the [00:10:00] other person has a really good point or two, and you might have been a little off kilter, it's okay to back down. That's not a failure. That's wisdom. Yes. Being smart enough to grow and learn. You don't always have to be right. 

[00:10:13] Shannon: I think it's also important to point out that we've been talking about conversations and what's worth picking up and running with and what's not, but this can also just apply to regular everyday situations where you encounter other people, but you're not even having a conversation.

[00:10:29] Shannon: I'm thinking all those ego involved things like road rage, somebody cuts you off in traffic and you get mad. 

[00:10:36] Sandy: Oh yeah. 

[00:10:36] Shannon: Well, you have the choice to be like, Yep, I'm sure I have done that to somebody in the past too. That person may be having a bad day. They may be on their way to something they don't want to go to.

[00:10:47] Shannon: Like it doesn't mean it's okay to drive unsafely, but it doesn't have anything to do with me personally. And you can kind of feel when you decide to let that get you and take offense to it, [00:11:00] or if you're just like, yeah, didn't like it made me feeling safe. But everyone's okay and I'll just put a little more distance between me and other people on the road now.

[00:11:08] Sandy: Yeah, and I'm going to stay away from that person who could be scary. A little self preservation there. 

[00:11:12] Shannon: The day that my husband and I got married, we had an evening wedding, a couple of days after Christmas, many, many moons ago. And then after our ceremony, we went to a tavern, kind of a local landmark. And there was a guy who made some snarky comment about like, Oh, is it date night?

[00:11:31] Shannon: Because I had on a fancy dress and he had on a kilt and a suit jacket and I was giddy and don't tend to pay attention to things like that. So I just thought, I was like, no, we just got married, you know? Yay. But later my husband told me that guy, my husband spent many, many years as a bouncer in a bar. And so he reads.

[00:11:49] Shannon: people differently than I do and reads crowds differently than I do. I don't read them. And he reads them very well. And later he said that guy wanted to fight him because he's a [00:12:00] very tall man and people push his buttons a lot on purpose. He just diffused that situation by being very respectful.

[00:12:08] Shannon: Respectful to that man. There was no conversation about like, I'm not gonna fight you or whatever. He just was like, he called him something like boss. Like, Hey boss, you know, hope you're having a nice evening. 

[00:12:18] Sandy: Right? 

[00:12:18] Shannon: Totally took the air out of what could have gone really poorly if he had been a less self-controlled person.

[00:12:25] Shannon: Right. I know plenty of men in my past, or just people in general who would have taken that bait. 

[00:12:31] Sandy: Yeah. He's wise and smart and knows how to pick his battles and how to let things go. Instead of having a brawl where you would have had your wedding night end with your husband hauled off to jail, you had a lovely wedding evening.

[00:12:44] Shannon: And I didn't even know it was happening. He diffused it so skillfully. 

[00:12:49] Sandy: Yeah, that's a great story and it's true. You have to pick your battles. If you do what your husband did, he wasn't backing down, he wasn't losing face, there wasn't anything to be ashamed [00:13:00] of. He was really in control of the situation by not fighting.

[00:13:04] Shannon: Yeah. 

[00:13:04] Sandy: Just staying calm and dealing with it, letting things go. 

[00:13:08] Shannon: But in situations like that, if you choose to be ego involved, and you choose to be offended, things are gonna go poorly. And even at the very least, if it never goes beyond that moment, you've allowed somebody else to disrupt your peace. 

[00:13:23] Sandy: Yes.

[00:13:24] Sandy: And you've lost your control, even if you're not acting it out, you're not in charge of you anymore. And the important thing is to claim your power and be in control of you at all times. And you don't need to prove anything to the world. Your husband didn't need to prove anything to anybody. He just read the situation and said, this is what we need to do to keep it calm here.

[00:13:45] Sandy: And he did it. So good guy. 

[00:13:48] Shannon: Thanks. 

[00:13:49] Sandy: So, when you feel like you want to confront something, ask yourself, what is it I'm going to gain by confronting this? And what will happen if I just let this go? And a lot of [00:14:00] times the answer is, nothing bad will happen and a lot of good will happen if you let it go.

