Are You Lonely?

All human beings have a need for some kind of social connection. We need to be seen and acknowledge to feel complete.  But these days, with your fast-paced life, technology, and constant societal shifts, you might find it difficult to create the meaningful connections you crave. When this happens, you might find yourself feeling lonely or isolated.  In today’s episode of Your Personal Power Pod, we look at the causes and cures of loneliness and isolation.


We want to hear from you, whether it’s your stories about how self-esteem and personal power affect your life, or topics you’d like us to address in future episodes. 

We’d love for you to review our podcast. Do this on your streaming service or visit www.yourpersonalpowerpod.com , click Contact and drop us an email. 

You can also find us on Instagram and YouTube at Your Personal Power Pod.

Also, if you’d like to make changes in your personal or business life, spending time with a coach can make all the difference.  Sandy is offering a free consultation, so contact her at sandy@insidejobscoach.com and put COACHING in the subject line to schedule a free call.

Thank you for listening to Your Personal Power Pod.  We look forward to hearing from you.

And, until next time, find your power and change your life!

Transcript

[00:00:00] Shannon: Welcome to Your Personal Power Pod, a podcast about aligning yourself with the life you want. And here are your hosts, Sandy Abel and Shannon Young.

[00:00:20] Sandy: Shannon, how are you? 

[00:00:22] Shannon: I'm well. I'm hoping we can record today. In between the construction going on next door. 

[00:00:30] Sandy: Yeah. Which is so annoying that they're doing that. 

[00:00:34] Shannon: If you hear pounding, it is not coming from my house. 

[00:00:39] Sandy: Darn neighbors anyway, you know, 

[00:00:41] Shannon: how dare they build a new house? I know you today. 

[00:00:45] Sandy: Thanks. I'm what am I about today's topic?

[00:00:50] Sandy: It's an important topic and I think a lot of people are dealing with it. We're talking about being lonely. Yes. And lonely is when you don't feel [00:01:00] connected to somebody. And these days with our fast paced life and technology and constant social shifts and all that kind of thing, you might find it difficult to create really meaningful connections.

[00:01:13] Sandy: And when this happens, you find yourself lonely and isolated. And that's really hard. It's really hard to deal with. 

[00:01:20] Shannon: Why are you unsure of how you feel about today's episode? 

[00:01:24] Sandy: This topic can be really difficult for some people. And actually, when I was a kid, I've mentioned before that I was one of those in elementary school who was bullied and ostracized and all that.

[00:01:35] Sandy: And I was really lonely at school. Fortunately, since I've been an adult, I've been able to make it so that doesn't happen. But every once in a while, I reflect on that, and it's a painful kind of thing, being lonely. 

[00:01:46] Shannon: That makes my heart hurt for little you. 

[00:01:48] Sandy: Thank you. She's okay. I take good care of her now.

[00:01:50] Sandy: You're very sweet. How about you? I mean, have you been lonely? 

[00:01:54] Shannon: I have been lonely, I think. I'm pretty good with me. I [00:02:00] like being alone. I like spending time with me. I think I'm a hoot. 

[00:02:04] Sandy: You are a hoot. 

[00:02:06] Shannon: And I just very much enjoy my alone time. Being alone and being lonely are not synonymous for me. Exactly.

[00:02:12] Shannon: They are for some people. My loneliness has usually come in relationship with somebody else when I'm feeling like We are not understanding each other and we're probably sitting next to each other or having a hard conversation. Something isn't working right. That's when I feel lonely. 

[00:02:30] Sandy: Yes. And that's a really common thing.

[00:02:32] Sandy: Hopefully it's a passing thing, not a permanent thing. For some people feeling lonely is a pretty permanent condition because of whatever their situation is. 

[00:02:42] Shannon: Is it a choice? 

[00:02:44] Sandy: I think if you continue to feel lonely, it's a choice. 

[00:02:47] Shannon: Okay. 

[00:02:47] Sandy: Being lonely is the mental or emotional discomfort you might experience from being physically alone or feeling like you said, you're sitting there talking to somebody, but they're not getting it and you're not connecting.

[00:02:59] Sandy: It's what [00:03:00] happens when you're not connected to at least one other person. Like you said, being lonely and being alone are really different, where loneliness is a feeling, while being alone is a situation or state of being, which you can change. I mean, if you are being alone, you can go out and find somebody to connect with if you want to.

[00:03:19] Sandy: But if you feel lonely, you're feeling that nobody gets you, nobody sees you, even if you're surrounded by people, you feel like you're just isolated. 

[00:03:31] Shannon: I'm thinking about times that I've felt lonely. There haven't been a lot of them. The older I got being single, the more lonely I felt, but only because the people around me continually pointed out how I wasn't partnered up with somebody.

