Are You Worthy?

When you feel worthy you have an internal sense of being valuable, good enough and deserving of love and belonging from yourself and others.  When you feel worthy you know you’re a good person, respect yourself and expect respect from others. When you don’t feel worthy, you feel like you don't deserve respect, attention, or love, and that you have to constantly do things to earn it.  In today’s episode of Your Personal Power Pod we look at the importance of knowing you are worthy.


We want to hear from you, whether it’s your stories about how self-esteem and personal power affect your life, or topics you’d like us to address in future episodes. 

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You can also find us on Instagram and YouTube at Your Personal Power Pod.

Also, if you’d like to make changes in your personal or business life, spending time with a coach can make all the difference.  Sandy is offering a free consultation, so contact her at sandy@insidejobscoach.com and put COACHING in the subject line to schedule a free call.

Thank you for listening to Your Personal Power Pod.  We look forward to hearing from you.

And, until next time, find your power and change your life!

Transcript

E 121 - Are You Worthy

[00:00:00] Shannon: Welcome to your personal power pod, a podcast about aligning yourself with the life you want. And here are your hosts, Sandy Abel and Shannon Young.

[00:00:21] We just finished a three day weekend. Did you have fun? 

[00:00:24] Shannon: We did very little, which is awesome. How about you? 

[00:00:28] Yes. We worked around the house and then spent a lovely day on the lake with some friends who have a boat. It was perfect. So, a nice holiday weekend. Now we're back to real life. 

[00:00:40] Shannon: So good things were happening for you and how did you feel about it?

[00:00:43] I felt wonderful. I loved every minute of it. And you had a relaxing day. How did you feel about that? 

[00:00:52] Shannon: I felt great about it. 

[00:00:53] Isn't it fun? So we must feel worthy. 

[00:00:56] Shannon: We must feel worthy. 

[00:00:58] Which is what we're talking [00:01:00] about today. Because when you feel worthy, you have an internal sense of being valuable and good enough and deserving of love and good things and a sense of belonging.

[00:01:13] And this comes from yourself and you accept it from other people too. When you feel worthy, you know you're a good person and you respect yourself and you expect respect from others. 

[00:01:23] Shannon: Yes, and when you don't feel worthy, you feel like you don't deserve those things, respect, attention, love, or that you constantly have to earn the good that comes to you.

[00:01:34] Shannon: Otherwise, you don't deserve it. And that's a really powerful thing. Painful place to be. 

[00:01:38] Yeah. For a lot of people, they work really hard to be successful. And then when they're successful, they feel guilty for some reason. So today we're talking about, do you feel worthy? And we're going to start by looking at where does your self worth come from?

[00:01:52] Shannon: Yeah, and it all goes back to when you're little, as so many of these things do. 

[00:01:56] They do. If you're fortunate enough to have people in your life when [00:02:00] you're young, who made you feel loved and valued just because of who you are, you probably have a good self esteem and sense of self and feel worthy. 

[00:02:09] Shannon: But if you weren't that fortunate, you might have been conditioned, which I think is a really important word to remember here, conditioned, you were trained to believe that your worth is tied to your achievements, how cute or beautiful or handsome you are, how smart or fun you are, what you're good at, the kinds of grades you got, and specifically, maybe what you can do forever.

[00:02:30] Shannon: Other people. 

[00:02:31] Yeah. A lot of kids, unfortunately, are led to believe that their self worth comes from what they do and how they take care of others instead of just the amazing person that they are. 

[00:02:41] Shannon: And 

[00:02:41] as you get older, if you were appreciated for the person you are, you will feel worthy for the good things that come to you.

[00:02:48] But if you were only noticed for external things. You might look at things externally like how much you can produce or how much money you make or how well you [00:03:00] can meet the expectations of others in order to define your worth. 

[00:03:04] Shannon: And society often sets these invisible standards that you can't see but you sure can feel them that make you feel like you need to constantly prove yourself to be considered worthy when really you're the person who needs to consider yourself worthy.

[00:03:18] Shannon: That's it. 

[00:03:18] Exactly. And that's why we've talked often about now that we have all the technology and people are scrolling all the time and watching influencers who tell you exactly how you're supposed to look and what you're supposed to do and what you're supposed to wear. And a lot of people don't have that internal sense of self worth.

[00:03:37] So they look to outside influences to get that self worth and then they try to copy it. They're totally losing sight of who they are. If you need all those external factors to feel worthy, what would happen if they disappeared? Would you be empty and lost? 

[00:03:53] Shannon: Yes. I think that's where a lot of people are, is that they can't get the validation that they're looking for [00:04:00] externally, but they keep looking externally rather than looking internally and giving it to themselves.

