Do You Fear or Embrace Failure

When you fail it means you are unsuccessful at accomplishing something or achieving your goals. Some people are so afraid of failure that they don’t ever try something new.  Others understand that when you fail it’s not a reflection on who you are, and there are actually many benefits from it.  In today’s episode of Your Personal Power Pod, we talk about what happens when you embrace failure and what happens when you don’t.

We want to hear from you, whether it’s your stories about how self-esteem and personal power affect your life, or topics you’d like us to address in future episodes. We’d love for you to review our podcast. Do this on your streaming service or visit www.yourpersonalpowerpod.com , click Contact and drop us an email. You can also find us on Instagram at Your Personal Power Pod.

Also, if you’d like to make changes in your personal or business life, spending time with a coach can make all the difference.  Sandy is offering a free consultation, so contact her at sandy@insidejobscoach.com and put COACHING in the subject line to schedule a free call.

Thank you for listening to Your Personal Power Pod.  We look forward to hearing from you.

And, until next time, find your power and change your life!

Transcript

E85 do you fear or embrace failure

[00:00:00] Shannon: Welcome to your personal power pod, a podcast about aligning yourself with the life you want. And here are your hosts, Sandy Abel and Shannon Young.

[00:00:21] Sandy: We're doing an interesting topic today. We're 

[00:00:23] Shannon: doing a supremely 

[00:00:24] Sandy: important topic today. Absolutely, and it's one that people do not like to talk about, so of course we're going to talk about it, because that's what we do. 

[00:00:36] Shannon: Yes, today we're talking about failure. And whether you shy away from it or 

[00:00:42] Sandy: embrace it.

[00:00:43] Sandy: Exactly. What you choose to do, shy away from it or embrace it, will pretty much determine how your life goes. So, it's a huge important thing to be aware of how you do things. Yes. So, when you fail... It means that you're unsuccessful at accomplishing a [00:01:00] goal or something that you set out to do. And you know, we've all failed.

[00:01:04] Sandy: My gosh, when we were little people, little, little people, we were learning to walk. We didn't just get up out of the crib and walk. We tried and we failed and we fell down and we got up again and we walked and fell down again. And eventually, we learned how to walk and stay upright. But we forget that.

[00:01:23] Shannon: Well, we forget that every time we tried to stand up, we were strengthening a different muscle, learning a new thing about our body, and progressing, even 

[00:01:34] Sandy: though we didn't reach the goal. Exactly. We were learning about balance. Hopefully, we had adults around us who were supportive of that, not making fun of us or making us feel bad about it.

[00:01:47] Sandy: Unfortunately, many people feel ashamed or embarrassed when they fail. Uh, they think they should always be good at everything. And when they're not, they decide that it's a character flaw that Other people will [00:02:00] negatively judge them, or it means they're not capable or competent or lovable, or that they just don't have any value.

[00:02:08] Sandy: Unfortunately, their self esteem is probably pretty low. Mm 

[00:02:11] Shannon: hmm. Michael Jordan said, 26 times I've been trusted to take the game winning shot and missed. I've failed over and over again in my life, and that is why I succeed. 

[00:02:25] Sandy: There you go. Wise man who is not afraid of failure. Nope. If you fear failure, it might be because when you were young, the people around you ridiculed and laughed at you when you didn't get something right.

[00:02:36] Sandy: Then when this happened, you felt there was something wrong with you. And if that negative behavior from other people continued over time, you eventually learned that it's not safe to try new things because people will laugh at you. I would imagine that Michael Jordan had people supporting him. and encouraging him when he was learning to play basketball.

[00:02:56] Sandy: He learned that it's okay to fail and [00:03:00] miss a shot because you'll get the next five as long as you keep going. Or, you know, it's 

[00:03:05] Shannon: not always necessary to have people around you supporting you. I've read in a lot of places that if you have a really big goal, It is best not to tell other people because if people don't believe in you or tell you the supportive things that you would like to hear, it can be really easy to get dissuaded from trying to reach that goal.

[00:03:26] Shannon: Absolutely. If you can just find it within yourself to move forward and say, it doesn't really matter what those people say or think. They don't know me. They don't know what I'm capable of. They're just coming from their own place of limitation. And move forward and keep failing 

[00:03:42] Sandy: forward. Right. There are so many reasons to hang in there and keep going.