[00:03:48] Shannon: And that just made me feel like, People don't understand. My dentist actually said to me one day, Shannon, do you want to die alone? My dentist said that to me. 

[00:03:57] Sandy: He was an interesting guy. 

[00:03:59] Shannon: No, [00:04:00] but it's not like I can just order him from a catalog. Like I'm sorry. Men, I don't think, get this as much as women do, because there's nothing wrong with being an older bachelor.

[00:04:15] Shannon: But for some reason, American society really has a problem with women who aren't somehow coupled up when they get older. That felt very lonely, because I felt like the last single person. 

[00:04:27] Sandy: Well, you felt like you were being judged. 

[00:04:29] Shannon: Well, that too. There are plenty of women who choose. Of 

[00:04:33] Sandy: course. And not get 

[00:04:34] Shannon: married.

[00:04:35] Shannon: But I wasn't one of them. I wasn't saying I'm purposely single. And it just felt like being the last to be chosen for dodgeball, you know? 

[00:04:43] Sandy: I can relate to that one. Yeah. Loneliness is hard. And whether somebody else is pointing it out to you or whether you just feel it when you're even in a crowd, it's a tough thing.

[00:04:55] Shannon: Yeah. 

[00:04:56] Sandy: And there's several reasons why people can feel lonely. Life [00:05:00] transitions, if you move to a new city or start a new job or your relationships end, like you said, you know, you were in a relationship and then it ended and you weren't, when you lose your support system or your people, you might feel lonely.

[00:05:12] Shannon: Yes, or cultural changes. It used to be really common for multiple generations to live together in a house. Grandparents, parents, kids. Right. But now that is not the case, and more and more people are choosing to live alone and work from home. We're just not seeing as many people living with as many people.

[00:05:32] Sandy: Exactly. You don't have the face to face interaction. And so you might end up feeling isolated without even realizing that you're creating it yourself by just staying inside all the time. And a lot of that can be attributed to social media and technology. It supposedly connects us, but it doesn't connect us.

[00:05:50] Sandy: in real valuable ways. It helps you do business and it helps you send quick messages. But if you want to make a heartfelt [00:06:00] connection, technology is not the way to do it. It 

[00:06:03] Shannon: can be helpful. I mean, there are friends of mine who live on the East Coast who I don't ever see, but Zoom calls are awesome. 

[00:06:10] Sandy: They are awesome.

[00:06:11] Sandy: And that's cool. It all depends, like everything, it all depends on how you use it. . 

[00:06:15] Shannon: Yes, that's true. You still have to make a conscious decision to connect in different and more meaningful ways. 

[00:06:21] Sandy: Exactly. Internal causes, like you said, you're pretty good with yourself, which is awesome, which is why you're not really lonely or weren't really lonely even when you were a single person.

[00:06:31] Sandy: But if you have low self-esteem or self-worth issues, you don't value yourself and feel worthy of connection. You might unconsciously push people away or fail to see the opportunities for connection. And so you end up being lonely that way. 

[00:06:45] Shannon: Or you might just struggle with the fear of rejection or judgment.

[00:06:48] Shannon: So you don't put yourself out there. One of the things about getting older just from being a kid to becoming an adult is that it used to be really easy when we were kids to make friends. Yeah. And [00:07:00] it gets so much harder when you get older. 

[00:07:02] Sandy: Right. There's different levels of friendship too. There are people you, you know, might play pickleball with, which is great and you have fun, but you're not really connecting on an emotional level.

[00:07:13] Sandy: Once the ball game's over, you go your separate ways. But then if you decide to go to lunch and actually get to know who the person is, that's a whole different deal. It's a risk. If you're feeling lonely and you reach out to somebody, that's a huge risk. And if you've been betrayed or abandoned in the past, you might not feel safe and trust is an issue.

[00:07:34] Sandy: It's about identifying that you are lonely, looking at your situation and seeing what you want to change. 

[00:07:42] Shannon: So how do we do that? 

[00:07:44] Sandy: First of all, acknowledge that you're lonely and look at the causes. Are they internal or external? Are they situational, like you've just moved to a new city and you don't know anybody?

[00:07:54] Sandy: Or are they what you're telling yourself about who you are? If they're internal, you have to practice self [00:08:00] compassion. Speak to yourself kindly, give yourself permission to feel whatever you feel without judgment, and then start to work with your inner child and learn to love and value the amazing person you are.

[00:08:10] Sandy: Like you do, which is great. You do too. I took a while, but I learned to do that. And I think my inner child is pretty cool. 

