Do You Build Walls or Bridges?

Human beings usually crave connection with each other. Whether it’s with family, friends, colleagues, or even with yourself, the need to belong and be understood is universal. However, sometimes you intentionally or unintentionally create barriers that keep others out, and other times you make the effort to reach out and connect. In today’s episode of Your Personal Power Pod, we look at the walls and bridges you might be building in your relationships, and how those choices are affecting the way your life unfolds.

We want to hear from you, whether it’s your stories about how self-esteem and personal power affect your life, or topics you’d like us to address in future episodes. 

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You can also find us on Instagram and YouTube at Your Personal Power Pod.

Also, if you’d like to make changes in your personal or business life, spending time with a coach can make all the difference.  Sandy is offering a free consultation, so contact her at sandy@insidejobscoach.com and put COACHING in the subject line to schedule a free call.

Thank you for listening to Your Personal Power Pod.  We look forward to hearing from you.

And, until next time, find your power and change your life!

Transcript

E122 do you build walls or bridges

[00:00:00] shannon: Welcome to Your Personal Power Pod, a podcast about aligning yourself with the life you want. And here are your hosts, Sandy Abel and Shannon Young.

[00:00:20] sandy: Shannon, are you excited about today? I 

[00:00:23] shannon: am excited about our topic today. Today we're talking about building walls. Or building bridges, and which you're doing and why. 

[00:00:31] sandy: Absolutely. We all do it all the time without even realizing it, because human beings usually crave connection with each other, whether it's with family, or friends, or colleagues, or connection with yourself is really important.

[00:00:44] sandy: The feeling of needing to belong and be understood is universal. But sometimes you intentionally or unintentionally create barriers that keep others out and other times you make the effort to reach out and connect. 

[00:00:56] shannon: I think there's a time and a place for both. 

[00:00:59] sandy: Yes. 

[00:00:59] shannon: [00:01:00] I know as an introvert, there are definitely days where I am putting up walls or at least stopping construction on the bridge.

[00:01:11] sandy: Well put. Yes. 

[00:01:12] shannon: Because my energies need to be protected and I just don't have the bandwidth. 

[00:01:17] sandy: Yeah. The walls are the barriers you create, consciously or unconsciously, between you and another person. And sometimes as an introvert, you just need a short term little barrier just to have some you time. Some peace.

[00:01:30] sandy: Where you don't have to interact. 

[00:01:31] shannon: Yeah. 

[00:01:32] sandy: And it's a defense mechanism designed to keep you emotionally and physically safe. 

[00:01:36] shannon: And you can have a lot of different kinds of barriers. They can be emotionally distancing yourself from someone or something. physical avoidance or withholding trust, avoiding deep conversations, just like kind of staying out of it.

[00:01:50] sandy: Yes. Just staying away. Extroverts don't often build as many walls because they are energized by being with other people. Although if they [00:02:00] are with toxic people, they might choose to build a wall to keep themselves safe. 

[00:02:04] shannon: Well, is there a difference between walls and boundaries? You can build solid walls that don't change or you can have kind of a drawbridge where I want to be connected but I can't right now.

[00:02:16] sandy: That's a very good point because a boundary is a self empowering act you do to take care of yourself and defend your space or your health or your energy and it could be for a short term. You and I were talking about when we're with a large group of people for a long time, we just need to go outside for a few minutes.

[00:02:33] sandy: And that's setting a boundary. It's where you get clear on your intention. If you're dealing with other people, you can let them know what you expect when you set a boundary, or you can just set it and remove yourself. 

[00:02:44] shannon: So when we're talking about walls, we're talking about barriers that are set in place that are immovable.

[00:02:51] sandy: Yes, when you build a wall, you're reacting to a real or perceived threat and completely shut yourself off from the other person [00:03:00] because you feel it's not comfortable or safe. And you build walls to protect yourself from emotional and physical harm where boundaries are more movable and flexible. We build walls because we might have been hurt.

[00:03:13] sandy: The person that we build the wall with may have hurt us in the past, or it may be a situation that has hurt us in the past, so we don't trust anybody about that. So you protect yourself from experiencing that pain again, and want to keep others at a distance. 

[00:03:29] shannon: It's being afraid of being betrayed or just a reaction to past traumas.

[00:03:34] shannon: So maybe you're afraid of being vulnerable or being judged or rejected. 

[00:03:38] sandy: Yes, exactly. And a desire to maintain control because when you feel in control, part of that is you feel safe. And you want to protect yourself from pain or being emotionally or physically harmed. 

[00:03:50] shannon: Or to protect your heart. 

[00:03:51] sandy: Yes. 

[00:03:52] shannon: We've all been there.

[00:03:53] sandy: Yes, you build a wall so that somebody cannot get in there and damage you in any way. 

[00:03:58] shannon: I have friends who date. Yes. [00:04:00] And It is wild and complicated when they are attempting to get back into dating after having been really hurt. Yes. Because on the one hand, they really want someone to share their life with, but their heart is not ready.

[00:04:14] shannon: Right. And they sometimes don't know that. 

[00:04:16] sandy: So then what happens? 

