Do You Enable or Empower?

The team from Your Personal Power Pod is very excited to be back with you, beginning Season Four of our podcast.  We greatly appreciate your patience and loyalty while we took December off to get ready for this new season, and are looking forward to continuing to share this podcast journey with you.

In today’s episode we’re talking about enabling and empowering, which are two ways of dealing with another person.  When you enable, you over indulge, have low expectations, and make excuses for their behavior.  When you empower, you support, encourage, and help the other person become independent, confident and self-reliant. In today’s episode of Your Personal Power Pod, we talk about enabling, empowering, and the consequences of both.


We want to hear from you, whether it’s your stories about how self-esteem and personal power affect your life, or topics you’d like us to address in future episodes. We’d love for you to review our podcast. Do this on your streaming service or visit www.yourpersonalpowerpod.com , click Contact and drop us an email. You can also find us on Instagram at Your Personal Power Pod.

Also, if you’d like to make changes in your personal or business life, spending time with a coach can make all the difference.  Sandy is offering a free consultation, so contact her at sandy@insidejobscoach.com and put COACHING in the subject line to schedule a free call.

Thank you for listening to Your Personal Power Pod.  We look forward to hearing from you.

And, until next time, find your power and change your life!

Transcript

E90 Do You Enable or Empower

[00:00:00] Shannon: Welcome to Your Personal Power Pod, a podcast about aligning yourself with the life you want. And here are your hosts, Sandy Abel and Shannon Young.

[00:00:20] Sandy: Shannon, can you believe this is our 90th episode? What? 

[00:00:25] Shannon: That's amazing. That's amazing. That's amazing. That's 

[00:00:26] Sandy: amazing. Congratulations. Well, and congratulations to you and to our listeners. My gosh, we wouldn't be here if you guys didn't appreciate and enjoy what we're doing. So this is a group effort and I'm just blown away that we have done 90 episodes of your personal PowerPod.

[00:00:44] Sandy: There's so much more to talk about. 

[00:00:45] Shannon: That's true. 

[00:00:46] Sandy: What's our topic today? Today, we have a really important topic. We're talking about enabling or empowering. Oh, those are good 

[00:00:54] Shannon: ones. And those are words that you hear in relation to a lot of things, addictive [00:01:00] behaviors, abusive behaviors. 

[00:01:02] Sandy: Right. When you enable and empower, there are two different ways of dealing with another person.

[00:01:07] Sandy: When you enable, you overindulge, have low expectations and make excuses for their behavior. When you empower, you support, encourage, and help the other person become confident and self reliant. Is it 

[00:01:21] Shannon: possible to enable yourself? I think so. What do you think? I think so too. I don't think we talk about that much.

[00:01:27] Shannon: I think we talk about enabling loved ones or leaders or our children, but I don't know that we talk about enabling ourselves. much. I know we talk about empowering ourselves all the time. Let's dive into what it actually means to 

[00:01:42] Sandy: enable. Absolutely. When you enable, you do something that intentionally or inadvertently encourages someone or yourself to continue a harmful or negative pattern of behavior.

[00:01:53] Sandy: And it often involves providing support or assistance that, instead of encouraging independence [00:02:00] or growth. Perpetuates a problematic situation. And yeah, people do that for themselves all the time. If you're trying to lose weight, but you just really want to eat dead cinnamon roll, you'll make excuses and basically enable yourself into doing it.

[00:02:16] Sandy: So you're not helping yourself. You're perpetuating a problem. Can it also 

[00:02:20] Shannon: be just as simple as acknowledging that the behavior is bad, but saying, Oh, but I'm going to let it slide. 

[00:02:27] Sandy: Yes. And you do that with yourself. with other people. You may have a child who is doing something that is not okay, or you may have a spouse that's doing something that really is not okay, but you're just going to make excuses and forgive all the time and not expect them to stand tall and take responsibility.

[00:02:50] Sandy: When you enable somebody, you're not expecting them to take responsibility for anything. 

