The Ebb and Flow of Relationships

Have you ever noticed that you can be going along in a relationship, thinking things are just fine, and suddenly things change, the bottom drops out and everything falls apart?

This happens in all kinds of relationships: business, romantic, friendships and family.  For some reason (the moon is weird, the wind blew the wrong way, or whatever) what was good for a long time suddenly isn’t so good anymore. In today’s episode of Your Personal Power Pod, we talk about the ebb and flow of relationships, and how to deal with it.

We want to hear from you, whether it’s your stories about how self-esteem and personal power affect your life, or topics you’d like us to address in future episodes. We’d love for you to review our podcast. Do this on your streaming service or visit www.yourpersonalpowerpod.com , click Contact and drop us an email. You can also find us on Instagram at Your Personal Power Pod.

Also, if you’d like to make changes in your personal or business life, spending time with a coach can make all the difference.  Sandy is offering a free consultation, so contact her at sandy@insidejobscoach.com and put COACHING in the subject line to schedule a free call.

Thank you for listening to Your Personal Power Pod.  We look forward to hearing from you.

And, until next time, find your power and change your life!

Transcript

E80 The Ebb and Flow of Relationships
[00:00:00] Shannon: Welcome to your personal power pod, a podcast about aligning yourself with the life you want. And here are your hosts, Sandy Abel and Shannon Young.
[00:00:20] Sandy: Shannon, good morning. Good morning, Sandy. How are you? I am good. We had some excitement last night. We had a tree ranch fall on our trailer, but I think that it's going to be okay. The second time that's happened! I know, it's so bizarre. But both times, it just crinkled the trailer, a travel trailer, a little bit.
[00:00:41] Sandy: It did not destroy it. It cleaned out the branch, I guess it needed to go, and worked out fine. So we had excitement last night. So I didn't sleep real well, but I'm here today. So let's do this thing. 
[00:00:56] Shannon: I'm so sorry that that happened yet again, after you just got the trailer [00:01:00] fixed from the first time. 
[00:01:01] Sandy: It's so weird.
[00:01:02] Sandy: It 
[00:01:03] Shannon: kind of fits right along with what we're talking about today. You're going along just fine. And then a tree branch 
[00:01:08] Sandy: falls. Yeah, right, something changes, something happens. As my 
[00:01:12] Shannon: friend likes to say, life gets lifey. Oh, that's 
[00:01:17] Sandy: beautiful 
[00:01:18] Shannon: and so true. So today we're talking about how change affects relationships.
[00:01:25] Shannon: And maybe not even a change in the relationship, just a 
[00:01:27] Sandy: change in general. Yeah, things outside might change and that can affect a relationship. I know you have been noticing and I've been noticing with our friends and with ourselves that things in personal relationships, both friendships and work relationships and romance relationships, all of them are shifting.
[00:01:47] Sandy: And they really always do. Yes. I remember long ago, I was married to a man that I was very in love with, but over time I grew and changed and he didn't. I think I've talked about this before and [00:02:00] eventually our whole relationship changed and we ended up getting divorced because he didn't like the way I'd changed, that I'd become stronger and more empowered.
[00:02:09] Sandy: Nobody did anything wrong, it's just the relationship shifted, it changed, and that happens in all kinds of relationships. And with 
[00:02:18] Shannon: you, the change started from within you, but I've seen it in my own marriage as well as friendships even. Somebody loses a job or gets a diagnosis or any one of those things that kind of get imposed on you from outside of yourself, and it can shift the whole relationship.
[00:02:36] Shannon: Sometimes it can send it into turmoil. Sometimes it makes it better. There's always kind of a constant dance between keeping the relationship steady while it's being pummeled by things outside of it or from 
[00:02:49] Sandy: inside. Exactly. And there are all kinds of relationships. You're related by blood, your family, or marriage, or mutual dealings, you work together, or you just [00:03:00] actually have friends that you enjoy spending time with and have a good time with.
[00:03:04] Sandy: It can be based on mutual respect and appreciation and cooperation and working towards common interests and goals, or just on enjoying who you each are and how you fit together. That's always fun. Research has found that having good friends and relationships can bring more happiness into your life. As we've talked about, when you're happy and have positive relationships, it has a huge impact on your mental and physical health.
[00:03:31] Sandy: When you have good friends, it relieves stress and provides comfort and joy and prevents loneliness and isolation, which helps your physical health. Good healthy relationships are really important. All kinds. It's actually been found 