[00:04:17] shannon: They work themselves into a frenzy because they're dating, dating, dating, it's not fun, they're experiencing more rejection, it's more complicated, when really what they probably need to do is just take some time, live their life, be their best self, figure out what they want and what makes them happy, and then allow somebody to come to them, but instead they try harder.

[00:04:35] sandy: Yeah, they try to make something happen that isn't ready to happen. 

[00:04:38] shannon: Uh huh. 

[00:04:38] sandy: The people you're talking about are not building walls, they're just being totally open and making it so that they might hopefully find what they want, but they also could be hurt. 

[00:04:47] shannon: Like, it's a balancing act, because building a wall for a while is probably a really good idea.

[00:04:52] shannon: Protect your heart, make sure it's regrowing just fine, and then when you feel strong enough, then you gotta knock that wall down, [00:05:00] and that's where it gets tricky. Because you're purposely isolating yourself from connection that could bring you love and joy until you're ready to accept it, but over time, you're not.

[00:05:08] shannon: that wall can become a part of you and you don't want to get too comfortable with it. 

[00:05:12] sandy: Exactly. And your relationships, if you built walls, are shallow and empty because you aren't allowing yourself to really connect with people. Often when you've built walls with people, relationships fade away. Then you just feel isolated.

[00:05:26] shannon: And wonder why you don't have any emotionally fulfilling relationships. That's right. 

[00:05:31] sandy: And a lot of people build walls and don't even realize it. I met a woman the other day, fascinating, amazing, interesting woman, who spends her whole life traveling the world, doing a wide variety of adventurous things, but she came from a family that was very difficult, and she learned that connection is not safe.

[00:05:52] sandy: She was married for a short time, but couldn't allow herself to be vulnerable. She built a huge, giant wall around [00:06:00] herself. She is very nice and charming and smart and fun and friendly, but she is terrified to give her heart to anybody. She's got a big wall around that. And I don't know if she'll ever be able to take that wall down and actually have a really strong, meaningful relationship with another person.

[00:06:18] shannon: Sometimes we build walls because we don't trust ourselves. Yes. You've been in emotionally painful relationships with toxic people for your whole life. It's really easy to say, my picker's broken. 

[00:06:29] sandy: Yeah, right. 

[00:06:31] shannon: And then you have that wall up because you're protecting yourself from you. If you don't trust that you choose the right people, well then that wall is keeping you in instead of keeping others out.

[00:06:42] sandy: Exactly. If you want to identify your walls, what you need to do is look honestly at yourself and ask, what walls have I built and why? And are they really serving you? Or are they keeping you trapped in a cycle of isolation? This woman I was talking about, I think she knows that she doesn't [00:07:00] want to be deeply emotionally heartfelt connected to somebody.

[00:07:04] sandy: She loves people, she likes people, but she learned long ago they're not trustworthy. So she's aware what she's doing and she still hasn't found a safe environment where she can start slowly and use her emotions and be vulnerable. 

[00:07:18] shannon: That's the hardest part. Just be honest with yourself. 

[00:07:21] sandy: Be willing to selectively take a chance, identify your triggers, and avoid what sets you off.

[00:07:28] sandy: But see how you can build bridges instead of walls so that you can reconnect with people. 

[00:07:34] shannon: Bridges are all about connection. 

[00:07:36] sandy: Exactly. They represent the effort you make to reach out, to understand, and to share your life with others. 

[00:07:42] shannon: And they are where you're allowed to be. to be vulnerable and that that vulnerability is received with love, support, and understanding, where you feel seen and heard and valued, where you can just be who you are and be loved for that.

[00:07:57] sandy: Exactly. There has to [00:08:00] be trust, huge amount of trust, because when you build bridges, it requires you to be vulnerable and you have to be doing it with somebody that you can trust. And you also have to have a willingness to engage with people on a deeper level. 

[00:08:14] shannon: Sometimes we feel like I wanna build a bridge with that person, so I'm gonna build a bridge all the way over to them.

[00:08:20] shannon: That right there is kind of a, I'm gonna eliminate children or teenagers from this conversation because that's different. But adult relationships, you both have to be working on the same bridge. 

[00:08:32] sandy: Yeah. If you build the bridge all the way to the other person and they're just sitting there waiting for you, this is a one-sided relationship.

[00:08:38] sandy: Yeah. They have to be willing to build from their side. That means be trustworthy, be honest, be reliable and responsible, be loyal. 

[00:08:48] shannon: They have to trust you too. Exactly. So you have to be trustworthy. 

[00:08:51] sandy: If you're the only one building the bridge, stop because just let it hang there. 

[00:08:59] shannon: It's [00:09:00] scary. The problem with learning to put yourself out there is that the only way to do it is to put yourself out there.

[00:09:05] sandy: Exactly. You have to be willing to lower your defenses and take risks. Be open to the possibility of getting hurt. 

[00:09:14] shannon: As with so many of these things, it starts with self awareness, which is painful, can be painful, but take time to reflect on your relationships and identify where you've put up walls and the fears and experiences that caused you to do that.