[00:04:05] That's right. Because worthiness isn't something you earn, it's a birthright, an understanding that you are valuable simply because you exist. 

[00:04:13] Shannon: Your worth is not conditional on what you do, how much you achieve, what you can do for other people. It's inherent, it's unshakable, and it is independent of any external factor.

[00:04:25] That's right. And when you start to embrace this truth, everything changes. You stop looking for validation from others and start finding it within yourself. You begin to set. boundaries and prioritize your well being. Make yourself not more important, but as important as everybody else. You make decisions that align with your true self, not the version of yourself that you think others want to see.

[00:04:48] Shannon: And you don't allow yourself to get stuck in playing the victim or spending too much time mired in self pity. You acknowledge those negative feelings, forgive yourself, learn whatever the lessons [00:05:00] are, and then move forward. Consider it part of your evolution. 

[00:05:03] Absolutely. Do you know people who feel worthy?

[00:05:06] Shannon: I know people who feel worthy. I know people who don't feel worthy. 

[00:05:11] Can you tell just by being with them? Is there a difference in behavior? 

[00:05:15] Shannon: There's a difference in behavior. There's a difference in the way they approach the world. There's a difference in the way they handle setbacks and criticism. Yeah.

[00:05:23] Shannon: There's a lens that they see the world through that is very different. And one is like, I deserve to be here. My happiness is just as important as everybody else's happiness. Not at the expense of anybody else's, but just as important as. And the other is, I have to constantly prove that I belong here.

[00:05:43] Yeah, you have to earn everything that comes to you. Sometimes when good things come to people who don't feel worthy, they feel guilty. I know a woman who, she worked really hard to make something happen. And then when she was successful, She felt like she didn't deserve it. Really? You just made [00:06:00] that happen.

[00:06:00] How about some pride in yourself? How about celebrating yourself? And she's like, Oh no, but you know, there are other people who could really use this too. And maybe I don't need it. Oh, I'm so sad for her because she can't find the joy in what she's created. 

[00:06:14] Shannon: Right. That's what's so insidious about it is that the external validation, while nice, I mean, I feel like I have fairly healthy self esteem, but it is nice to be complimented or appreciated or recognized from the outside world, but you have to put it in proper perspective.

[00:06:32] Shannon: What's really interesting about coming at it from an I'm not worthy viewpoint is How much is enough? Because I know some pretty spectacular people who are lauded 95 percent of the time, but it's never enough. Where's the threshold? At what point do you get enough positive feedback and validation that then it kicks in?

[00:06:53] Shannon: There is no point. Like it has to come from inside or it doesn't feel complete. 

[00:06:59] Yeah. Cause when [00:07:00] you don't feel worthy, you're spending all your life looking for external validation. And then when you get it, it's like you said, never enough. Yeah. You let other people's needs and thoughts and opinions be your guiding force and just seek approval all the time.

[00:07:13] And you don't ask for help and assume nobody wants to hear your thoughts. So you just kind of stay to yourself, which is really sad because you miss opportunities to connect. You miss the joy of having really close relationships. You might miss opportunities at work because you're not outgoing enough and you're afraid to put yourself out there because you risk judgment and criticism.

[00:07:34] Shannon: And that just leads to emotional and physical distress, which then hampers your ability to function well. It's also a self fulfilling prophecy because I can think of a couple of circumstances in my life where I've met people who don't feel good about themselves and they're very needy in that they need positive feedback and they need you to prove to them all the time that you want them there.

[00:07:59] Shannon: And [00:08:00] it is exhausting. It is. One of the things that we talk about on this podcast is that you teach people how to treat you. And if your message to me 24 hours a day is that you're not worthy. I mean, I hate to say it, but if you're not worth putting energy into you, you're teaching the rest of the world that it's not worth putting energy into you.

[00:08:19] Shannon: Exactly. And I'm not saying that's right. I'm just saying that's the message you're sending. 

[00:08:23] Yeah. You're sending the opposite message of what you really want to send, which is that, hey, I'm lovable and likable and all that. But if you don't believe that, then you look for it from other people. And when they tell you it's never enough.

[00:08:35] When you don't feel worthy, you don't meet your own needs. You expect other people to do that, and then you feel guilty when they do. It's kind of a catch 22. You have poor self care. A lot of people who don't feel worthy turn to drugs or alcohol or some kind of other addiction so that they just numb their feelings for a while, and that's not real healthy either.

