Do You Really See, Understand, and Connect with Others?

Human connection and being seen and appreciated are at the heart of all meaningful relationships. It’s a basic human need to be acknowledge and validated.  If this happens for you when you are young it will help you create a strong self-image and healthy self-esteem, and when it doesn’t, it can cause you to feel insecure, unsure of yourself, and not be able to claim your personal power.  In today’s episode of Your Personal Power Pod, we talk about the power of true connection, and what it means for people to really understand each other. We look at how to genuinely see others, why it matters, and what happens when you fail do this.


We want to hear from you, whether it’s your stories about how self-esteem and personal power affect your life, or topics you’d like us to address in future episodes. 

We’d love for you to review our podcast. Do this on your streaming service or visit www.yourpersonalpowerpod.com , click Contact and drop us an email. 

You can also find us on Instagram and YouTube at Your Personal Power Pod.

Also, if you’d like to make changes in your personal or business life, spending time with a coach can make all the difference.  Sandy is offering a free consultation, so contact her at sandy@insidejobscoach.com and put COACHING in the subject line to schedule a free call.

Thank you for listening to Your Personal Power Pod.  We look forward to hearing from you.

And, until next time, find your power and change your life!

Transcript

[00:00:00] Shannon: Welcome to Your Personal Power Pod, a podcast about aligning yourself with the life you want. And here are your hosts, Sandy Abel and Shannon Young.

[00:00:20] Sandy: Shannon, how are you today? 

[00:00:22] Shannon: Sandy, I am excellent. How are you? 

[00:00:24] Sandy: I am great. Thank you. I am really appreciating having power in our house. Yes. 

[00:00:32] Shannon: Yes. 

[00:00:32] Sandy: We were. away for several days, and when we got home yesterday around noon, we didn't have any power. And it turns out that Pacific Power had let us know on Thursday, when we were not here, that they were going to turn our power off on Sunday for maintenance.

[00:00:50] Sandy: And so we came home and didn't know that, and we're running around to the neighbors trying to figure out, do you have power? Do you have power? And it was really interesting because the people across [00:01:00] the street had power, but the people on our side of the street did not. So we were confused for a little while until we checked our messages and went, Oh, they turned it off.

[00:01:10] Sandy: Thank you so much. So right now I'm really appreciating just having electricity in the house. 

[00:01:16] Shannon: It makes doing a podcast a whole lot easier. 

[00:01:18] Sandy: It does. I think we would not be doing this if we did not have electricity. 

[00:01:25] Shannon: So tell us about our topic today. 

[00:01:27] Sandy: Well, this is just a hugely important topic. We're talking about, do you really see, understand, and connect with people?

[00:01:35] Sandy: We all see people visually throughout our day. We connect in different ways, but to really feel like you know somebody and to feel like somebody knows you is a great skill to make that happen. So we're talking about human connection, which means being seen and appreciated and is at the heart of all meaningful relationships.[00:02:00] 

[00:02:00] Shannon: Most of our podcast is about getting good with yourself so that you can allow other people to see you. But today we're talking about giving the gift of seeing other people and how important that is for both of you. 

[00:02:13] Sandy: Exactly. It's a basic human need to be seen and appreciated when you're a child and your parents or the people around you, your siblings see you, appreciate you, value you.

[00:02:24] Sandy: It helps you create a strong self image and great self esteem. 

[00:02:29] Shannon: But 

[00:02:29] Sandy: when that doesn't happen, which for many, many people it doesn't happen, kids are just sort of in the way, they're not really valued, they're loved, but they are not made to feel real important. It can cause you to feel insecure, unsure of yourself, and not be able to claim your personal power as an adult.

[00:02:46] Shannon: What does it mean to truly see another person? 

[00:02:50] Sandy: Seeing, visually, on the surface, means you recognize their physical appearance or you just listen to their words, but truly seeing [00:03:00] goes much deeper and involves understanding and empathizing with their inner world, if they're willing to share it with you. 

[00:03:07] Shannon: It means caring about their thoughts, their emotions, their experiences, who they are and why they are.

