Do You Sabotage Yourself?

Self-sabotage is when you consciously or unconsciously do or don't do things that block your success or prevent you from accomplishing your goals. When you do these kinds of behaviors it can affect your personal and professional success, your relationships, and your mental, physical and emotional health. In today’s episode of Your Personal Power Pod, we talk about self-sabotage and how it can impact your life.

We want to hear from you, whether it’s your stories about how self-esteem and personal power affect your life, or topics you’d like us to address in future episodes. We’d love for you to review our podcast. Do this on your streaming service or visit www.yourpersonalpowerpod.com , click Contact and drop us an email. You can also find us on Instagram at Your Personal Power Pod.

Also, if you’d like to make changes in your personal or business life, spending time with a coach can make all the difference.  Sandy is offering a free consultation, so contact her at sandy@insidejobscoach.com and put COACHING in the subject line to schedule a free call.

Thank you for listening to Your Personal Power Pod.  We look forward to hearing from you.

And, until next time, find your power and change your life!

Transcript

E87 do you sabotage yourself_

[00:00:00] Shannon: Welcome to your personal power pod, a podcast about aligning yourself with the life you want. And here are your hosts, Sandy Abel and Shannon Young.

[00:00:20] sandy: Shannon, how are you 

[00:00:21] Shannon: today? Hey, Sandy, I'm doing very well. Thank you. 

[00:00:24] sandy: How about you? Excellent. We have an interesting topic today. I'm excited to get into it and see where we go with it because I think it's something that everybody does, sometimes consciously, sometimes unconsciously, but it makes a big difference in how things turn out in your world.

[00:00:41] sandy: So let's do it. 

[00:00:43] Shannon: We are talking about self sabotage today. And I think you're right. I think everybody has 

[00:00:49] sandy: experience with this. Exactly. When you consciously or unconsciously do or don't do things that block your success. And a lot of times you don't even realize [00:01:00] you're doing it until you stop and think, how come I'm never achieving my goal or how come I'm not getting where I want to be.

[00:01:07] sandy: These kinds of behaviors can affect your personal and professional success and your mental health and your physical health. You 

[00:01:13] Shannon: know what I think is really surprising, at least it was to me, is that perfectionism is a form of self sabotage. And that seems so counterintuitive. 

[00:01:24] sandy: Yes. It does, but people who are perfectionist think they have to do everything perfectly or they can't do it.

[00:01:32] sandy: And when you're starting something new, you're not going to be perfect. I don't even like the word perfect. I think you are your perfect you and what you do is perfect for the situation. Sometimes good enough is fine, but perfectionists say, well, I can't do that because I tried it once and it didn't work.

[00:01:50] sandy: And so I'm just never going to get it. And they sabotage themselves with their negative mindset and their negative self talk. And all those things 

[00:01:58] Shannon: that we do every day, [00:02:00] like just endlessly scrolling on Facebook or TikTok or binge watching TV or just getting lost in some rabbit hole on the internet, all of those things, video gaming, internet shopping, all that stuff.

[00:02:13] Shannon: is not only addictive behavior, but it could also be taking you away from the things that matter most and the things that you really want to work on in your life or focus on or have more of. If you're doing those things, then you're getting further and further away from what you actually want. 

[00:02:28] sandy: Exactly.

[00:02:29] sandy: It's a great distraction. And it's the difference between short term and long term goals. If you have a long term goal that you want to accomplish something and you need to be doing a little bit of something every day to move you towards that, Instead, you just are playing on the internet, or doing video games, or binge watching TV.

[00:02:50] sandy: You're never going to move towards your goal. And your short term goal might be, oh, this is way more fun, I'd rather do this. I have a goal to weigh a certain amount, and when [00:03:00] I get over that... I would like to lose a pound or two just to get back to where I want to be, but I also love ice cream. My long term goal is to be a certain weight and look a certain way, but my short term goal is I've had a hard day and I deserve a treat and I'm really going to have some ice cream.

[00:03:16] sandy: And so I choose the short term goal in the process, pretty much destroy the long term goal. And people do that all the time. And that is self 

[00:03:25] Shannon: sabotage. Yes, I heard a great quote and I don't know if someone said it or if it's just kind of a commonly accepted sentiment, but it's that most unhappiness is caused by giving up what you want most for what you want now.

[00:03:38] sandy: Yes, absolutely. And that is what happens when you sabotage yourself. You have your goal, you want it most, you maybe you want to make a million dollars, or maybe you want to stop drinking, but you choose in the short term to continue to go to the bar or to not contact the people you need to [00:04:00] contact to start making your million dollars.

