E114 How do you love
[00:00:00] Shannon: Welcome to Your Personal Power Pod, a podcast about aligning yourself with the life you want. And here are your hosts, Sandy Abel and Shannon Young.
[00:00:20] Sandy: Shannon, I'm excited about today's topic. It's a really interesting one. How about you?
[00:00:25] Shannon: Hi, Sandy. Yes, today we're talking about love and how you Love.
[00:00:31] Sandy: Exactly. How you show love and how you receive love and what you look for. When you love someone, it means you feel an intense and deep affection for them.
[00:00:41] Sandy: And we all express and receive love in different ways. When you know how the important people in your life express and receive love and you let them know how you do it, you'll all feel appreciated and valued and have great relationships. But sometimes when you don't know these things [00:01:00] There can be a lot of misunderstanding and lack of communication and confusion and all kinds of stuff.
[00:01:05] Sandy: So it's a really important thing that we talk about today.
[00:01:08] Shannon: Yes, because I don't think this is something that a lot of us think about. How do I feel loved? How do you feel loved? And if you can't identify those things, you may be feeling unhappy or unfulfilled or totally missing how somebody is loving you.
[00:01:25] Shannon: Being able to identify them means you can then ask for them.
[00:01:29] Sandy: Exactly, exactly. It's about communication. I was thinking about this because I was talking to a woman who had been married for a long time and had several kids and she was saying, you know, I think my husband loves me, but he never says it. I just really wish he would tell me he loved me.
[00:01:47] Sandy: And I said, well, what does he do? And she said, Oh, well, he does all kinds of great stuff. He watches the kids when I want to go out and he washes my car and he goes to work, even though he doesn't really love his [00:02:00] job so I can stay home and raise the kids. But I really wish that he'd just tell me he loves me.
[00:02:04] Sandy: I think that means love what he's doing, but I don't know. I thought, wow, you know, obviously this man loves his wife, but the way he shows his love and the way she receives it is totally different. And I felt really sad for them. So I thought it's important that we share this topic so that everybody can look at how do you feel loved?
[00:02:25] Shannon: Yes, and I think some of the things you're saying are going to remind quite a few people about the book that has to do with the five love languages. And I think it's important to clarify that yes, those are different love languages, but they're not necessarily the only ones. And I don't I don't think it's necessarily true that we all have just one.
[00:02:45] Shannon: I think we all probably have a variety of different love languages.
[00:02:49] Sandy: I wasn't even thinking about that book. I was just thinking about this woman. And then I was thinking about my relationship with my husband. We both have lots of love languages. We [00:03:00] share all the time. We tell each other, we do things for each other, all kinds of things.
[00:03:06] Sandy: Let's look at the different ways that people can show love.
[00:03:09] Shannon: Sure, and some of the most common include just what you said. Sharing words of affection, affirmation, appreciation, expressing your thoughts and feelings in spoken or written words, being appreciative, saying I love you, leaving little fun handwritten notes for no particular reason, sending text messages throughout the day.
[00:03:30] Sandy: Yeah, all of that is one way that people show love and other people want to receive it. That's like the woman I was talking with. She wanted verbal confirmation that her husband loved her and she wasn't receiving the message that he was sending because she was looking for it in a specific way. Another way is just spending quality time together.
[00:03:51] Sandy: When you take time out of your busy life to stop and give your full presence and undivided attention to somebody, that can be very loving. And that [00:04:00] does mean you put away your cell phone. You don't just put it down. You don't just move it over. You put it away. and you turn off the TV or computer, you make eye contact, and you actively listen and be present.
[00:04:13] Sandy: That is a great way to show love.
[00:04:15] Shannon: I think it can also include activities where you're not focusing on each other. I mean, my husband and I have a horribly unhealthy but remarkably sweet habit of just cuddling when we watch TV together after dinner each night. I have told him repeatedly that those are my most favorite moments of the day, or when we're just there in that space together, holding hands or having his arm around me.
[00:04:40] Shannon: When we're just in the moment together, even though we're not focusing on each other, we're there together.
[00:04:45] Sandy: Exactly. And that's beautiful. And the physical touch thing is really powerful. And obviously you're experiencing that. And that is another way of showing love is just being present with each other.
[00:04:58] Sandy: Even though you're both focused [00:05:00] on the movie or whatever you're watching, you're doing it together.
