Do You Hold Grudges?

Holding a grudge happens when you can't let go of feelings of anger or resentment toward someone who wronged you. It can be in response to something that actually happened or a perceived threat or action against you. When you feel that someone's hurt you, it's difficult to move past it right away — or ever.  In today’s episode of Your Personal Power Pod we look at why you might hold grudges, what happens when up do, and how to let them go.


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Transcript

E88 do you hold grudges
[00:00:00] Shannon: Welcome to your personal power pod, a podcast about aligning yourself with the life you want. And here are your hosts, Sandy Abel and Shannon Young.
[00:00:20] Shannon: Hey Shannon. Hello, Sandy. What's going on 
[00:00:22] Sandy: in your world? Well, we've been really busy just moving and cleaning out stuff. There's lots of things we have in our world that we just don't use anymore. So we have spent the last couple of weeks moving. Cleaning out is an interesting thing. How so? You look at things that you are attached to and then you realize you'll never use them again and that maybe somebody else can.
[00:00:48] Sandy: And so you have to figure out if your attachment is worth letting go of it or not. If somebody else can benefit from it, so that's so deep, [00:01:00] it's an emotional thing to clean out. 
[00:01:03] Shannon: Absolutely. What are you holding on to that is 
[00:01:07] Sandy: serving you? There you go. And that leads into what we're talking about today, which is holding onto grudges.
[00:01:16] Sandy: So, we hold grudges when we can't let go of feelings of anger or resentment towards someone who we think wronged us. It can be in response to something that actually happened, or just a perceived threat or action against you. When you feel that someone's hurt you, it's difficult to move past it right away.
[00:01:36] Sandy: But if you can't move past it ever, then you're holding a grudge. And it's a common thing to be upset and angry and sad when you feel that someone's hurt you, as long as you don't let it take over your life and as long as you find ways to move past 
[00:01:52] Shannon: it. Yes, I think sometimes it takes time to process when we've been hurt, and then there comes a point when you [00:02:00] can decide, do I want to hang on to this?
[00:02:02] Shannon: Am I still processing this? Or can I let this 
[00:02:06] Sandy: go? Right. So there are a lot of reasons why we hold grudges. A big one is when we persistently ruminate or constantly dwell on hurtful situations and events, or if we just have a negative approach to life and are looking for negativity. That happens a lot.
[00:02:22] Sandy: Sometimes, we have trouble letting go of negative thoughts and emotions like envy or resentment and anger. I think sometimes we're 
[00:02:29] Shannon: waiting to have our feelings acknowledged and validated, too, and if you're waiting for that from a particular person, sometimes that's just not ever forthcoming. 
[00:02:40] Sandy: And we might also just be focusing on the sense of injustice.
[00:02:43] Sandy: If somebody did something bad to you, you want it to be made right, and you just hold the grudge. because you can't let go until it's made right. 
[00:02:53] Shannon: You don't seem like you hold grudges. 
[00:02:56] Sandy: No, I don't. I figure out what I did wrong if I did something [00:03:00] wrong, and I acknowledge what the other person did that was hurtful, and then I learn the lesson, and let it go, because there's no point in holding a grudge.
[00:03:10] Sandy: That just hurts me. It doesn't hurt them. What about you? I don't think I 
[00:03:14] Shannon: intentionally hold grudges. I think I process longer than I need to sometimes. I like things to be wrapped up neatly and am learning the older I get that sometimes things are just messy and they stay messy. So learning to become okay with that has helped me let go of negative emotions.
[00:03:35] Shannon: I do think there comes a point for me when I have to tease apart, okay, I'm processing this and it hurts and so I'm going over and over and over it in my head, and then the point at which I'm just hanging on to it to hang on to it. And that sometimes is 
[00:03:54] Sandy: a muddy line. Very definitely. The bottom line though is that if you hold a [00:04:00] grudge, you're not hurting the other person, you're not getting justice or revenge or whatever it is you want to get.
[00:04:06] Sandy: All you're doing is harming yourself. To be healthy and good to you, you have to figure out how to let it go and move ahead. Because otherwise, you just hurt yourself. 