[00:04:02] sandy: And those short term decisions can really get in the way of the long term success. So that's a great quote, I love that. 

[00:04:09] Shannon: I find this happens to me when I engage in magical thinking. Like just this past weekend, my husband and I helped a friend work a charity auction, and at the end of the auction, one of the things they did was a dessert run.

[00:04:25] Shannon: Your table could bid on different desserts. And not all of the desserts got sold. And so at the end, my friend who was the auctioneer said, Hey, take one of these home. And I, being addicted to cake and sugar said, Heck yeah, I'll take one of those cakes home. Totally thinking I'm going to eat my giant piece of cake and then that's it.

[00:04:47] Shannon: I'll throw the rest of the cake away. But I know myself well enough, know ultimately that if there's cake sitting on my counter, every time I walk by, I'm going to eat some of it. And so ultimately I had to throw the [00:05:00] cake away because I can't have it in the house. And I knew that when I agreed to take the cake home, but I just convinced myself I could have one cake and practice moderation, but I knew that wasn't going to happen.

[00:05:12] Shannon: And now I'm feeling like I can't button my jeans because I ate a whole cake this weekend. 

[00:05:20] sandy: But you didn't. You threw it away. Well, I threw 

[00:05:23] Shannon: what was left of it away. I did not throw the whole cake away.

[00:05:31] sandy: Self sabotage! Well, and now you will get out and take a long walk and exercise and, um, get back on track. But that's a great example of self sabotage, and it can be over something as small as that. Or it can be huge stuff where you are using drugs or smoking or gambling or overspending or that kind of thing that can be really destructive and you might be sabotaging that without even [00:06:00] realizing that you want to stop but you are not.

[00:06:02] sandy: doing what you need to do to be able to stop 

[00:06:05] Shannon: that. So I think it's tricky sometimes because we talk a lot in our society about self care and making time for rest and all that stuff, which I totally support, but you also have to find a balance because if you rest. all the time. You won't get anything accomplished.

[00:06:24] Shannon: So what are some signs that we're self sabotaging? 

[00:06:27] sandy: There are many. Not completing a project or not achieving a goal or not even moving towards your project or goal. Failing to prepare properly. Being consistently late. Procrastinating and repeatedly putting off something that you need to do, even though you know it has to be completed, like filing your taxes or paying your bills.

[00:06:48] sandy: It's like, Oh, I'll get around to that. Well, you wait too long and the government's going to be knocking on your door or you're good. They're going to cut off your electricity, starting projects and then distracting yourself. So you [00:07:00] never finish them are ignoring your goal and continuing to do destructive behaviors.

[00:07:04] sandy: That's what. People with a lot of negative habits do. Then they'll say, wait a minute, I need to stop this. And then they'll be good for a week. And then they'll go back to it. Sometimes people self sabotage because they fear success or failure. Either one, you don't move ahead. You just do things to get in the way of movement.

[00:07:25] sandy: So there's a lot of negative self talk where you tell yourself that you're inadequate, or unworthy, or incapable. You say to yourself, you can't do that, you don't deserve that. If you try, you'll probably fail anyway, so why bother? Those are huge self sabotage signs. 

[00:07:43] Shannon: We talked about this in our fear of success episode.

[00:07:46] Shannon: It might not be so much about the goal, maybe you really want to try for that. promotion or that recognition or award, but you know that achieving it will mean your relationships might change or your life [00:08:00] situation might have to change. Maybe you'll have to move. And if you haven't come to terms with the fact that sometimes achieving what you say you want could mean changes elsewhere in your life, then it can be really easy to set up roadblocks for yourself to keep you where you 

[00:08:13] sandy: are.

[00:08:14] sandy: Right. And sometimes that's totally unconscious. You may not even realize you're doing it. You just are subtly undermining yourself. Unless you catch on and pay attention or somebody else points it out to you, you may not even know that you're doing that to yourself. A lot of self sabotage is unconscious.

[00:08:33] sandy: I like the 

[00:08:33] Shannon: word undermining because sabotage has connotations of malicious intent or purposeful intent. Undermining. It feels a little bit less intentional, like it's a byproduct of whatever else is going on for you. And if you're not really clear about what you want and what it's going to take to get it, then it makes sense that you might not have created a very clear channel to get where you want to go, as [00:09:00] opposed to purposely making things 

[00:09:02] sandy: harder for yourself.

[00:09:03] sandy: Yes, that's a great distinction. So we should be talking about, do you undermine yourself? Like you said, self sabotage sounds a little more dramatic and with a negative intent. Bigger, and it 

[00:09:14] Shannon: sounds like doing it with 

[00:09:16] sandy: clear intent. Yeah, and undermine is, you may not even know you're doing it. So I like that, great distinction.