[00:05:03] Shannon: One of the things I really love that I find super sweet. is when we're walking somewhere through, I don't know, the fair or the mall or going to a movie or something, just out in the world together, like Home Depot or somewhere.
[00:05:17] Shannon: Yeah, right. And he'll just subconsciously reach for my hand. Yes. And I love to see that happen, so I walk a step behind him. So he pulls you up. Part of it is he's remarkably tall and I'm not, so he just walks faster than I do.
[00:05:33] Sandy: Yeah, right.
[00:05:34] Shannon: I love to see that hand just kind of float out towards mine.
[00:05:37] Sandy: Isn't that beautiful?
[00:05:38] Sandy: And he's just reassuring himself that he's there and you're there and that you're together. Holding hands is a beautiful thing.
[00:05:46] Shannon: And it tells the world we're together. And that's big for me.
[00:05:49] Sandy: Yes. Although for some people, physical touch is not a way they show love.
[00:05:53] Shannon: Yeah. They're not comfortable with it.
[00:05:55] Sandy: Exactly. But if you are, it's a beautiful thing.
[00:05:58] Shannon: Understanding that [00:06:00] and respecting it, though, is also a way to show love. You need to be really clear about your physical needs in a relationship, and if you are somebody who is wanting to hang all over your person all the time, no matter where you are, then being with somebody who can't handle that could maybe not work for you.
[00:06:16] Shannon: If somebody's willing to work with your needs, being able to work with theirs in return is a huge way of showing them you love them.
[00:06:23] Sandy: Yeah. If you're in any kind of relationship, not just a romantic relationship, but even with your children or with your parents or with dear friends, you love them in a different way than you love your partner, but you love them and they love you.
[00:06:37] Sandy: It's important to be aware of how they receive love and how they give it and also how you do with them. Another great thing that you and I do a lot is just be thoughtful and doing or giving things for each other. Acts of service, kindness, that's what the husband of the woman I was talking to did.
[00:06:58] Sandy: That's how he showed love was he [00:07:00] was always running errands for her or doing other kinds of things. He didn't really love doing those things, but he did them because he knew it would free up her time or it was something she didn't particularly want to do. He would take care of that for her.
[00:07:14] Shannon: One of our struggles in our relationship is that my husband loves to do things for me.
[00:07:20] Shannon: I don't know if he loves doing them, but he very much doesn't want me to have to do them. do stuff. That's his need, is to do for me, which is beautiful. But I have a deep seated need to be seen as capable.
[00:07:33] Sandy: Yes, I have that too.
[00:07:35] Shannon: And so, I mean, until we figured out what was going on, that was a really big problem because I was like, will you please stop taking over?
[00:07:44] Shannon: I can do this. And he would get hurt because he's like, I'm trying to show you I love you and you're being a jerk about it. I need to do this. Like I just need to be capable of taking care of myself, but we figured that out and it's, it's better now. [00:08:00] But for a while it was really a struggle
[00:08:02] Sandy: because, well, he thought he was showing you.
[00:08:04] Sandy: He loves you. He may have come from a place where that was how love was shown, but you need to be seen as capable and you took it as a, an affront. You receive love in a different way. The important thing is you guys talked about it.
[00:08:17] Shannon: Well, we yelled about it for a while,
[00:08:20] Sandy: but you worked it out, you know, you didn't listen to each other.
[00:08:24] Sandy: And now I'll bet if he does something for you, you appreciate it. Yes. How do you show him love?
[00:08:30] Shannon: I make his coffee every day.
[00:08:34] Sandy: Well, there you go.
[00:08:35] Shannon: I mean, it's a big deal. I don't like doing it. I don't know why. He uses a French press and the coffee is really good, but something about the prep drives me nuts.
[00:08:44] Shannon: But I do it for him every day so he doesn't have to come home and do it before he goes to bed. I know, it seems like a small thing. I mean, I do things for him and I try to make it so he has less to do. He's a very, very, very busy man. I try to take care of the things that I can [00:09:00] take care of so he doesn't have to handle them when he gets home.
[00:09:02] Sandy: That is love. And that's beautiful. I love it.
[00:09:04] Shannon: How about you?
[00:09:05] Sandy: Oh, I do all kinds of stuff. My husband likes to have a glass of wine with dinner, but he doesn't like to wash the glass.