[00:03:12] Sandy: Exactly, exactly. It involves more than just observing their external characteristics or what they happen to be doing that day. It's about recognizing their humanity and understanding their feelings, being present with them in a way that validates their experiences. 

[00:03:28] Shannon: It seems to me that truly seeing another person is a lot about Just allowing them to be who they are.

[00:03:39] Shannon: It's not imposing your need for them to be any particular way on them. 

[00:03:43] Sandy: Exactly. And it's about actively listening and engaging with who they are and who their inner self is, not just their outer person. In order to do this, to really connect, you have to be willing to be fully present and take the [00:04:00] time and make the effort.

[00:04:02] Sandy: Imagine you're having a conversation with a friend who's going through a tough time. Instead of simply offering advice or saying, gee, I'm really sorry and quickly moving on to other topics. You take time to really listen. You ask open ended questions. You reflect on their feelings. You use facial expressions that show sympathy and concern and caring.

[00:04:23] Sandy: You show empathy. And the other person, when you do this, will feel valued and seen. 

[00:04:30] Shannon: I've had a couple of conversations with friends over the past few weeks who have had important people in their life pass on. 

[00:04:39] Sandy: Yes. 

[00:04:40] Shannon: Those are hard conversations, I think, for us to have simply because we don't know how to be there.

[00:04:46] Shannon: for people going through really tough times like that. And what I've found is, as soon as I find out, I usually call, which I think is really rare. I think a lot of people post on Facebook, say, let us know what you need. And the truth is that sometimes these [00:05:00] people don't know what they need. 

[00:05:01] Sandy: Exactly. 

[00:05:02] Shannon: So I usually just call.

[00:05:03] Shannon: Yeah. And. 

[00:05:04] Sandy: It's beautiful, Shannon. Let 

[00:05:05] Shannon: them know. Talk. Well, I mean, I learned that the hard way, because it is really uncomfortable for me, and I really want to be the right thing for them, but I don't know what that is, and they don't know what that is. 

[00:05:16] Sandy: Right. 

[00:05:16] Shannon: Just the fact of saying I'm here, and on the phone, you know, like, talk really here.

[00:05:23] Sandy: Really here. Right. 

[00:05:24] Shannon: It's uncomfortable for me because I don't want to do or say the wrong thing, but they both at the end of the phone call had said, you're the only person who called. Thank you for calling. I may call you again just to talk. And that is such a gift to me because it says I'm allowing them to feel whatever they need to feel.

[00:05:42] Sandy: And to be who they are. Right. Because when you see somebody, you're fostering a deep connection, genuine connection that's building trust. And they trust you now with their feelings. 

[00:05:52] Shannon: I hope so. Yeah. But I think it's important here to say, what do I want? Yes. Because I know [00:06:00] we've all had conversations with people where we have felt like we're opening up and we say something that's actually really important to us and it gets glossed over or ignored or we're told we're wrong and you can feel the door close in your heart.

[00:06:13] Sandy: Oh yes, absolutely. Yeah, and that happens more often than not, I think, because people seem to be in such a hurry all the time, or they've got their phone in their hand, that they're not really 100 percent with you when you're sharing those things. 

[00:06:28] Shannon: So there, I'm sure, are a ton of benefits of truly seeing the people in your life, and they're probably physical, emotional, spiritual, like all the way around.

[00:06:40] Shannon: Because we're all connected. Like, we're all part of the same thing. 

[00:06:43] Sandy: We are. And what we're talking about is actually seeing that, seeing each other's humanity. When people feel truly seen, they're more likely to be open and engage honestly. And that is essential for building strong, supportive relationships, whether they're personal or professional, even.

[00:06:59] Shannon: [00:07:00] Yeah, so if you and your network are more empathetic and understanding with each other, then those tendrils creep out into the rest of society and we start building a more empathetic and understanding society, which we are in huge need of right now. 

[00:07:15] Sandy: Oh my goodness, we need that. And there are a lot, a lot of people who are doing it.