[00:03:46] Shannon: recently to be one of the best predictors of longevity, how strong your social connections are, how tight you are with people and how much you can rely on them and enjoy them and find solace there.
[00:03:59] Shannon: All of [00:04:00] that plays into whether you want to stick around. 
[00:04:02] Sandy: Yeah. So it's important to cultivate positive relationships. If they consistently don't work, figure out maybe you're doing something that isn't helping them thrive, but also look at the kinds of people you're choosing and it may be they just don't fit with you and you need to be choosing different kinds of people.
[00:04:21] Sandy: So when things are going well and your relationship is flowing, the goal is to have positive interactions with each other and both people involved in a relationship have to make that happen. We often do this for a long period of time. And find enjoyment and fulfillment in each other's company. But sometimes, as I mentioned with my previous relationship, things change over time because life is about change.
[00:04:46] Sandy: We have talked about that often, because change is involved in everything. When things change in a relationship. It could get rocky and uncomfortable. And that is when your relationship might ebb. We're talking about the [00:05:00] ebb and flow of relationships. And when things are good, and when you're getting along well, and everything is flowing, it's beautiful.
[00:05:08] Sandy: But then something will happen, like you said, a diagnosis, or a huge financial crisis, or somebody gets fired. For various reasons, your relationship gets really rocky and no longer flows. It starts to ebb, which means it pulls back. 
[00:05:23] Shannon: And that's natural. All relationships ebb and flow. You may have noticed that when you go through a period of being extraordinarily close to somebody, after a while, You may tend to fight, and it's kind of a natural return to stasis, if 
[00:05:40] Sandy: you will.
[00:05:41] Sandy: Yeah, it's a rebalancing, because if you're really, really, really close, that can be exhausting, actually, and probably isn't healthy. You might start, like you said, fighting or having rocky times to get back to where you're close and you love each other or you really respect each other a lot. [00:06:00] You're not in each other's pocket all the time because that can be suffocating and smothering.
[00:06:05] Sandy: Yes. So you need to do the balance. So 
[00:06:07] Shannon: what kinds of things impose change on 
[00:06:11] Sandy: relationships? All kinds of things. Romantic and personal relationships change as people grow and develop, like I said before. Outside circumstances can also affect you. Work relationships can change when one person gets a promotion or is demoted.
[00:06:27] Sandy: And the work dynamic shifts. I remember many years ago, I had a really good friend at work. We took trips together and we really enjoyed each other. We had fun at work together. Then she got married. I left the company, and our friendship just sort of faded away, and I was really sad about that because we connected well, we had fun together, I really liked her, but apparently her focus was no longer on her friendships, it was on her new husband.
[00:06:57] Sandy: We didn't have the work bond. It just [00:07:00] shifted. And that's really normal. Nobody did anything wrong, but it's still difficult to come to terms with when you have somebody in your life that you've trusted and shared with and think they are going to be there forever. And then things happen and they're not.
[00:07:15] Sandy: I 
[00:07:15] Shannon: remember in one of my career incarnations. As my mentor put it, I got released back into the work pool, meaning I got fired. And people I had thought were my friends did not reach out to me. And to this day, I have not heard from some of those people. And this was years and years and years ago. And it was devastating because I had thought that we were friends in more ways than just having a friendly work relationship.
[00:07:46] Shannon: The shift was big enough that either they thought it was insurmountable or I had misread our friendship. And it was just that one bombshell that kind of disintegrated the 
[00:07:57] Sandy: bonds. Yeah, I'm sorry about [00:08:00] that. That sounds very heartbreaking. But you learned about the other people's character. They weren't who you thought they were.
[00:08:07] Sandy: At the time, that's a hard lesson, but it's good to know because you can't count on them. It is good to 
[00:08:11] Shannon: know, but I also learned about me. What actually does it mean to have a friend? And it helped me redefine what I'm actually looking 
[00:08:19] Sandy: for in the people in my life. Absolutely. That's a helpful thing, and it's good of you to find the positive and the lesson instead of staying with the betrayal and unhappiness.
[00:08:31] Sandy: Friendships and personal relationships change when life changes, when one person's life takes a new direction. It's important for people to re evaluate and see what is this friendship based on. One thing that really makes me sad is a lot of friendships change because people have different political views or religious views or can't agree on issues.