[00:09:11] Shannon: I can't blame him.
[00:09:12] Sandy: I always wash the wine glass. I don't even drink wine, but I wash his glass. I tell him all the time that I love him.
[00:09:19] Sandy: I do all kinds of things so that he doesn't have to. So we do both verbal and giving things and handholding. I mean, we, we do it all. It's really fun. We both receive and give love in similar ways, which is good. We didn't have to work that out too much. But like you and your husband, if you're with somebody who shows love in a different way, then you receive it.
[00:09:40] Sandy: Or if they receive it differently, then you give it. That kind of conversation, hopefully not a loud one, but those kinds of conversations are important so that you can clarify, hey, when I do this for you, it's my way of telling you that you're really important to me.
[00:09:55] Shannon: And it might not ever feel like it. to you like you think it's supposed to [00:10:00] feel.
[00:10:00] Shannon: Like, I know when he fixes something busted around the house, he's saying he loves me and cares about me and wants me to be in a place that's solid and stable. Right. I don't feel it the same way I feel it when he tells me he loves me, but I've come to recognize it. So I still get the message. There's a quote that comes to mind, which is something to the effect of just because someone doesn't love you the way you want to be doesn't mean they don't love you with everything they have.
[00:10:26] Sandy: Beautiful.
[00:10:26] Shannon: And I'm not saying that if somebody loves you dearly that you should necessarily be with that person just because they love you that much and you don't feel it. I'm just saying if the person or people that you've chosen to surround yourself with are showing you they love you and you don't recognize it as such, coming to understand that language will enhance your relationship.
[00:10:46] Sandy: Oh hugely. And if you don't acknowledge that kind of thing, like the woman I was talking to, she wondered if her husband really cared if they had a good marriage or not, even though he was knocking himself out doing what he knew how to do. I've [00:11:00] noticed, especially long ago, men were not encouraged to be really verbal about their feelings.
[00:11:06] Sandy: So a lot of previous generations of men never learned to say, I love you. They learned to do. It's just important for the people in their lives to receive it the way it's given if you can.
[00:11:20] Shannon: Yeah. We need to include gifts in here. Thoughtful things. That's key because we've all heard the stories about the wife who got an iron for Christmas.
[00:11:29] Shannon: Unless she wanted that iron, that's not a thoughtful gift.
[00:11:34] Sandy: No, they weren't thinking about her. Like you! My goodness, I have these shoes that I really, really like, and they don't make them anymore. I was really disappointed to find that out, and I just mentioned to you, Wow, you know, I wish I could get more, because mine are kind of wearing out.
[00:11:47] Sandy: I've worn them to pieces, and a few weeks later you came and said, I found your shoes! And you had put in the effort to go online and go to, like, the, you know, slightly used clothing store, or [00:12:00] I don't know where the heck you got them. eBay! Woo! Woo! But, I mean, what a lovely gift of love that is, that you listened, you realized that this was important to me, and you did what you could to make it happen.
[00:12:14] Sandy: And that's so beautiful. And you do that all the time.
[00:12:16] Shannon: Well, I learned from the best. I mean, you and my grandmother were all about the 10 cent surprises.
[00:12:21] Sandy: Yes, that's what we call them. And it's really not about 10 cents. What it means is it's a little thing that the recipient doesn't have to feel bad about.
[00:12:29] Sandy: that it cost a million dollars because it's just a 10 cent surprise, but it's a little way that we in our family show love.
[00:12:35] Shannon: Yes, and of course creating and having fun experiences together. This is one I don't think it's talked about enough. I really want to be somebody who plans fun things with my partner.
[00:12:48] Shannon: And I want them to want to do that with me as well. It means making memories together.
[00:12:54] Sandy: Exactly. And having fun times in the process.
[00:12:56] Shannon: Yes.
[00:12:57] Sandy: And sharing so that you're both on [00:13:00] the same page about whatever it is you're doing. There are many more ways. to show people that you love them. The important thing is for you to be able to identify how you want to be loved.
[00:13:10] Sandy: How do we do that? Well, you start by looking at yourself and just pay attention to what actions from others make you feel special. Do you like it when they tell you that they love you or Praise something you did that's the verbal. Or do you feel loved when they surprise you with a thoughtful gift or plan a special trip for you?