[00:08:55] Shannon: You can also take a look at relationships you're in and if they are [00:09:00] feeding you in a good way or if they are just reinforcing the messages that you already have about yourself, which are not healthy. If you're having trouble being your best self, you might want to look at what you've brought into your life.

[00:09:15] Yeah, or if your relationships are really not flowing well or very stressful, you have to look at what you're bringing to them because it takes two people to have a healthy relationship. You both have to be emotionally healthy to do that. 

[00:09:30] Shannon: Or you just might be one of those people who chooses to avoid relationships altogether because you think you're not worth having a positive relationship and it makes you feel more vulnerable, which then continues the cycle.

[00:09:42] Right. And often people who feel unworthy also are depressed. They obviously have low self esteem because if you have high self esteem you feel worthy. And then you neglect yourself. You might abuse others. Just create all kinds of difficult situations in your life. And you have trouble finding [00:10:00] the joy.

[00:10:00] People who are unworthy don't really look for the joy. And when it comes to they feel guilty about it. Which is just such a hard thing. 

[00:10:09] Shannon: I understand where you were going with your sentence, but you said people who are unworthy have trouble finding the joy. Oh, people who feel unworthy. Yes, 

[00:10:18] absolutely.

[00:10:19] Nobody is unworthy. Not at all. People who feel unworthy. Because we're all worthy, just because you're here. You are a lovable, valuable human being. Every baby ever born is a lovable, valuable human being. 

[00:10:32] Shannon: Which isn't to say you can't work on yourself. I mean, we're all human, which means we all have lights and darks.

[00:10:37] Shannon: You can always become a better person, but it's okay to be human, which means you are inherently flawed, which is part of the magic. 

[00:10:46] Yeah, but just because you're flawed doesn't mean you're not lovable and valuable. 

[00:10:50] Shannon: Right. 

[00:10:51] We're all unique. That's part of our specialness. And that makes you be the amazing human being that you are.

[00:10:58] You can't be a clone of [00:11:00] somebody else. Even identical twins are not really clones of each other. They are two individual human beings. They look alike. They have a lot of behaviors that are alike, but they're still separate people. 

[00:11:11] Shannon: Yeah. 

[00:11:11] And they each have to be able to identify the person that they are.

[00:11:16] And then be that person and love that person. 

[00:11:18] Shannon: When I was a teenager growing up in the eighties, when in order to be considered beautiful as a female, you had to be ridiculously thin, ridiculously tall, all kinds of hair, basically, kinda like that. Now an alien. I think there's a whole lot more acceptance of a variety of different body sizes and types now.

[00:11:40] Shannon: Yes. Than there was back then. And in the years preceding the standard changed over the years, but it was all kind of just a different version of tall fin. Right. Exactly. And now it's much different at Target the other day, even the mannequins are a variety of different body sizes and shapes, which is really nice.

[00:11:59] Shannon: Back then [00:12:00] I struggled with being a stubby roundish teenager, would beat myself up and you used to say to me, don't talk to my girl like that. If anybody else talked to you like that, I would beat them up. And I was like, Oh, that was really eyeopening because sometimes our internal dialogue is such that if we said it out loud to someone else, It could be considered harassment, 

[00:12:24] but 

[00:12:26] Shannon: it's just our natural internal dialogue and we don't think about it that way.

[00:12:29] Shannon: But if you're telling yourself over and over and over again, you're unworthy, you are abusing your self 

[00:12:36] and you're abusing your inner child. 

[00:12:38] Shannon: If you 

[00:12:39] don't want to take care of the self you are now, think of that little person you used to be who's still inside of you and stop abusing that kid. Please. 

[00:12:47] Shannon: This is really hard because this, as with so much of anything surrounding self esteem, has to do with changing your internal tapes.

[00:12:54] Shannon: Yes. So how do we start that process and start embracing worthiness? 

[00:12:59] [00:13:00] First, you got to have self compassion. You have to be gentle with yourself. We say that all the time. And treat yourself with the same kindness and understanding that you would offer a friend. And when you make a mistake, don't beat yourself up.

[00:13:12] Instead, remind yourself that your worth isn't tied to perfection because there's no such thing as perfection. You are learning. Every time you make a mistake, it's actually a positive because you have just learned something. You learned that this didn't work. And so maybe I need to do it another way. So mistakes are positives.

[00:13:29] Shannon: Dolly Parton has a great interview clip that's been making the rounds on social media from long, long, long, long time ago when she was really young. And she basically says like, I never feel like a failure. Every time I do something that doesn't work, I've learned something that then goes into making the next attempt better.

[00:13:46] Shannon: She's like, I don't worry about failure. 