[00:03:48] Sandy: I like to watch on TV the, I think it's a history channel. They have the food that built America and the machines that built America. And it's all about failure, really. It's about [00:04:00] how people had an idea for something and tried to make it work and it didn't work. And then they learned from that and tried again and that didn't work either.

[00:04:10] Sandy: And they were persistent and didn't fail once and go, Oh, well, we're never going to get this and nobody wants it anyway, so we quit. If Henry Ford had done that, we wouldn't have a car, you know, we wouldn't have fast food or we wouldn't have frozen food or we wouldn't have all those things that weren't there a long time ago, but some smart person said, I think we could do this and they got their ego out of the way and made it happen.

[00:04:39] Sandy: So, it's normal when you think about trying something new to experience fear. Challenging projects or endeavors can be overwhelming and terrifying. Or you might think you're not smart enough or good enough, or just self sabotage yourself by avoiding or procrastinating. Procrastination [00:05:00] is huge. If you have fear, you just say, Oh, well, I'll do it later.

[00:05:04] Sandy: And eventually you just forget you were going to do it and never accomplish anything. 

[00:05:09] Shannon: I think especially in today's society where people are so quick. to judge and point and mock and laugh that it can be really anxiety producing to try something new or to put something out there that isn't perfect.

[00:05:25] Shannon: And I think we need to develop a thicker skin to be able to say, I'm trying something. You can not like it, but what are you doing? Yeah, exactly. You know, you're spending your time trolling people on the internet while I'm out trying to make something happen. So have fun with that. I'm going to do life.

[00:05:45] Sandy: Which is fabulous. But you know, you have to have positive self esteem. to do that. And unfortunately, a lot of people just do negative self talk. They don't have enough self esteem. They don't believe in themselves enough to tell themselves that, I [00:06:00] can do this. Just hang in there. Keep going. Yeah, it didn't work the first five times, but I learned every time.

[00:06:05] Sandy: Like you said, I'm going to keep on going. As long as you choose to believe in your goals. You will do that. If you don't believe in your goals, you won't even 

[00:06:15] Shannon: try. And you gotta stop comparing yourself to other people. I know, especially when it comes to competitions where there are other people involved, it can often feel like I need to do better than that person.

[00:06:26] Shannon: But if you listen to Olympic athletes, frequently they will say things like, I didn't even notice there was another person there. I was competing with myself. It was about a curiosity to see how far 

[00:06:41] Sandy: If you start comparing yourself to other people, you will never do anything or go anywhere. You have to just compete with yourself and believe in yourself enough to say, I can do this.

[00:06:53] Sandy: And sometimes perfectionism gets in the way. If you're one of those folks who was taught when you were young, do it right or don't do it [00:07:00] at all. If you only do it halfway, that doesn't count. You have to be willing to not meet super high standards. I hate the word perfect because you're your perfect you.

[00:07:12] Sandy: And other than that, everything's perfect, but nothing is perfect. You know, that's other people's judgment. So you have to be willing to try. to make it just according to you. 

[00:07:24] Shannon: I don't think I've ever heard you use the word hate before. That's a really strong statement from you, that you hate the word perfect.

[00:07:32] Shannon: It's a severely 

[00:07:33] Sandy: limiting word. Exactly, exactly. It just stops people in their tracks. I don't like that. Strongly don't like that. At least in my world, I believe that we're all perfect. being who we are. And so we cannot judge perfectionism anywhere else. We cannot judge compared to other people. 

[00:07:57] Shannon: What is your experience with failure?

[00:07:59] Shannon: Do you have [00:08:00] one that comes to mind? I don't 

[00:08:01] Sandy: use that word. Interesting. I don't see things as failures. I have had lots of things that haven't worked out. I learned lessons, the huge life one, was that my first marriage, some people could say it was a failure because we're not still married, but I don't see it that way.

[00:08:18] Sandy: I see that I got two amazing children out of the deal, and I grew and learned and had a lot of fun, but also learned how to be strong and be myself. That was not a failure. The end result was that we're not together anymore, but, oh my goodness. I would not have missed that for the world, because I wouldn't be who I am today without that, and I thank him for that.