[00:13:29] Shannon: Yeah. How do you feel when they run errands for you or do chores for you so you don't have to do them? Which essentially means they're anticipating your needs and how to take care of them. How, what does that do for you?
[00:13:39] Sandy: Yeah. Or what I really like is when they just sit down, make eye contact, put the freaking phone away.
[00:13:46] Sandy: and listen to what you're saying and feeling. If you can have a really honest conversation, that shows me that somebody really loves me, if they will just listen.
[00:13:57] Shannon: Yeah, and when they confide in you, trust you with [00:14:00] their secret thoughts, or the things that are going on in their world that are bothering them, or just the things they're worried about or stressed about, that's really special, and respect that.
[00:14:08] Shannon: Oh,
[00:14:08] Sandy: yes. Or when they just see you and ask you what you want or need and then do it. That's pretty cool. If you look at yourself and try to answer those questions, what makes me feel good and loved and appreciated? That will help you identify how you want to be loved.
[00:14:27] Shannon: Yeah, and this is not to say that there are not going to be misunderstandings.
[00:14:31] Shannon: There are, because we're all different. And even though you may share certain ways of showing and accepting love, you're probably not going to share all of them. So if you can learn how you both express and receive love, you'll be happier in the relationship. So there are lots of benefits to understanding this.
[00:14:50] Sandy: Oh my goodness, absolutely.
[00:14:52] Shannon: There's so much to be said for focusing on another person and what they need and showing them that you care. It promotes [00:15:00] selflessness, helps you step outside yourself and be more empathetic. And I would argue that this is one of the reasons we're here on this planet, is to get outside of ourself and put someone else ahead of us.
[00:15:12] Sandy: Yes. We talk a lot about your personal power and taking care of yourself, but it's not always all about you. And you have to include the other people in your life and see them for who they are and show them how much you appreciate who they are. They feel. more understood and you're more connected to each other.
[00:15:31] Shannon: Right. Which just builds trust and intimacy.
[00:15:33] Sandy: Yeah. When you are able to focus on somebody else, it helps you get outside of yourself and encourages you to grow and change and be a better you. And it makes your life more meaningful in many ways.
[00:15:45] Shannon: Yep. So there are only benefits to figuring this out. And if the way another person expresses love is different from the way you do, it can take some time and some effort and a whole lot of intention for you to understand and work with it.
[00:15:59] Shannon: But those [00:16:00] are the characteristics that build healthy relationships.
[00:16:03] Sandy: Absolutely. And the good news is that you can enhance your relationship by learning what makes the other person feel loved and then doing it. And if you're both committed to loving one another in the ways that speak to each of you, you will find yourself feeling loved and in a strong, meaningful, and fulfilling relationship that will go on and on.
[00:16:22] Shannon: Yes. And I like that you use the word fun to describe it earlier, because it sounds like a whole lot of work and relationships are a whole lot of work. But when you get it right and you're both invested and you're both learning and you're both growing and you're both committed to showing each other how important you are to each other, it
[00:16:39] Sandy: Very much so.
[00:16:40] Sandy: And we talked our last episode about what makes your heart sing. Giving and receiving love definitely will make your heart sing.
[00:16:47] Shannon: I love that.
[00:16:49] Sandy: It is so true.
[00:16:50] Shannon: Thank you, Mama.
[00:16:51] Sandy: And thank you, Shani. I love you.
[00:16:53] Shannon: I love you.
[00:16:55] Sandy: And I really appreciate our listeners. [00:17:00]
[00:17:00] Shannon: We love to hear your stories. We love hearing how you've grown.
[00:17:03] Shannon: We love hearing what you're learning about yourself and how that's affecting your life. So please continue to share those with us. If there are things that you would like us to talk about in future episodes, let us know that as well. And if you feel like doing so, please review our podcast and you can do that publicly wherever you stream, or you can just talk to us directly at yourpersonalpowerpod.
[00:17:23] Shannon: com. Just click contact and drop us an email. Reminder that we are on YouTube, so you can share that podcast with your family and friends, so they can join in on the fun and the learning and the growth. And if you want to learn about coaching and what it can do for your life, which is phenomenal, contact Sandy at sandyinsidejobscoach.
[00:17:41] Shannon: com. We, as always, look forward to hearing from you. And until next time, find your power and change your [00:18:00] life.