[00:09:22] sandy: But there are things you can do to stop sabotaging yourself. The first thing you do is you monitor your behaviors. Pay attention to your feelings and your thoughts and your beliefs about yourself and challenge them when they get in the way of your goals. And then listen to your self talk. What are you telling yourself?

[00:09:39] sandy: Are you saying you can do this? You've got it. Or are you saying it will never work? And are your thoughts rational and logical or irrational and fear based? That's really important to make that distinction. If your goal is really important to you, you have to be clear on those things. And 

[00:09:56] Shannon: I've noticed sometimes that with me, it isn't so much about self [00:10:00] talk as it is about recognizing my feelings because If my goal is to lose 10 pounds and I'm late for something and I grab a granola bar on the way out the door, it may not be like there's conscious self talk saying I'm going to keep you from losing those 10 pounds.

[00:10:16] Shannon: But once I take a bite into that granola bar, there will be something inside me that there's a heart sink moment that realizes I didn't make the best choice here. I should have grabbed that apple instead. There wasn't something actually happening other than. I'm in a hurry. I'm going to do what's easy, but then recognizing the resulting feeling is like, Oh, I failed to plan here.

[00:10:37] Shannon: I could have done this better. 

[00:10:38] sandy: Yes. Yeah. It's really important to pay attention to your actions and just stop for just a minute and think before you act. That'll make a big difference. If you're still working towards goals, you have to identify if your goal is something you really want. If it is, are you willing to do the work required to make it [00:11:00] happen?

[00:11:00] sandy: Are you willing to hold yourself accountable? I think accountability is huge for goal achievement, but a lot of people have trouble keeping themselves on track, so they undermine and sabotage themselves unintentionally. And you have to decide if the reward is more important than the discomfort to achieve it.

[00:11:19] sandy: If you're willing to put away the screens and the distractions and things because you really want to achieve your goal. Yes. And 

[00:11:25] Shannon: that's where a coach can come in really, really helpful because it's someone who can hold you accountable to your goals. If you've ever worked towards a goal that other people either didn't think you could make or had a vested interest in.

[00:11:38] Shannon: Keeping you from achieving then you know that sometimes finding a support system can be a real challenge, and that makes holding yourself accountable sometimes really hard. It doesn't affect a coach if you achieve your goal, if you are not, so they don't have a vested interest in your outcome. So they can help you see where you're failing yourself and where you're achieving.

[00:11:57] Shannon: And the best way to keep yourself motivated, the 

[00:11:59] sandy: coach [00:12:00] caress about your success. Your coach can be a great accountability partner. I've had many clients, one week we'll create an action plan of the things they want to do in the next two weeks. And then when we next talk, I'll say, so how did your action plan go?

[00:12:14] sandy: They'll go, uh, well, you know, I was able to do this, but I didn't do this thing. And I knew you were going to ask me and I, I'm going to get it done because I knew you were going to ask me. So I'll have it done by the next time. They have trouble being accountable to themselves. That's not enough motivation.

[00:12:31] sandy: But being accountable to somebody else makes all the difference. And you don't have to be accountable. You don't have to have a coach. You have to have somebody who is in your corner that you trust, that you can tell, okay, I'm going to do this by this time. And then make sure that that person follows up in a nonjudgmental way.

[00:12:49] sandy: If my clients tell me, Oh, I just didn't get that done. I'll say, fine, that's your call. Do you want to look at why you didn't get it done? It reminds them that they need to be accountable to [00:13:00] themselves by being accountable to somebody else. If you have a good friend or a family member that will hold that spot for you and not be judgmental, then talk to them about what your goal is.

[00:13:11] Shannon: Yes. Strong emotions can tell you a whole lot about what's going on for you and why you're not 

[00:13:16] sandy: reaching your goals. So you have to pay attention to those and identify what they're telling you. Identify your thoughts that are causing the emotions because feelings come from thoughts. If they're negative, challenge them.

[00:13:28] sandy: Say, is that real? If you're starting something new and you're telling yourself, Oh, I'm never going to get this. I might as well just quit. How real is that? It's probably not true, so make sure you challenge the negative thoughts that are running through your head that are creating fear, so you can change your perspective and start doing positive affirmations instead.

[00:13:48] sandy: Start telling yourself, you've got this, no problem, you can do it. Takes a little bit of trying, a little bit of practice, but you can make it work. Go for it. Talk to yourself like you would talk to a [00:14:00] good friend who is trying something new. You would be supportive and encouraging. You would not say, ah, you're never going to get it.