[00:02:56] Shannon: What does that do to the person who's being 

[00:02:59] Sandy: enabled? [00:03:00] It will create dependency and often a cycle of destructive or irresponsible behavior. If they're not held accountable for their actions or there are no consequences for their behavior, they will continue to do whatever the destructive or ineffective behavior is.

[00:03:19] Sandy: and there's no reason for them to stop. It's easier for them to keep doing it. Unfortunately, people who are enabled usually have low self esteem and don't feel capable or competent. 

[00:03:30] Shannon: And so enabling just reinforces those feelings. Says we know you aren't capable of change, we know you aren't capable of doing the right thing or the better thing, so we'll just love you even 

[00:03:40] Sandy: though, even though you're defective.

[00:03:42] Sandy: Right. 

[00:03:43] Shannon: And often I feel like we enable because we love people. I was thinking this just last night. When I wanted to give my dogs a treat just because I love them. But the vet has already said, Hey, you've already got one chunky monkey. Do you want two? And so I'm not supposed to be giving them treats. [00:04:00] So I didn't, but I could very well have.

[00:04:05] Shannon: I've enabled them to keep snacking, or enabled myself to keep going with this negative pattern of showing them love, which would essentially be killing 

[00:04:13] Sandy: them slowly. Right. And you really don't want to do that. That's not your goal. No. Your goal is to show them love, so the challenge for you is to find ways to show them love without feeding them.

[00:04:25] Shannon: Mm hmm. You were a therapist for a long time. You must have just been swamped in enabling behaviors. Not you yourself, but seeing it in your office. 

[00:04:36] Sandy: Yes, often. Many clients would come in because they had problems with their children or with their spouse and they just didn't know why, especially with children.

[00:04:47] Sandy: Somehow in the last 20, 30 years. The concept of parenting has shifted. It used to be that your job as a parent is to raise responsible, reliable, [00:05:00] independent adults. It's a 20 year job, and you're turning out a product. And that's sort of a cold way to look at it, but that is the parenting job. And back in the day, children were expected to participate and do their share.

[00:05:14] Sandy: They helped clean around the house, or they worked around the farm, or they fed the chickens, or they had to walk themselves to school and back. They had to take some responsibility. And in the last several years, Things have shifted to the point where parents think they're supposed to be their child's friend, not their mentor.

[00:05:33] Sandy: And in order to do that, like you with your dogs, they give, give, give, give, give all the time. If a child wants something, the parent just gives it. And they never say, well, how are you going to earn that? Or this is what you need to do to make it so you can have that. They just say, Oh, you want it? Okay, here it is.

[00:05:52] Sandy: And that is incredibly destructive because in the process, the child learns that they are entitled and they don't have to [00:06:00] do anything except stand there in order to receive. They also learn that they are incompetent and that they can't do things on their own, which is a terrible thing to teach a child.

[00:06:13] Sandy: And I don't think the parents who want to be their child's best friend understand that that's what they're doing. They are undermining their child so that he or she cannot find out that they're capable and competent and learn how to live 

[00:06:26] Shannon: on their own. Yes. I don't think it's just parents. I think the blame lies in a multitude of places, including society as a whole, the school systems.

[00:06:37] Shannon: When our kiddo was in high school, just a couple of years ago, she would come home with homework that there was some expectation she would do. But there was no hard deadline. It was like, well, we'd like to have this back on Friday, but if you don't want to do it, we know you have a lot on your plate. So you kind of have until the end of the year to get it done.

[00:06:58] Shannon: We'll never fail you. [00:07:00] And even if you don't get it done at the end of the year, we'll keep giving you chances to get it in. And I just thought they're teaching these kids that they don't think they can 

[00:07:08] Sandy: do it. Yes. And they're teaching them that they do not have to be responsible for their own behavior.

[00:07:13] Sandy: or for their own results. 

[00:07:15] Shannon: And then when they get out of school and real life slaps them in the face, they've been failed by all the adults in their life up to that point, because now they're being expected to deliver and they don't know how. 