[00:07:20] Sandy: They just unfortunately do not get the press, the news that the people who are doing awful things get. But there are so many people who are really making an effort to connect and care about and see other people. 

[00:07:34] Shannon: So on the flip side, what happens when we don't make that effort? To truly see others. 

[00:07:38] Sandy: Well, it can lead to misunderstandings, feelings of isolation for both people.

[00:07:43] Sandy: You might feel invalidated or neglected. Like you said, you share something really personal and somebody goes, gee, that's too bad. Did you check the game yesterday? You've just been totally shut down and ignored, and that relationship is shaky right there. It just strains [00:08:00] relationships and leads to a huge lack of trust.

[00:08:02] Sandy: You're not going to risk sharing that sensitive part of yourself with that particular person again because they just stomped all over it. 

[00:08:10] Shannon: And eventually that will just destroy your relationships if it keeps going that way. I think we all have moments where we miss what somebody is saying and invalidate somebody by accident, unintentionally, but being able to have those conversations, especially with like your front row people, your spouse, your kids, your best friends and saying, Hey, I really felt like you didn't give what I was saying the appropriate attention or weight.

[00:08:33] Shannon: And can we revisit that conversation? And if the other person is willing to do that with you and understands where they failed, then that can go a long way towards furthering your relationship. 

[00:08:44] Sandy: Absolutely. But if they go, Oh, well, I didn't think it was such a big deal. Then they have just reinforced the fact that they are not right.

[00:08:53] Sandy: really your people. 

[00:08:55] Shannon: Yes, exactly. 

[00:08:57] Sandy: And when that happens it undermines the quality of [00:09:00] the connection and can make you feel isolated if everybody in your life does that. Hopefully you have people who do not do that, who actually make the effort to listen and pay attention and be there for you. When you don't make the effort to truly see other people, you cannot have a positive relationship at all.

[00:09:19] Shannon: I feel like we need to touch on boundaries here because you can go through life seeing and being open and allowing everybody access and giving everybody access. Does that make sense? 

[00:09:34] Sandy: Yes, absolutely. 

[00:09:35] Shannon: And it's dangerous. 

[00:09:36] Sandy: Yes. You have to choose who you are willing to be open with. You have to have some kind of trusting relationship before you allow yourself to be open and real.

[00:09:48] Sandy: And the other person will earn that privilege by allowing Having shown that they're trustworthy, that they respect you, that they will value your confidences and be [00:10:00] supportive of whatever it is you're saying. And if you have negative experiences with a person, it's not safe emotionally to be real, which is unfortunate.

[00:10:10] Sandy: So, it's up to each person in a relationship to make sure that they are willing to make the connection to be there for the other person. And if both people are not, then yes, boundaries are very important. Don't open yourself up if you're going to get stomped on. 

[00:10:26] Shannon: Right. It starts with respect, and respecting everybody else on the planet's right to be here, and their inherent worthiness.

[00:10:35] Shannon: And then from there, you can give them more of your time, attention, presence, if they treat it respectfully. 

[00:10:44] Sandy: Yes. And it's a process. You start with something little. When I meet a new person, it's all very superficial. Hi, how are you? And then I'll ask a question, where are you from? And they'll tell me their place.

[00:10:55] Sandy: And then I'll say, Oh, do you still have family there? And we're getting a little deeper. [00:11:00] And if they answer, then I like, Oh, wow, that's cool. What was it like growing up there? And we're getting a little deeper. If I respect what they're saying, they will. eventually share all kinds of things that are pretty personal.

[00:11:14] Shannon: People will tell you anything. 

[00:11:15] Sandy: They will. Because I don't judge. I don't judge. I really listen. I really care. I reply to what they are saying. They get the sense, because it's true, that they're safe with me. I'm not going to betray their trust. When people talk to me, it's totally confidential. I just appreciate who they are and whatever it is they want to share or don't want to share.