[00:04:19] Shannon: Yeah, you can make yourself physically sick. You're holding on to anger and stress, and doing that for a long time can lead to medical problems like heart disease and ulcers and chronic pain.
[00:04:31] Shannon: And it also is associated with higher blood pressure and heart rate reactions, and can also give you like, foggy brain, too. It can make your cognitive functioning 
[00:04:41] Sandy: a little bit worse off. Right. It prolongs and worsens your negative mood and makes you more vulnerable to mental health conditions such as depression and anxiety.
[00:04:52] Sandy: It can also trigger violent, aggressive behaviors and negatively affects your relationships and lead to [00:05:00] problems at work and home and school. Holding grudges is not a healthy thing. So how do we let go? There are a whole lot of things you can do to let go of a grudge. First of all, you get clear and stop giving up your power.
[00:05:13] Sandy: Every time you revisit your anger, you're continuing to let the subject of your grudge affect your life. And the best way to win is to let go, because then you reclaim control over your emotions and behavior. And also, remember that you're doing more damage to yourself than the other person. Buddha once said, holding on to anger is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die.
[00:05:37] Sandy: That's a pretty powerful thing to think about. Yeah, that's a vivid image. So by choosing to relinquish your grudge, you're removing toxic, unproductive anger from your 
[00:05:47] Shannon: system. And you know how they say that It takes more muscles to frown than it does to smile. It takes more energy to hold onto a grudge than it does to forgive somebody.
[00:05:57] Shannon: You're just using mental and emotional [00:06:00] energy to simmer over something that's not productive. Like make a better choice. Use your energy in a, in a more productive way. Yes, it can be helpful to try to look at the situation from the other person's point of view. See if you can figure out whether they hurt you intentionally.
[00:06:17] Shannon: Was it a mistake or a misunderstanding? Or did they actually go out of their way to hurt you? If they did go out of their way to hurt you, you may have to work a little bit harder to let it go. Exactly. And if you're having trouble with that, some people find it really helpful to meditate or learn some relaxation techniques.
[00:06:36] Shannon: Journaling can be really 
[00:06:37] Sandy: good for that. And find the joy and the positive instead of focusing on the negative. I know in 
[00:06:43] Shannon: my past I've sometimes written a letter to that person and then not sent it, writing a letter and then burning it or ripping it up, doing something that's kind of ceremonial with that letter can be really helpful.
[00:06:56] Shannon: Write down what you're feeling, write down all the negative feelings and [00:07:00] then literally and figuratively release the grudge. 
[00:07:04] Sandy: That can be really powerful. And you said that you've had to do that before in your past. Was that effective for 
[00:07:10] Shannon: you? I don't think that I've ever fully gotten rid of negative emotions that way, but I've definitely felt an incremental shift.
[00:07:20] Shannon: For me, it's a process. I once had an ex boyfriend tell me, I just kind of always thought you held on to things too long. Ouch. And he was right. I have to actively work to let things go. And so I have found that writing things down and then burning them or flushing them or somehow getting rid of that piece of paper has helped me further that process.
[00:07:46] Sandy: That's great. And when you do that, you reclaim your power. When you hold a grudge, you give away your personal power. And you're not taking care of yourself at all, so when you do something like that you're reclaiming your power and you're saying, wait a minute, [00:08:00] I'm going to take care of me. Yes. We need to move on either together or separately, but I need to take care of myself and I'm going to do that.
[00:08:07] Sandy: So you forgive. Yes. Forgiveness is a liberating feeling that allows you to move forward in your life without being dragged down by past obstacles or incidents that are really irrelevant in the long run. I think 
[00:08:21] Shannon: we need to address that saying, forgive and forget, because there are people who say that if you can't forget, you can't forgive.
[00:08:29] Shannon: And that's not the case. Remember the lesson. If somebody hurt you or has a pattern of hurting you, remember the lesson, forgive them, but maybe reestablish your boundaries with that person. Right. You don't need to hang on to what they did to you. You do need to reaffirm your stance with regard to that person.