[00:07:27] Sandy: Yes, because they've been enabled by the whole system. And if their parents are also enabling and saying, that's all right.

[00:07:34] Sandy: The school says you don't have to do it. So you don't have to do 

[00:07:36] Shannon: it. Do you remember when I was in fourth grade and sticker books were all the rage when those of us who were, what, how old were we in fourth grade? Ten years old. We're spending all of our hard earned allowance on scratch and sniff stickers and rainbow stickers and filling photo albums with them.

[00:07:56] Shannon: And my sticker book got stolen by a kid in my [00:08:00] class. And when we found out who did it, we 

[00:08:01] Sandy: went to the school and 

[00:08:03] Shannon: said, Hey, we know who took this book. It was so insane. So, and the school said, yes, we know he took it, but he's had a really hard life. So we're gonna let him keep it. 

[00:08:14] Sandy: Yeah, we were horrified. And as a fourth grader, what did you learn from that?

[00:08:18] Shannon: I learned that it doesn't matter that I worked hard for something because somebody else was able to take it away in a second and not be held responsible for it because they didn't think he was capable of being a quality person. I lost out because of that. And what did he learn from that? Bigger question.

[00:08:38] Shannon: Yes. 

[00:08:38] Sandy: What do you think he learned? I think 

[00:08:40] Shannon: he learned it was fine to do whatever the heck you wanted. Look at me all indignant 40 years later.

[00:08:49] Sandy: It was a big deal in those days. That was really important to you and we tried to fight for it. The principal would not cooperate at all. I think if it happened now, I would not let him [00:09:00] get away with that. That's called theft. I'm sorry. I got to leave that school because of that. Yes, that's true. We did take you out of that school and you got a much better education at the other school.

[00:09:12] Sandy: So 

[00:09:13] Shannon: let's move on to empowering. How could we better have handled that situation if we wanted to empower that 

[00:09:20] Sandy: young man? Call him into the principal's office. Tell him we know what he did, hold him responsible, and give him a consequence. That's called empowering, because you make them accountable for what they do.

[00:09:32] Sandy: When you empower someone, you provide them with the tools and resources and knowledge and support necessary to develop their skills. And his skill that he needed to develop was honesty. But if nobody expected him to do that, I don't know what ever happened to him, but I don't think it would be good. And when you do this, it helps them build their confidence and their independence.

[00:09:54] Shannon: Yeah. And it would have showed that we trusted that somewhere inside him, he was strong and [00:10:00] smart and able to do the right thing. And it would have said, this is what we expect from you. We know you can deliver 

[00:10:06] Sandy: this. Right. And we're going to be watching, and the principal is going to be watching, and you're going to have these consequences, and you're going to follow through with them.

[00:10:16] Shannon: Yeah. It teaches someone to find their own strength, and to stand on their own feet, and take control of their lives. 

[00:10:22] Sandy: Right. That is the bottom line, is take control of your life. And when you're empowered, you feel capable of doing that. If you're enabled your whole life, you don't feel capable of taking control of your life.

[00:10:34] Sandy: So you just treat them with respect. Like they're strong and smart and able to handle whatever comes their way. And when you do that, they'll start to see their potential and build self esteem and be able to live a positive life. 

[00:10:49] Shannon: It's about helping somebody recognize and bring to the front. the positive parts of their character, their strengths, and then it helps them see that they [00:11:00] can do better.

[00:11:00] Shannon: Cause I think we all pretty much know that no matter who we are, we have the ability to make different decisions and you can either choose to do the right thing or choose to do the wrong thing. And I mean, if a kid hasn't had consequences their whole life, then when they become an adult, they haven't flexed.

[00:11:17] Shannon: that muscle that says, what am I going to do? How am I going to feel about it 

[00:11:20] Sandy: afterwards? Right. They don't feel that they have the capabilities to do it. They've been taught all their lives that it's okay. I'll take care of it. You don't have to worry. You don't need to stress yourself. If it's hard, then just don't do it.