[00:11:38] Sandy: That's their thing. Most people are not willing to take the time to stop and do that. They'll meet somebody at a party and say, hi, where are you from? And you say, I'm from Portland. And they'll go, Oh, that's cool. I had a friend who lives in Portland. And then they'll go off on their own tangent about the experiences they had with their friend in Portland and not really listen to the other person.[00:12:00] 

[00:12:00] Sandy: But we've talked about this in our episode on communication in order to really connect with people and have them be seen. You have to give them 100 percent of your attention and not turn it around. And they also have to do that with you. And if they don't do that with you, if you ask a lot of questions and are very supportive and interested and then they say, well, this has been great.

[00:12:24] Sandy: I'll see you later. And they leave you. Okay. Well, I'm not going to trust that person ever. 

[00:12:28] Shannon: Mm hmm. 

[00:12:29] Sandy: You learn a lot about somebody by how they do or do not connect and see other people. 

[00:12:35] Shannon: I don't always think that conversation has to be part of it, too. Like I don't think it has to be that you're one on one with someone.

[00:12:41] Shannon: Some of the videos we see on social media these days, that's like, Seeing a mom at the grocery store who is overwhelmed, has her five kids with her, they're throwing everything out of the cart, she's frustrated, it's hot, and you just notice what she's going through? She's not aware of you at all. She doesn't know you're standing in the other line and seeing what's going [00:13:00] on, or she's behind you in line.

[00:13:01] Shannon: If you pick those things up off the floor that her kids threw out and put them back in the cart and say, Hey, would you like to go ahead of me? You're obviously having a hard time. You know, I'll do anything I can to make this moment easier for you. And you can see the gratitude in her eyes. Like that is seeing another person.

[00:13:17] Shannon: And maybe you haven't asked her a question. Maybe you haven't had any communication with her whatsoever, aside of noticing what's going on with her, but she'll remember that day and that moment and that you helped her. 

[00:13:28] Sandy: Absolutely. It's just really seeing and being kind. 

[00:13:32] Shannon: Because there's nothing in it for you, although there's everything in it for you.

[00:13:35] Sandy: Of course. Oh my goodness. You walk away feeling great because you've been a good human being and you've helped somebody and it always feels good to help somebody. Yeah. Excellent point. 

[00:13:45] Shannon: Thank you. So how do we get better at this? Because I think a lot of us think we see other people, but we go through life the way we go through life.

[00:13:52] Shannon: And. If you think you're doing okay, maybe you don't know how to get better. [00:14:00] 

[00:14:00] Sandy: Well, first you got to start with practicing active listening, which means you really focus on what the other person is saying without planning your response because you don't know what they're going to say. You may think you do, but you don't.

[00:14:13] Sandy: Listen while they're talking. Show that you're listening with nods and verbal affirmations and just being there with them. And then asking follow up questions. Like I was talking about, I meet somebody at a party. They give me an answer and I don't turn it in to me or my friend down the road. I follow up and it's like, oh wow, what was that like growing up in Portland?

[00:14:35] Sandy: So you ask with follow up questions to show that you care about what they're saying. 

[00:14:39] Shannon: And the question is an open ended question, the what was it like growing up in Portland? That's a question that allows somebody to actually explain. Banned upon their answer as opposed to a, how many years have you lived there?

[00:14:50] Shannon: Which is a one word answer or a yes or no question. Did you like it? Did you not like it? Yeah. Follow it up with a why question. 

[00:14:56] Sandy: Yeah. A what? What was it like? How did [00:15:00] it feel? Tell me about that. 

[00:15:02] Shannon: Mm-Hmm, . 

[00:15:02] Sandy: Those are open-ended questions. And then it's a really important to empathize the person like you were talking about your friends who have lost people.

[00:15:10] Sandy: Try to put yourself in their shoes and acknowledge their feelings and experiences without jumping into solutions. Sometimes without even finding the positive, you know, sometimes it's good to find the positive, but sometimes they just need to talk and they don't need you to tell them that what they're feeling.

[00:15:27] Sandy: isn't really all that bad. Yes, they really shouldn't feel that way, you know. 