[00:08:19] Shannon: I agree with that. 

[00:08:20] Sandy: So there. 

[00:08:21] Shannon: And I noticed some of the things that we both do, and I don't know if it is part of healing your inner child. A lot of the things we like to do, we like to do alone.

[00:08:31] Shannon: You like to walk. I like to kayak. Yes. And those are things we do by ourselves. 

[00:08:36] Sandy: Right. But we know that when we get home, there will be somebody there that sees us. So we don't feel lonely while we're doing those. other activities. We don't need a person right by our side because they're in our hearts, and we know that they'll be there when we need them.

[00:08:52] Shannon: But those are activities that, I don't know about walking for you, but for me, I started kayaking to do something fulfilling. 

[00:08:59] Sandy: [00:09:00] Yes. 

[00:09:00] Shannon: It was a thing that brought joy to me. Yes. And so even though it took me away from, for the most part, other possibilities to connect with other people. It was something that I could fill a day with that then I felt like when I got home, I'd done something meaningful, which made me happier and more likely to reach out to other people.

[00:09:18] Sandy: Exactly. Yes. So you could be there for them. So they wouldn't be lonely. Yeah. You kind of refilled your soul. Yes. That's what walking does for me and kayaking does for you. And I do know people who really need people to, to help them. refill their soul. They need that human connection a lot more than you and I do.

[00:09:37] Sandy: That's the introvert extrovert thing. Either way, all of us at some point need somebody who actually sees us and hears us. And if we don't have that in our lives, we will probably feel lonely. 

[00:09:50] Shannon: I think too, a lot of it starts with us. 

[00:09:53] Sandy: Yes. If you don't 

[00:09:55] Shannon: see and hear and validate yourself, You may search for it all [00:10:00] over the place from other people.

[00:10:01] Shannon: They can't do that for you. 

[00:10:02] Sandy: They can't take care of that. They can't fill you. You have to fill yourself and you have to love yourself. Then bring that wonderful person you are into relationships with other people. And hopefully they will do that with who they are with you. then you too will not be lonely.

[00:10:18] Shannon: Getting there, sometimes journaling or meditation can help you get in touch with you. 

[00:10:22] Sandy: Yeah. A lot of people are in relationships like you mentioned that are not fulfilling and they are in social circles where they are discounted or ignored. So it's not just about having another human body around, it's about finding the right kind of connection.

[00:10:39] Shannon: Man, it just gets more and more complicated. It does. Making friends. at the age I am now is so much harder. Why 

[00:10:46] Sandy: is that? 

[00:10:47] Shannon: I think because my tendency is to be pretty open up front and pretty real up front, and that doesn't always work. 

[00:10:56] Sandy: Well, and what you find out when that doesn't work is that those are [00:11:00] not your people.

[00:11:00] Sandy: They may be very nice people, but they're not your people because you need people in your life who interact the way that works for you, which is on a real level, not a superficial level. Finding those people and having the time to sit down and get to know them and realize, oh yes, this could be really good, takes a lot of time and it's hard to find that.

[00:11:20] Sandy: There are a lot of acquaintances in our lives who are very nice folks, but they're not going to take care of your need for real human connection. It's like the pickleball group, you know, that's great. Go play pickleball. That's fun. But unless you get to know each other on a slightly different and deeper level, they're not going to help if you're feeling lonely.

[00:11:39] Sandy: Because as soon as you leave the pickleball court, you're just going to feel lonely again. 

[00:11:43] Shannon: Oh, I get exhausted just thinking about it, about trying to figure out how vulnerable to be with someone and when, because I think we've all been with that person who just shares everything about themselves. And you're just like, Whoa, 

[00:11:57] Sandy: Hold up, 

[00:11:58] Shannon: I don't need all that right [00:12:00] now, 

[00:12:00] Sandy: but 

[00:12:02] Shannon: it can also be tempting to reveal more about yourself and then that makes you that person who's sharing too much information.

[00:12:10] Shannon: It takes a lot of attention. 

[00:12:11] Sandy: It's a balance. There has to be a balance when you're building a relationship. First of all, you have to be present. You put away your phone during a conversation. If I meet with somebody and they put their phone face up on the table, they're not with me. They keep glancing at their phone.

[00:12:26] Sandy: If they put it away in a pocket or a purse or something, turn it off, then they're with me and that starts building trust right there, but you got to be fully present to make other people feel valued and understood, practice active listening, make sure you connect on a real way. And both people have to do that, then you can start building a relationship and that will help if you are feeling lonely.

[00:12:48] Shannon: You talk about taking small social risks. What does that mean? 