[00:14:05] sandy: So make sure you talk to yourself like that so that you can change the emotions and thoughts that are undermining you and start developing self supporting behaviors. Hold yourself accountable and use positive self talk. Yeah, 

[00:14:18] Shannon: learning to be in your own corner is a thing. I think a lot of us relate to ourselves in an entirely different way than we relate to other people.

[00:14:28] Shannon: And the way we talk to ourselves is a way we would never talk to anybody else ever anywhere. Learning to be gentle with you and supportive with you is just as important as it is in any of your other relationships, if not more so. 

[00:14:40] sandy: Absolutely, a hundred percent. It's all about your level of self esteem and self respect and claiming your personal power.

[00:14:49] sandy: Once you are feeling strong in those areas, then you will be able to be accountable to yourself and make whatever you want. to happen. Happen. 

[00:14:58] Shannon: Yes. It's not just about [00:15:00] moving towards your goals. It's also about getting to know yourself better and understanding how you tick and learning how to work with that.

[00:15:08] Shannon: So, hopefully, you're learning about you while you're moving towards your desires and dreams. Once you learn how to flex that muscle, then you can do it without thinking about 

[00:15:19] sandy: it. Exactly. So I challenge all of our listeners to notice where you're undermining yourself. Get to the root of what's going on.

[00:15:28] sandy: Is it a goal you don't even really want to accomplish? Is it a goal somebody else has laid on you that you may or may not want to do? Or is it something that you really, really want and are willing to put in the effort and take charge and make it happen? And once you've identified that, then see if you want to move ahead or let it go.

[00:15:46] sandy: Any 

[00:15:46] Shannon: final thoughts about self sabotage before you want to wrap us 

[00:15:49] sandy: up? I just think it's important, as you said, to be gentle with yourself. We all do this, as we said, sometimes consciously, sometimes unconsciously. You may catch [00:16:00] yourself scrolling Facebook or playing on the internet and not even realize you're doing it.

[00:16:05] sandy: Be gentle with yourself. When you catch yourself doing that, go, Oh, well, that was fun. I met that nice little short term need, and now I'm going to put away the computer and go mow the lawn or whatever it is that you need to get done. But be gentle with yourself in the process. As always. As always. 

[00:16:24] Shannon: Yes.

[00:16:25] Shannon: Awesome. Wrap us up, Sandy. 

[00:16:26] sandy: Okay, so self sabotage is when you consciously or unconsciously do or don't do things that block your success or prevent you from accomplishing your goals. When you do these kinds of things, you can affect your personal and professional success as well as damage your self confidence and cause you mental, emotional, and physical stress.

[00:16:47] sandy: It can also impact your relationships. There are many kinds of self sabotage, including perfectionism, imposter syndrome, negative self talk, and mindless distractions like scrolling Facebook or TikTok, binge watching [00:17:00] TV, surfing the internet, scrolling social media, video games, and internet shopping, all of that.

[00:17:06] sandy: Signs of self sabotage include never completing a project, or achieving a goal, and avoiding anything that seems challenging. Negative self talk often contributes to self sabotage, but you can stop that by identifying and challenging your negative thoughts and feelings and behaviors. Once you identify them, you can challenge them and decide if they are rational or irrational.

[00:17:29] sandy: If they are irrational, let them go. Change your perspective. Claim your personal power. Hold yourself accountable and start doing positive affirmations, encouraging self talk so you can move ahead and accomplish your goals. 

[00:17:43] Shannon: Awesome. Thank you, 

[00:17:44] sandy: Sandy. Thank you, Shannon, and many thanks to our listeners. We really appreciate you taking this personal power journey with us, and we'll look forward to connecting with you next 

[00:17:54] Shannon: time.

[00:17:54] Shannon: And in the meantime, please tell us if you have found a way to overcome your self sabotage [00:18:00] and how you're doing getting to your goals. So tell us your stories. Tell us how self esteem and personal power affect your life. And also, please suggest any topics you'd like us to address in future episodes.

[00:18:11] Shannon: We'd love that. And if you feel like it, please feel free to review our podcast. That's really helpful for us and you can do that wherever you stream or you can visit yourpersonalpowerpod. com, click contact and drop us an email to talk to us directly. And if you want to learn about coaching, you can reach out to Sandy and talk to her about it and you can find her at sandyinsidejobscoach.

[00:18:31] Shannon: com. As always, we look forward to hearing from you and until next time. Find your power and change your life.[00:19:00]