[00:08:57] Sandy: And that's such a shame because [00:09:00] those are your beliefs, but you don't have to have everybody in your circle be on the same page to have a positive relationship with them. And some people think they do. If you don't follow the same political party or fight for the same cause, then they ignore everything else about the amazing person you are, and your relationship will change.
[00:09:22] Sandy: There are a lot of reasons why relationships change. Yes, and I 
[00:09:25] Shannon: think in that case, as well as so many of the others, the key is being able to communicate. Because I think especially in those Relationships that change because of politics or religion, it's because we are unable to actually talk about what we believe and why we believe it.
[00:09:43] Shannon: And it's so easy to just say, Oh, well, this party is all about these values, which I don't believe in, which means that this person must be all about those values. So I can't hang out with them. In reality, if you talk to them, they probably have a pretty good reason for thinking the way they do. And maybe you can get some [00:10:00] insight that will help you say, Oh, they're actually a whole lot more like me than I thought they were.
[00:10:03] Shannon: And I don't have to lump them in with this group of people that I disagree 
[00:10:07] Sandy: with. Right. Plus, what political party you belong to or believe in does not define who you are. It's a part of who you are, but there are so many other parts. If you want to save a relationship, you gotta tune into the whole person, not just that one issue or one challenge.
[00:10:27] Sandy: That's the communication. Two people have a relationship and something happens to shift it, they both have to want to salvage it. And if they do, all they have to do is sit down and be honest and talk about it, address their feelings around what's happening and what is getting in the way. Talk and actually listen to each other instead of judge.
[00:10:49] Sandy: Dump the judgment. That's key. 
[00:10:51] Shannon: We did a podcast on that if you'd like to learn how to listen or brush up 
[00:10:57] Sandy: on your skills. Active listening [00:11:00] is so important and very rare, unfortunately. Yeah. If you want to be really connected to people, learn to actively listen. And when you're trying to salvage your relationship, ask questions non judgmentally and actively listen.
[00:11:15] Sandy: And hopefully the other person will do the same thing with you. And if they do, you can save your relationship. 
[00:11:20] Shannon: You need to feel safe enough to share your feelings and be willing to learn and compromise and engage in some conflict resolution and make sure you're listening to and attempting to understand where the other person is coming from and approach it 
[00:11:38] Sandy: without judgment.
[00:11:39] Sandy: Right. Not just trying to persuade them to your point of view. Exactly. And be honest, 
[00:11:45] Shannon: sometimes that's the hardest part, because I think in the experiences that I've had, to be really honest, most of my reactions were about fear of losing the relationship, and that's a really hard thing to say, especially if [00:12:00] somebody's life has changed for the better, and you're afraid of 
[00:12:02] Sandy: being left behind.
[00:12:04] Sandy: Yeah. And it may be that you share your true feelings and they move on anyway. And then you know that the thing is running its course. You appreciate what you had and let it go. But that's hard to do. 
[00:12:17] Shannon: In great relationships. Or even, let's say, moderately healthy relationships, this becomes just more of a dance that you're doing all the 
[00:12:29] Sandy: time.
[00:12:29] Sandy: Yes, because things are always changing. You can have a great relationship with your partner or spouse, but if they have had a terrible day and they come home and are just angry, you can decide to get offended if they are rude to you, or you can understand where they're coming from and be supportive.
[00:12:46] Sandy: It's. Constantly choosing how you want to behave and how you want to support each other. And the vital thing is that both people in the relationship have to be able to do that. 
[00:12:59] Shannon: And talk about it. [00:13:00] How do we want to 
[00:13:00] Sandy: approach this? Yeah, it's important to understand that adjusting to change happens in stages.
[00:13:06] Sandy: It's a process. It's not like you just say, Oh, well, this has changed. So we're going to do this now. And then everything's fine. It's about figuring out how you both want to proceed and what you want the end result to look like. It's stages in the process. So you have to talk about how you both Just want to navigate the situation and be flexible and realistic.
[00:13:27] Sandy: See the bigger picture so you can understand what's happening and see what's down the road and how you want your relationship to once again flow. 