[00:14:05] Shannon: That's so hard. 

[00:14:06] Sandy: Right? But when you hold on to something negative, it's like holding on to a hot coal. You're the one getting burned. Nobody else is getting burned when you hold on to something. Throw it away. Leave it alone. You're I'm sure that your husband did not leave that evening feeling like he had backed down or done anything to be ashamed of or embarrassed about.

[00:14:26] Sandy: I think he probably felt proud and good that he maintained control and he was in control of the situation by letting it go. It can be incredibly freeing 

[00:14:35] Shannon: and powerful, 

[00:14:36] Sandy: very powerful. And if you're stuck on something small, all you got to do is shift your focus from what's bothering you to thinking about what's going well in your life.

[00:14:46] Shannon: You can just forgive people. We all make mistakes. We all have dumb opinions sometimes. We're not always right about everything. That's where I tend to go with this is like, well, this is what I really want to say in [00:15:00] response to X, Y, Z, but do I really know that my opinion's correct too? 

[00:15:04] Sandy: It's correct for you, but it 

[00:15:06] Shannon: might be completely and totally factually 

[00:15:09] Sandy: wrong.

[00:15:09] Shannon: So if I'm gonna wade into a conversation, I might want to know what I'm talking about. 

[00:15:15] Sandy: Yeah, absolutely. Religion is one of those things where there are a whole lot of beliefs and every religion has its own beliefs and some mesh and some don't and some people don't do religion at all. Whatever you believe, hopefully is right for you, but it doesn't mean it's right for everybody and it's not your job to change everybody.

[00:15:34] Sandy: It's your job to live what you believe and allow others to do the same. So you let go of the need to convert everybody to your way of thinking or saying that if They don't believe what I believe and they're just wrong because that's not true. That's your belief. Right. You can let go the need to make everybody think what you do.

[00:15:55] Shannon: I had a friend who was new to a religion and really enjoying it, and [00:16:00] it was really working for her. And I was very pleased for her that she found something that made her life better. 

[00:16:05] Sandy: Right. 

[00:16:05] Shannon: We were talking about that. We'd gone to Catholic school together when we were kids, so we kind of had a baseline place to, to go.

[00:16:11] Shannon: to start this conversation from. After she got done telling me all about it, I said, that's awesome. That's good for you. And she said, well, do you believe the same thing? And I said, not necessarily, but that doesn't mean that it can't be perfectly valid for you. What feels right for me is different. I understand that what feels right for you may be different from what I think.

[00:16:30] Shannon: And she said, well, you can think whatever you want to think. But if it's not what I believe, it's wrong. 

[00:16:36] Sandy: Oh dear. And our 

[00:16:38] Shannon: relationship has not recovered from that. And that was decades ago. 

[00:16:42] Sandy: Yeah. And that's really sad. 

[00:16:44] Shannon: Because it showed me she didn't respect that I was allowed to my own religious beliefs.

[00:16:49] Sandy: Yeah. That's one thing in our country is everybody's allowed to believe what they want to believe, and they're not allowed to force them on other people. And I'm sorry about your friendship, [00:17:00] but apparently it wasn't very real if it was based on you guys totally believing the same thing. 

[00:17:06] Shannon: Right. Just in saying that one phrase, you're wrong, she essentially said, we can't move forward allowing each other to be who we are without judgment.

[00:17:15] Sandy: And that's unfortunate. 

[00:17:16] Shannon: You can do a lot of damage. 

[00:17:17] Sandy: Yes. And it would have been nice if she had just let it go and said, yes, you have the right to believe what you believe and this is what I believe and we're still good friends. 

[00:17:26] Shannon: Right. 

[00:17:26] Sandy: But she couldn't let it go. 

[00:17:28] Shannon: She couldn't let it go. 

[00:17:29] Sandy: Letting go is a conscious choice to put your peace and your relationships and all kinds of things first.

[00:17:35] Sandy: It's a strength. It's about protecting your peace and using your power to choose what you let affect you. 

[00:17:42] Shannon: And it's also about being gracious with other people. 

[00:17:45] Sandy: Yes. 