[00:11:34] Sandy: And so when they get out in the world and are adults and somebody is not enabling them every time they turn around, they don't have that. inner strength, that self esteem to be able to take control of their lives. I 

[00:11:48] Shannon: think we enable sometimes, kind of feeling like we know we're enabling, but it's just easier.

[00:11:55] Shannon: Like sometimes when it comes to parenting, parenting is hard, and that's no [00:12:00] understatement, and sometimes it just feels like a fight, and so sometimes it's easier just to enable. I think the same with partners. Or even coworkers, if someone has a behavior that's destructive or damaging in some way to themselves or anybody else, and you've been dealing with it for a long time, it's hard to fight that sometimes.

[00:12:23] Shannon: And just being like, okay, whatever, I'm just going to do the dishes you left in the sink because I'm tired of fighting it, 

[00:12:29] Sandy: right? And what they learn is if they leave the dishes in the sink long enough, they won't have to do them. And then you start a new pattern where you're always doing the dishes because they're not being responsible.

[00:12:41] Sandy: And if you do that with everything, you're going to end up with somebody in your life who takes responsibility for nothing. Yeah. So that's what happens when you're enabled. And when you empower them, when you say our house rule is If you use a dish, you clean it and put it away, or wash it and put it [00:13:00] in the dishwasher, you have that dish, go do it now.

[00:13:03] Sandy: That is actually empowering, because it lets them know that you see they are capable and competent, that they can be responsible. And that they need to take charge of what they 

[00:13:13] Shannon: do. And it's also about holding yourself accountable. 

[00:13:16] Sandy: Yes. When you do that, it helps them feel that in control of their life.

[00:13:19] Sandy: Yeah. 

[00:13:20] Shannon: When it comes to parenting, you have to do this too. You can't say, Hey, the rule in this house is that you, the child do your dishes and then you, the parent, leave all your dishes in the sink. Like that's part of the hardest thing about parenting is that if you're going to make a rule, you have to live it 

[00:13:34] Sandy: first.

[00:13:35] Sandy: Of course. And that's called being congruent. You have to be congruent when you make rules. That is so important. If you say this is the way it is, then you have to follow the rule along with everybody else, or it loses all its power. So you're not empowering anybody. So congruence is really important. 

[00:13:55] Shannon: How about you wrap 

[00:13:56] Sandy: us up, Sandy?

[00:13:57] Sandy: So if you have people in your life, do you [00:14:00] enable or empower them? And do you enable or empower yourself? Check it out. See if you're letting things slide that probably need to be addressed and then step up and address them because it will help everybody feel more in control of who they are. So enabling and empowering are two different ways of dealing with another person or yourself.

[00:14:20] Sandy: When you enable, you have low expectations, you treat them as incompetent, you shield them from the consequences of their actions, and make excuses for their behavior. When you empower, you expect the other person to be reliable and responsible, accept the consequences of their behavior choices, and support and encourage them to be strong and move ahead.

[00:14:40] Sandy: Empowerment creates confidence, independence, and self sufficiency, and is the way to treat everybody. Amen to 

[00:14:47] Shannon: that. 

[00:14:48] Sandy: Thank you, Mama. Thank you, Shannon, and thank you to our listeners. We really, really appreciate you. This is very fun, doing this with all of you. We are always here to answer your questions, so please [00:15:00] feel free to reach out at any time.

[00:15:01] Sandy: Yes, and 

[00:15:02] Shannon: by all means. Share your stories with us. We love hearing about how self esteem and personal power have played roles in your life and how you've discovered them if you didn't have them before. And we also really love it when you suggest topics you'd like us to address in future episodes, because we want to be talking about what you care about.

[00:15:19] Shannon: And we also love it when you review our podcast. So please do, if you feel like it, you can do so wherever you stream, or you can visit yourpersonalpowerpod. com click contact and just. Talk with us directly. And if you want to learn about how coaching can change your life, contact Sandy at sandy at insidejobscoach.

[00:15:37] Shannon: com. We look forward to hearing from you and until next time, find your power and change your life.