[00:13:36] Shannon: Ask questions. 
[00:13:38] Sandy: Yes. Absolutely. 
[00:13:42] Shannon: My husband and I had a conversation a few weeks ago. We wound up with a couple of days off together in a row, which is pretty rare.
[00:13:49] Shannon: We usually only have one day off together a week. And I was saying that I was planning on running errands on one of those days before I found out he had it off too. And maybe we could do something [00:14:00] together. And he just looked pained. And so I started asking questions and saying, okay, what is it that you need?
[00:14:11] Shannon: And he doesn't respond to questions like that in the way that I would respond to a question like that. But he did say something that caught my ear, which was. I just don't get a lot of quiet in my life, and I need some quiet. And what he was saying was, please, for the love of God, go run your errands.
[00:14:34] Shannon: Leave me alone in the house so I can just be here and listen to nothing for a while. But I wouldn't have known that if I hadn't asked questions because he wouldn't have 
[00:14:42] Sandy: said it. Exactly. So, asking questions and actually listening, and then being understanding of the response. 
[00:14:50] Shannon: Yes, you have to be okay hearing the answer.
[00:14:53] Shannon: You can't ask a question 
[00:14:55] Sandy: and then get mad at the answer. Absolutely. If you have preconceived [00:15:00] idea of the answer you want, and you're not going to accept anything else, then don't even ask the question, because it'll just cause more problems. Yeah. So, relationships are tricky. They are. And they do ebb and flow.
[00:15:11] Sandy: And sometimes 
[00:15:12] Shannon: they run their course. Yes. We talked about this in another episode, about front row people and back row people and basically a reason, a season, or a lifetime. And sometimes it just isn't meant to last forever and then you appreciate what you had and other times it can surprise you and last for decades and decades and decades.
[00:15:34] Shannon: Yes. If it's important to you, it's worth working on adapting through 
[00:15:38] Sandy: change. Absolutely. And understanding that sometimes you can put it back together and make it even better, and sometimes you just have to let it go. Yep. And the good thing is, throughout the process, you might learn that you're stronger and more resilient than you knew.
[00:15:56] Sandy: Remember that you always have a choice about how you want to move ahead. [00:16:00] You can stay stuck in the past and what was, or do what you can to stand tall, take a deep breath, learn the lessons, communicate, and move ahead. And that is claiming your personal power. Absolutely. So with all of our listeners, I hope that your relationships are filled with mutual respect and joy.
[00:16:19] Sandy: And if they start to ebb, that you will take charge and initiate conversations to see how you both can move ahead dealing with whatever change has happened. 
[00:16:32] Shannon: Awesome, Sandy. Would you like 
[00:16:33] Sandy: to wrap us up? Absolutely. Throughout life, we all experience a wide variety of relationships. We have different kinds of bonds with family members, friends, work colleagues, and people we connect with in a variety of ways.
[00:16:47] Sandy: Often a relationship can flow smoothly for a long time, bringing joy, happiness, and positive mental and physical health. But at some point, things might change and the status quo is upset. And when [00:17:00] this happens, it can become uncomfortable and start to impact the relationship. It's important to understand that change doesn't mean the end of the relationship.
[00:17:08] Sandy: It just means it's time to readjust. You can do this by communicating with each other. Make sure you listen non judgmentally and also share your thoughts and feelings. If you both want to save what you have, you can agree to work together to redefine your relationship and create a roadmap on how to move ahead together.
[00:17:29] Sandy: Thank you, Sandy. Thank you, Shannon. And thank you to our listeners. We appreciate you taking this personal power journey with us, and we hope that all of your relationships will flow smoothly. 
[00:17:41] Shannon: We hope you tell us about it. Because we love hearing your stories about how self esteem and personal power have affected your life.
[00:17:48] Shannon: And we also love it when you suggest topics that you'd like us to address in future episodes. And we love it when you review our podcast to those of you who have done so. Thank you so much. If you'd [00:18:00] like to, you can do so wherever you stream, or you can just visit us at yourpersonalpowerpod. com. Click contact and drop us an email directly.
[00:18:07] Shannon: And you can also get in touch with us on Instagram, where you can find us at your personal power pod. And if you want to learn about coaching and how it can change your life, reach out to Sandy at sandy at insidejobscoach. com. Thank you so much for listening. We look forward to hearing from you as always, and until next time, find your power and change your life.