[00:15:32] Shannon: I think that's because we just so badly want to make things better. 

[00:15:35] Sandy: It is, and we think we're helping, but just listening, using all the body language, nodding, smiling, or looking concerned, making eye contact, so important. Just being fully present.

[00:15:49] Sandy: Put the frickin phone away, you know, I hate it when I'm talking to somebody and they have their phone in their hand or even when they put it on the table with the face up, they keep glancing at it. [00:16:00] Well, they're not with me. That's not going to work. Put the phone away in the pocket in the bag. Turn it off.

[00:16:06] Sandy: Don't watch when somebody new comes in the door. Maintain eye contact. 

[00:16:11] Shannon: I once heard a quite famous person speak in a large auditorium. There were hundreds, if not thousands, of us there to listen to this person, and they held their phone in their hand the entire time they talked. 

[00:16:23] Sandy: Did they have their speech on the phone?

[00:16:25] Sandy: No. Some people use that as a prompter or something. 

[00:16:28] Shannon: She did not glance at her phone. She just held it. 

[00:16:32] Sandy: Really? Weird. And 

[00:16:33] Shannon: it was unbelievably distracting. 

[00:16:36] Sandy: Yeah, I wonder why. That's weird. 

[00:16:38] Shannon: She was wearing jeans. Put it in your back pocket. Leave it backstage. Why did you need it? I mean, to this day, I don't remember what she talked about.

[00:16:46] Shannon: I remember that she held her phone. 

[00:16:48] Sandy: Yeah. Yeah. It makes a difference because she was not fully with you folks. 

[00:16:52] Shannon: No. 

[00:16:53] Sandy: In the audience. It's such a distraction. 

[00:16:55] Shannon: And I remember thinking, are you expecting an important call? Like, aren't you booked [00:17:00] to speak for the next hour? I don't know. It was so weird, but I, I mean, her whole message got lost, which is really sad because I know she had important things to say, but she undermined herself because she couldn't Make herself fully present for us.

[00:17:14] Sandy: I bet she doesn't even realize that. I'm sorry. You didn't get to hear the speech because you were distracted. But yes, phones have definitely come between people in the last 20 years. It's made a huge difference. 

[00:17:27] Shannon: And then here's a word we hear about a lot, validating, validating and reflecting somebody's perspective.

[00:17:33] Sandy: Yes. 

[00:17:34] Shannon: Basically saying, yeah, that's legit. Yeah. It's okay that you feel the way you do. I'm sorry that you feel the way you do. It's acknowledging. 

[00:17:40] Sandy: Acknowledging their feelings without a judgment. It's not, I understand you feel that way, but it's like, yeah, that makes sense. I'm sorry, you have to go through that.

[00:17:48] Shannon: And then if you're going to, allow people to be open with you, you have to be trustworthy, reliable, responsible with their information, keep [00:18:00] their secrets if they're telling you private things. You have to treat them and what they're telling you and allowing you to see with care. 

[00:18:07] Sandy: Always always. Because you can't really see other people if you are going to go talk about them behind their back or not keep their confidence or just not be trustworthy in any way.

[00:18:20] Shannon: Yeah. 

[00:18:20] Sandy: And the most important thing is to remember to keep your focus on the other person, not yourself. 

[00:18:25] Shannon: It's not about you. 

[00:18:27] Sandy: It's not about you. When you're trying to connect with somebody, it's about them. And hopefully at some point in the conversation, they will ask you about you, and then you can talk about you a little bit and then switch it back to them.

[00:18:41] Sandy: I've mentioned in other episodes that your dad and I have been at parties where we have been talking to another couple and we've spent a good 20 minutes just chatting with them about who they are, what they do, where they, I mean, we know everything in the world about these people. And when we run out of questions, they sort of look at [00:19:00] each other and say, well, this has been really nice.

[00:19:02] Sandy: We'll see you later. That happened once. They didn't even know what our names were. They never even asked what our names were. Which is good, because, you know, I would not want to trust them with anything about me. Right. It just boggles my mind sometimes how people do not understand how to really see and connect with people.