[00:12:52] Sandy: Well, join a group or a club like pickleball or rotary or the library club or whatever. [00:13:00] Any kind of organization that has people doing something you enjoy is a great way to meet like minded people. And then once you do that, I keep saying pickleball, but with anything, after you have done the activity, if you've found somebody that you think might be interesting, and you like, and would like to get to know better, start a conversation with them.

[00:13:19] Sandy: Ask a question, or say hello, or give them a compliment, just to start a connection, and see where that goes. 

[00:13:26] Shannon: It's fun in the company that I work for when we have solo travelers call and ask if we ever have solo travelers join our river trips and we say all the time because if that's an activity that you love and the other people in your life don't, chances are pretty good they're not going to do it with you.

[00:13:44] Shannon: If you wind up on one of these trips, you might make really good friends. It's fun to see the number of people who come on these trips solo and make friends, and now they do trips together. 

[00:13:54] Sandy: Oh, how fun. That is awesome. We say that all day long. Well, it's a real bonding experience. I mean, you're [00:14:00] going down a rapid river.

[00:14:01] Sandy: It's sort of not life threatening, but it's thrilling. It's drama 

[00:14:04] Shannon: bonding.

[00:14:09] Sandy: Yeah, you go through something like that with another person and they're there to support you and you're there to support them and you have a great time and you've just built a great bond. 

[00:14:17] Shannon: And nobody's phone works. 

[00:14:19] Sandy: Isn't that great? You have 

[00:14:20] Shannon: to talk to each other. So it's fun to see. And then also sometimes reconnecting with old friends.

[00:14:24] Shannon: You know, you were friends for a reason once. Maybe that reason still exists, or maybe there's a new reason. Reaching out to people you've drifted away from just because life has happened the way life happens, it can be fun to reach back out and reconnect and see if you still have whatever it was that made you friends in the first place.

[00:14:44] Sandy: Absolutely. You can also volunteer or help. Other people find ways to do that, and you'll join a larger community of people who are all focused on helping others. And that's a wonderful way to deal with loneliness if you're feeling lonely. And also practice [00:15:00] gratitude. Being grateful. We talk about this a lot because it's so important.

[00:15:03] Sandy: Notice the trees and the birds and the beautiful sky and all the amazing things that you're surrounded by wherever you live can reduce your feelings of loneliness. So it's important to take time each day to reflect on the connections you do have, no matter how small, and start paying attention to them so you can shift your mindset from scarcity to abundance.

[00:15:23] Shannon: Yes, it's very easy when you're feeling lonely to focus on how lonely you feel. Yes. But the more you do that, I promise you, the lonelier you will be. Will feel. 

[00:15:32] Sandy: Yes. It does not solve a thing. 

[00:15:34] Shannon: No. It is a place to notice, oh, this is where I am. Okay, how do I stop being here? Exactly. 

[00:15:40] Sandy: That doesn't mean you have to have, you know, a lifelong partner in your life or something like that to not feel lonely.

[00:15:46] Sandy: There are wonderful people all around who might be as lonely as you are, or might just wanna include you in whatever their life is going on about. Be sure to pay attention to yourself and reach out. So the bottom line is that it's [00:16:00] the nature of human beings to want to be seen and appreciated. And when that doesn't happen, you might feel lonely.

[00:16:06] Sandy: Loneliness is something we all encounter at various times in our life, but it doesn't have to be permanent. By understanding its root causes and taking small intentional steps, you can reconnect with yourself and build meaningful relationships with others. Remember, it's okay to feel lonely, but you don't have to stay in that space.

[00:16:25] Sandy: Reach out to someone. Take a step forward. Be vulnerable. And most importantly, be kind to yourself in the process. 

[00:16:32] Shannon: Yeah. Thank you, Sandy. 

[00:16:35] Sandy: Thank you, Shannie, and thank you to our listeners, and if you're feeling lonely, please reach out to us. We'll be here for you. 

[00:16:42] Shannon: Absolutely. 

[00:16:43] Sandy: Absolutely. We would love to hear from you.

[00:16:45] Shannon: And if you're struggling with self esteem and personal power, or if you have great stories about self esteem and personal power and how they affect your life, please let us know. We love to hear what you're interested in and where you're growing, and if you have topics you'd like us [00:17:00] to address in future episodes, please share those with us as well.

[00:17:03] Shannon: We would love it if you wanted to. review our podcast and you can do that wherever you stream, or you can just visit your personal power pod. com click contact and drop us an email. You can also visit and subscribe to our YouTube channel. And if you want to learn about coaching and how it can change your life, contact Sandy at Sandy at insidejobscoach.

[00:17:22] Shannon: com. We look forward to hearing from you. And until next time, find your power and change your life.