[00:13:48] It's not a word we use. 

[00:13:50] Shannon: No, it's not. 

[00:13:51] No, because there is no such thing as failure. There's either success or growth. 

[00:13:56] Shannon: Yes. 

[00:13:56] And sometimes both together. Failure and word [00:14:00] perfection, both of those are not words that we use a lot. Except that our lives are perfect. We like that.

[00:14:07] Shannon: That's a joke. Please tell people that's a joke.

[00:14:13] Shannon: But it is true. Well, they're perfect. 

[00:14:15] They're perfect for us. We've created what we want for 

[00:14:18] Shannon: us, 

[00:14:18] and so I think that's perfect. 

[00:14:20] Shannon: Yes, and we make conscious decisions around who we surround ourselves with. We choose to spend time with people who uplift us and love us just for who we are. It's not like that comes easily.

[00:14:31] Shannon: You meet a lot of people in your life, and sometimes you think somebody's going to wind up being a great friend, and they just don't. Become that, or they're just not who you thought they were, or they're not particularly nice to you or other people, and you just have to choose, and that's where boundaries come in.

[00:14:46] Shannon: I'll refer you to a different episode. Look up boundaries. I don't hang out with people who aren't nice to me, who don't. support me who badmouth other people. 

[00:14:55] They not only have to affirm who you are and be nice and kind and fun [00:15:00] with you, but they also can't talk about other people behind their backs.

[00:15:03] That's not a healthy relationship for you to have. 

[00:15:07] Shannon: Choose the relationships that affirm your worth, worth that you have decided upon. You say, I am worth having good things, good people, good times, good in my life. Then you have to back that up with the right decisions. 

[00:15:22] Yeah. And all of this requires a lot of self awareness, awareness of where you came from, the messages that you were given as a child, the things that your inner child is still telling you in your head, and work with those.

[00:15:35] Because what you were taught when you were a child, you may have been raised by parents who were really needy and needed you to define them. And so you were forced to be a star athlete or a star student when you weren't, if you didn't get all A's. You gotta be, or you missed that touchdown or whatever, and they just berated you instead of congratulated you for getting out there and doing it.

[00:15:59] If they berated [00:16:00] you, you built that in, that I'm only valuable when I'm producing. 

[00:16:04] Shannon: Or doing what other people think I should be doing. 

[00:16:06] Exactly. It's a lot of self awareness, paying attention to where you came from, and sometimes you have to reparent yourself and start being gentle with your inner child, and then you're gentle with the adult that you've become.

[00:16:19] Because if you ask yourself when you're beating yourself up internally, whose voice is this? Where did this belief come from? You might realize that these thoughts aren't even yours. They came from people who were needy and insecure in their own right, and expected you to fix that for them. You can't fix that for them.

[00:16:39] Shannon: Right, they probably struggled with similar issues and didn't know how to take care of themselves in a healthy way. And so expected other people to do it for them. And for a lot of people that works, but it damages the people that they place those expectations on. If you were one of those people as a kid, it's up to you to start giving yourself the messages that you didn't get [00:17:00] when you were younger.

[00:17:00] Exactly. I was talking with a professional person the other day, and he was telling me that when he was young, he was the oldest of six kids, and his parents were just not available at all. But he ended up at the age of eight having to pretty much raise his siblings and he said he got into a lot of trouble and when he was an older teenager, he had a choice to make.

[00:17:23] He could either do something really, really stupid and probably end up going to jail or killing somebody or whatever it was, or he could say no and turn his life around. And at that point, he stopped trying to take care of the world and be something different. that he thought everybody wanted him to be and decided who he wanted to be.

[00:17:41] And now he's in a profession and he's doing great and he's got a family. It was a very inspirational story and it showed how he learned how to embrace his worthiness once he became old enough to realize what was going on. Everybody can do that. 

[00:17:56] Shannon: Those kinds of crossroads are poignant. It [00:18:00] really comes down to being able to see where your responsibility ends and where other people's responsibility begins.

[00:18:08] Shannon: Yes. If another person is relying on you to make them happy, Okay, they've abdicated a ton of their power. First of all, they are manipulating you. And if they've made your worth contingent upon your making them happy. Okay, let's talk about responsibility here. They are responsible for making themselves happy.

[00:18:26] Shannon: You are responsible for taking care of you. Yes. If you can get two people together who are responsible for themselves, and can accept that they're responsible happiness is their own responsibility, then you probably have a pretty healthy relationship. But if that's not what you were conditioned with, you gotta learn it.

[00:18:45] Yes, exactly. Or you become codependent, or you become manipulated, or you become abused. Terrible things can happen. It's really important to be able to embrace your worthiness. 