[00:17:46] Shannon: You may have an opinion about something that is right, but chances are pretty good your whole life you haven't always been right. I 

[00:17:53] Sandy: hope not.

[00:17:54] Shannon: Let everybody else have that same grace. Exactly. Unless it's really important. 

[00:17:59] Sandy: Right. If [00:18:00] somebody is violating your values in a way that is going to be harmful to you, if they're personally attacking you, then stand up and fight, verbally, hopefully, not physically. 

[00:18:09] Shannon: Or if it's something that's going to eat away at a relationship if it's not addressed, figure out a way to address it without being black or white.

[00:18:19] Sandy: Yes. And we're back to listening, really hearing, and at the end, respecting and allowing each other to come from where you're coming from, as long as it's not harming anybody else. 

[00:18:31] Shannon: And truthfully, if you really want to change somebody's mind, and it's worth it for you to have that conversation, and get to it.

[00:18:37] Shannon: involved that way, you'll have a much better chance of changing their mind if you hear them tell you why they think the way they think in the first place. 

[00:18:46] Sandy: Absolutely, and it may make sense to you. 

[00:18:48] Shannon: It might make sense to you. 

[00:18:49] Sandy: Right, because they came from somewhere that this way of thinking was valuable or important and you go, Oh, okay.

[00:18:57] Sandy: I get that. And then I came from this other place [00:19:00] where this is how we thought and that worked for us. And so you think what you think, I think what I think, and we can still enjoy and respect each other because you're willing to let go the need for a confrontation or to convince somebody to go your way.

[00:19:15] Sandy: You got to pick your battles. 

[00:19:17] Shannon: Life is so much happier when you don't engage in a situation that's gonna be one person has to win. 

[00:19:23] Sandy: No, it needs to be a win win. This is not a competition. 

[00:19:28] Shannon: Have you had situations like this? 

[00:19:30] Sandy: Probably. I don't remember anything right off the bat, but I know there have been friendships that have been just sort of faded away because we were not on the same path or had the same beliefs, and it wasn't even really talked about.

[00:19:46] Sandy: It just dissipated slowly. And that's sad. 

[00:19:49] Shannon: I'm sorry. 

[00:19:49] Sandy: Well, thank you. We all experienced that. I know you have too. But the important thing is to know when to stand up and fight, know when to sit back and be able to pick your battles and [00:20:00] let things go so they don't eat at you. So the bottom line is there are times when you'll be confronted with situations that don't feel right.

[00:20:07] Sandy: It might be someone challenging your values or behaving towards you or someone or something else in ways that you feel is wrong. At that point, you need to decide if the situation is important enough to confront and fight for, or if it's just another person's opinion that really doesn't affect you at all.

[00:20:23] Sandy: Once you identify what's going on, you always have the power to pick your battles. You can decide if anything will be gained by dealing with it or if it would be better to just let it go. 

[00:20:35] Shannon: There's so much power in letting go. 

[00:20:37] Sandy: There is so much. You claim your personal power when you let go. And I hope all of our listeners will look at what they're doing.

[00:20:45] Sandy: and know when to just leave things alone and let them go. Your life will be much happier when you're able to do that. 

[00:20:53] Shannon: Thank you. 

[00:20:53] Sandy: Thank you and thank you to our listeners. We really appreciate you taking this podcast journey with us. 

[00:20:59] Shannon: We do. [00:21:00] And if you have had situations like this where you've had to choose whether to pursue a conversation or jump into an argument or just Yeah.

[00:21:09] Shannon: That's not for me. I don't need that in my life. We would love to hear about them. So please share your stories about self esteem and personal power. Also if there are topics you would like us to address in future episodes, please share those with us as well. And if you feel like doing so, please review our podcast.

[00:21:24] Shannon: You can do that wherever you stream or you can just visit us at yourpersonalpowerpod. com. Click there. contact and drop us an email. We're on YouTube now, so you can visit and subscribe there. Share the podcast with friends and family. And if you want to talk about coaching and how it can change your life, get in touch with Sandy at Sandy at insidejobscoach.

[00:21:43] Shannon: com. We look forward to hearing from you and until next time, find your power and change your [00:22:00] life.