[00:08:50] Shannon: Yes. Maybe it's just a loved one who made a mistake. They don't have a pattern of doing that kind of thing. You can forgive them and you can forget. But if it's somebody who has a pattern of hurting you, [00:09:00] you might need to draw some new boundaries in your life. Then you can forgive them, but you're not going to forget that now you are 
[00:09:05] Sandy: approaching this person differently.
[00:09:07] Sandy: Absolutely. Very wise. Forgive and forget. Sometimes that works, like you said, but often it doesn't. I don't forget. I remember the situation and I remember whether I've learned that person is no longer trustworthy or not, or that person is no longer safe. I don't want to forget that, because that's how I set my boundaries.
[00:09:26] Sandy: Forgive, absolutely, because that takes care of you. You're not hauling it around anymore. 
[00:09:32] Shannon: It feels like a very short podcast for what can frequently be a really long process. 
[00:09:41] Sandy: That is true, 
[00:09:42] Shannon: yes. I think a grudge is very similar to podcast we did on guilt. If you're feeling guilty about something, take a look at why.
[00:09:53] Shannon: Because it's a red flag emotion. It tells you that there's something that's unprocessed here and that maybe you need to make some shifts [00:10:00] internally. So figure out what those are and then put the flag down. 
[00:10:03] Sandy: Beautiful. I like that. Holding a grudge is definitely a red flag emotion. It lets you know that there's other stuff going on for you.
[00:10:11] Sandy: It's 
[00:10:12] Shannon: really helpful for me when we talk about these kinds of issues, you know, when you're having some kind of resistance in your life somewhere, to just hear the phrase, learn the lesson, because that's all these things are. Learn the lesson and then move on. I think it's really easy, especially for people like me who have a tendency to hang on to emotions.
[00:10:30] Shannon: To go, Oh no, the point is not to stay here. The point is to get whatever is in this for me and then progress. And so if you're feeling like holding a grudge, figure out 
[00:10:40] Sandy: why. If you focus on yourself and the way to take care of it, instead of focusing on the other person and how they wronged you, you can move past it and you will be stronger for the experience.
[00:10:54] Sandy: Makes you more powerful as you move through your life. Would you like to wrap us up? Yes. So, [00:11:00] holding a grudge happens when you can't let go of feelings of anger or resentment towards someone who wronged you. It's okay to be upset, angry, and sad when you feel that someone has hurt you, as long as you don't let it take over your life or hold onto it for too long.
[00:11:14] Sandy: When you hold onto the negative feelings for a long time, you're then holding a grudge. We hold grudges for a variety of reasons, including a need for validation, a desire for justice, and we may just have a negative approach to life and expect things to go wrong all the time. So when somebody hurts us, we go, oh yeah, see, there it is.
[00:11:34] Sandy: Also, when you hold a grudge, it can harm you in many ways, including damaging your physical, emotional, and mental health, harming your relationships, and triggering violent and aggressive behaviors. There are many things you can do to let go of a grudge, including finding the positive, changing your perspective, learning the lesson, forgiving and moving on, and focusing on the present and the joy in your life.
[00:11:57] Sandy: We suggest that you release those [00:12:00] grudges and fill all that new room in your heart with love, laughter, and the best of memories. Thank you, Sandy. And thank you, Shannon, and thank you to our listeners. We appreciate you, and we would love to hear from you if you have anything you want us to cover. Yes. 
[00:12:15] Shannon: Tell us about your ideas for future episodes.
[00:12:18] Shannon: Sometimes our listener suggestions are our very favorite topics to cover, so please share those with us. And also, we want to hear your stories about how self esteem and personal power affect your life, and if you feel like doing so, we'd also love it if you would review our podcast. That really comes in helpful, and you can do that wherever you stream.
[00:12:36] Shannon: Or you can just visit us at your personal power pod.com. Click contact and drop us an email to talk to us directly. And if you'd like to learn about coaching and the marvelous ways that it can change your life, contact Sandy at sandy@insidejobscoach.com and we look forward to hearing from you. So until next time, find your power and change your life.[00:13:00]