[00:19:24] Sandy: And you can't have a relationship if you don't do that. 

[00:19:27] Shannon: It takes energy. 

[00:19:28] Sandy: Yes. 

[00:19:29] Shannon: To be fully present for someone else. I think a lot of us, especially in American society, are just At the ends of our rope, energy wise, our bandwidth is wearing thin. We aren't realizing what we're giving our energy to and how it's affecting what we could be giving our energy to.

[00:19:46] Shannon: And so if you're feeling lonely, if you're feeling disconnected, if you're feeling out of balance, I would challenge you to start putting more of your energy into connecting with people, allowing them to be [00:20:00] who they are, asking who they are, being curious about them. 

[00:20:03] Sandy: Absolutely. That's 

[00:20:04] Shannon: where those kinds of interactions, especially if they're reciprocated, those will fill you with energy.

[00:20:11] Sandy: They will. It's life affirming. It's very exciting when it happens. And before you start to share anything about yourself, make sure that they are trustworthy and that it's safe for you to do just like they will do with you. 

[00:20:24] Shannon: Yeah. It's important and it's I think one of the things that we are really lacking and it's a skill that, I don't know if it's disappearing because there are definitely people who are good at connecting with other people and you know them when you meet them.

[00:20:36] Shannon: We've all been somewhere where we just started chatting with a stranger and left feeling like, I feel like I know that person. 

[00:20:43] Sandy: Right. You feel like you've just made a friend. 

[00:20:45] Shannon: Yeah. 

[00:20:46] Sandy: Because it's been reciprocated. They've really listened to you. You've really listened to them. You have both gained a lot from that interaction.

[00:20:54] Shannon: It leaves you with a little bit of a high. 

[00:20:56] Sandy: Absolutely. And maybe it's the beginning of a great relationship. 

[00:20:59] Shannon: [00:21:00] Yeah. It is a basic human need. Don't let your ability to connect with other people, your skills in that area, wane. Because that's where you're going to find the most joy in this world. 

[00:21:10] Sandy: Yes. We all need to be seen, heard, and appreciated.

[00:21:14] Sandy: And when that happens, you make strong and lasting connections. 

[00:21:18] Shannon: Or sometimes you don't. Sometimes it's just a moment. But I think your phrase, life affirming, beautifully sums it up. Because it's being reminded, oh yeah, we're all in this together. We're all part of the same thing. 

[00:21:30] Sandy: Exactly. And the bottom line is that for you to live a fulfilled life, You need to claim your personal power, take charge of your relationships by really seeing, hearing, and understanding others and making sure that they do the same with you and creating positive and uplifting connections.

[00:21:46] Shannon: Thank you for always doing that, for letting my brother and me be who we are and seeing it through. and taking joy in it and celebrating it. You never asked us to be anything other than what we are. 

[00:21:59] Sandy: [00:22:00] Well, you're an awesome human being and so is he. And most people are pretty awesome. And you have done the same with us.

[00:22:06] Sandy: And you do that with everybody. 

[00:22:08] Shannon: Yeah, I work on it.

[00:22:12] Sandy: And I hope our listeners will look around and find the people in their lives that they really, really want to connect with. Spend some time getting to know them. It will be fulfilling for both of you. 

[00:22:24] Shannon: And then tell us how you did it. Tell us how it made you feel. Tell us how your relationships have changed.

[00:22:29] Shannon: You can do that on our website. Visit YourPersonalPowerPod. com if you also want to suggest ideas for future videos. future episodes, please do. We love it when you chime in and it really helps us to know that we're talking about things that matter to you. If you feel like reviewing our podcast, you can do that too, wherever you stream or again, just visit your personal power pod.

[00:22:50] Shannon: com, click contact and drop us an email. You can also visit and subscribe to our YouTube channel, share it with your friends and family, invite them to join. And if you want to learn about coaching and how it can [00:23:00] better your life, You can contact Sandy at sandyatinsidejobscoach. com. We look forward to hearing from you and until next time, find your power and change your life.