[00:18:57] Shannon: Here's a little tip. It just worked for me. I [00:19:00] don't know if it will work for anybody else. But about 22 years ago, I was in a not a great relationship.

[00:19:07] Shannon: He wound up doing some things that broke the relationship code. 

[00:19:10] I 

[00:19:12] Shannon: was really struggling with it because I cared about this person. and could see where his trauma came from and why he did the things he did, but at the same time, it was really not healthy for me to be around. 

[00:19:25] Good. 

[00:19:26] Shannon: But those two things together were hard because I want to care about the people that I care about.

[00:19:32] Shannon: So I had to remind myself That was his choice and I didn't need to save him from things he was doing that hurt me. So I pulled out a photo of when I was in kindergarten and I put it on my dresser and I looked at that every day and I came up with my values, one of which is family and I wrote that down and put it next to it and every day when I got up feeling conflicted, I would look at that picture and I would say, who would hurt this tiny child?[00:20:00] 

[00:20:00] Shannon: It reminded me, no, we don't do this to people we love. I'm sorry you made a mistake. You're making poor choices, but I don't need to stick around for them. 

[00:20:06] Good for you. That is beautiful, Shan. And so wise. What you did was you got in touch with your inner child and this guy was abusing your inner child.

[00:20:16] And that is not okay. Like I told you, I'd beat him up if I knew. Because you don't hurt a child, you just don't. You have to protect your inner child because that little person is worthy, which means you are worthy. 

[00:20:30] Shannon: And we did a whole episode on the inner child. So if you want to get to know yours a little better, check that out.

[00:20:36] Absolutely. He or she is always with you, all the time. 

[00:20:39] Shannon: We are all just little kids. If you think about it, you may be on this planet for 104 years. But really, it's just a matter of days. All that happened is your body grew up and hopefully you gained some more skills, but And 

[00:20:52] had some fun, you know? 

[00:20:54] Shannon: Had some fun and became more responsible.

[00:20:56] Shannon: But I mean, we're still those people. 

[00:20:58] Yes. That little [00:21:00] person you were is with you always. And if you live your life Taking care of that little person just like you would your children, you will do fine. 

[00:21:08] Shannon: I'd like to add that sometimes learning about your inner child and starting to address the things that you didn't get when you were little, it's not all hunky dory and it isn't always as easy as just change your tapes.

[00:21:22] Shannon: There are things that come up with that. There's a lot of grief that comes up with realizing what you didn't get when you were little. There's a lot of anger that can come up. So if you start experiencing some of those emotions and you're not sure how to deal with them, please get help with that. It's important to explore them, but you don't want to get lost in them.

[00:21:40] That is very true. Be aware. Sometimes it helps to have a trusted friend or a coach or a counselor or somebody to talk to when you are dealing with these things. Great advice, Shan. 

[00:21:51] Shannon: Thank you. 

[00:21:51] So the bottom line is that when you feel worthy, you have an internal sense of being valuable, lovable, and know you're a good person who deserves [00:22:00] respect from yourself and others.

[00:22:01] People who feel worthy embrace who they are, they validate themselves internally, and believe they deserve whatever success and good things come to them. When you don't feel worthy, you disrespect yourself and allow others to do the same, and you need constant validation to make you feel valuable. Your sense of worthiness begins in your childhood, and once you're an adult, you always have the power to identify how you feel about yourself, and if it's not positive, challenge yourself's sense of worthiness and change it.

[00:22:32] Shannon: Thanks, Mama. 

[00:22:33] And thank you, Shannon, and thanks to all our listeners. I hope you all love and appreciate yourselves. And when good things come to you, rejoice and be happy and grateful. Appreciate life. Find the good in yourself and in everything. 

[00:22:47] Shannon: And then tell us about it. Cause we love that when you tell us your stories.

[00:22:53] Shannon: So please reach out to us. You can go to our website. which is yourpersonalpowerpod. [00:23:00] com. Click contact and drop us an email to talk to us directly. You can also tell us about episodes you'd like us to address in future podcasts. And if you want, we'd love it when you review our podcast. That's really helpful.

[00:23:10] Shannon: Thanks so much. You can do that wherever you stream. Also, you can visit us on YouTube and subscribe there. And if you want to learn about coaching, or if you're just looking for some support for a month or two of your life, contact Sandy at Sandy at insidejobscoach. com. She will help you get to wherever you want to go, even if you don't know how to get there.

[00:23:29] Shannon: We look forward to hearing from you. And until next time, find your power and change your life.