[00:09:29] shannon: Recognizing behaviors in the past that were your triggers, which is a huge buzzword these days. And it's one of the words my husband absolutely hates because it's really easy to say, Oh, I was triggered by that. And then it feels like you've abdicated all responsibility. But truly, if you can see where you went from being open to being closed, you'll recognize it going forward.

[00:09:51] shannon: and maybe respond, not necessarily differently, but with a different level of awareness. You might respond differently going forward because you [00:10:00] might say, oh, this is a behavior that was terrifying in the past and here's why, but it's not really a dangerous behavior. Like it's still safe for me to move toward that person.

[00:10:09] sandy: Yeah, but you got to take small steps. Yes. And be open and see how they're reacting. Are they being open? Practice active listening and be present. So that you can really be there with the other person and see how they respond. If all they do is talk about themselves, maybe you don't want a bridge. If they see you and meet you halfway, then maybe it's worth both of you building the bridge.

[00:10:34] sandy: And remember that building bridges doesn't mean you have to tear down your walls all at once. It's a gradual process that involves patience and courage and a commitment to growth on both sides. Both people have to be willing. It is a process, like you were talking about people dating. These days, I don't think they build bridges.

[00:10:53] sandy: I think dating is just fast. People meet each other and go, Oh yeah, I like you. You're cute. You like the same food I do. Let's [00:11:00] go together. You know, I was like, Really? What? Take time to build your bridges. 

[00:11:05] shannon: And take time to tear down your walls. 

[00:11:07] sandy: Yes. Make sure it's safe. Take them down one piece at a time. And if it starts to look like it's not safe, make sure that you're okay until you've, the other person has met you halfway.

[00:11:21] sandy: The 

[00:11:21] shannon: thing I think that's really interesting about Walls and Bridges is that the level of honesty required. All the way around is so big. I mean, I've been guilty of this in the past too. Back when I was dating was that it's really easy to meet somebody. They look great on paper. You start envisioning your life with them.

[00:11:39] shannon: Then you get hurt. Yes. And it's like, well, how much of a role did I play in that? How much of the fact that I'm hurt was my responsibility? Yeah. And. A lot of it, because if they've been showing you who they are the whole time, and you're refusing it for the pretty picture that you can draw, 

[00:11:55] sandy: You're seeing what you want to see instead of what's real?

[00:11:58] shannon: Let people show [00:12:00] you who they are, and that means figuring out the filters that you're seeing the world through, and getting rid of them, or at least acknowledging them so that you can look on things clearly, too. 

[00:12:09] sandy: Yes. And when you do build bridges, it's often worth it because they can lead to stronger, more meaningful relationships and a happy, more fulfilled life.

[00:12:18] sandy: But you have to take it slowly and pay attention to how it's unfolding. 

[00:12:23] shannon: And be open to something other than the picture you have. Because there are people I know who have some pretty wonderful people in their life who are trying to build bridges to them, and because it doesn't look like the picture they have in their head, they're dismissing it.

[00:12:39] sandy: Yes, and that's too bad because maybe the picture they have in their head is a little more fantasy than reality. Yes. They need to get a grip on what's really possible and see if that fits. 

[00:12:52] shannon: Truth! 

[00:12:53] sandy: But when you do build bridges With the right people, you not only enhance your life, but you enhance the lives of the [00:13:00] people around you.

[00:13:01] sandy: Just be cautious about where you build them and when, and with whom. 

[00:13:05] shannon: As with any construction project, they can be costly. So take care. 

[00:13:12] sandy: Or very rewarding. 

[00:13:14] shannon: And very rewarding. 

[00:13:17] sandy: So the bottom line is that we all crave some kind of human connection. And this can be with yourself and people in all areas of your life.

[00:13:25] sandy: And the purpose is to have a sense of belonging. When you have positive connections, it can help you regulate your emotions, bring you joy, lead to high self esteem, lower your anxiety and depression, and help improve your immune system. Positive connections make a big difference. And at times, for a variety of reasons, you can be afraid of connection and build walls to keep people out.

[00:13:49] sandy: You might build walls to keep yourself emotionally safe. Those walls can also cause you to be isolated and negatively impact your immune system. It's important to notice what you're [00:14:00] doing when you're doing this and find ways to build bridges so you can lead a healthy, happy, and fulfilled life.

[00:14:06] shannon: Absolutely. Thanks, Mama. 

[00:14:08] sandy: And thank you, Shannon, and thank you to our listeners. I hope that you are clear on where you built walls, and we'll be able to look at those and see if they're doing what you want them to do, or if maybe you would like to take them down slowly and start building bridges. 

[00:14:25] shannon: Yep, it's up to you.

[00:14:26] sandy: Always. It's always up to you. 

[00:14:28] shannon: And then tell us about it, because we love your stories, and we love it when you suggest topics for us to address in future podcasts. And if you'd like to review our podcast, you can do so wherever you stream, or just visit yourpersonalpowerpod. com, click contact, and drop us an email to talk to us directly.

[00:14:44] shannon: You can also visit and subscribe to our YouTube channel, and if you want to learn about more Coaching and how it can help you change your life. Contact Sandy at sandy at insidejobscoach. com. We look forward to hearing from you and until next time, find your [00:15:00] power and change your life.