[00:08:45] Sandy: That's beautiful. I don't use the word failure. Something either works out or it doesn't work out, and if it didn't work the way I wanted it the first time, I'll just do it again. Mm hmm. What about you? Do you use the word failure? 

[00:08:56] Shannon: Rarely. I think the way I've learned to [00:09:00] approach goals is to... redefine what it is I'm trying to accomplish.

[00:09:07] Shannon: My end goal may be to have a beautiful backyard. As you know, I've been struggling with this for years. 

[00:09:16] Sandy: You've been working on it for years, not struggling. 

[00:09:21] Shannon: Well, no, there's definitely been struggle involved, but I think that helps me adjust the way I approach it, too. I don't really have... landscape skills, but I'm willing to learn, and if it doesn't work, or if it's ruining my body in the process, like hauling rock back to the backyard, like I did a few weeks ago, that's an opportunity to say, Hey, maybe there's a better way.

[00:09:47] Shannon: It's more about experimenting than it is about making a beeline for the goal. And I think that's where the saying about it's about the journey, not the destination comes in. Because yeah, [00:10:00] someday, maybe I'll have an awesome backyard, but until then, you know what? I've learned a lot about myself. I've gotten really strong.

[00:10:08] Shannon: I've done some super cool things and some pretty wonky things and I have learned that my husband is a very patient, forgiving, loving man, so you know, a whole lot of good came out of that one goal. 

[00:10:22] Sandy: See? There you go. So many good things. Right. And I 

[00:10:25] Shannon: haven't reached the goal yet, but the goal is kind of incidental 

[00:10:29] Sandy: now.

[00:10:30] Sandy: Oh, absolutely. When you reach your goal, then you have to do something else. I mean, you're going to make a new goal. You're focused on working on your yard, but when your yard's done, you make a new goal and then you start all over and fail and get up and start again. And it's just a long process. And it is about the journey.

[00:10:50] Sandy: It's always about the journey. And it's nice to reach your goals because at some point, I think your backyard looks beautiful. Thank you. But at some point, you will be [00:11:00] satisfied with it and you will enjoy that. Then you got to move on and find a new goal. Or I won't. 

[00:11:07] Shannon: It could just be that it will always be a work in progress.

[00:11:11] Shannon: And I am becoming okay with that. Because if I spend all my time hung up on the goal, I won't enjoy 

[00:11:18] Sandy: it now. Exactly. And you have to enjoy the process. If you're hauling rock, it's got to be fun. It's hard to imagine that hauling rock is fun, but it has to be fun for you and you would have to enjoy it or don't do it.

[00:11:32] Sandy: You know, I 

[00:11:33] Shannon: have failed to reach the initial goal of having it. What I wanted it to be by now. But so what? It's functional. Some people think it looks nice. It's okay. It doesn't matter. I do. The goal hasn't gone anywhere, but the importance I've attached to it has changed. 

[00:11:51] Sandy: Yes. And when you embrace failure, there is so much.

[00:11:56] Sandy: good that comes from that. You become internally stronger [00:12:00] and gain mental strength and the ability to persevere, and you build resilience and mental strength. And you're more 

[00:12:06] Shannon: able to deal with failure in the future. You're going to run across it again. So being able to go, Oh, yeah, I've felt this way before.

[00:12:15] Shannon: How do I move forward is really useful. And it teaches you to find new solutions and increase your critical thinking skills and become 

[00:12:23] Sandy: more creative. Yeah. And it makes you stronger. Inner toughness and determination and motivation keep you going, which is great. It's an opportunity to grow and learn and shift your perspective.

[00:12:34] Sandy: You can realize that failure was not a character flaw, but simply something you needed to do to learn the process and keep on moving. 

[00:12:42] Shannon: Yeah, you realize the world doesn't stop because you failed and it helps you figure out what you're good at and what you 

[00:12:48] Sandy: need to work on. Yeah, when you're completely open to learning all that you can from failure, you can identify your weak points and strengthen them.

[00:12:58] Sandy: And then you can work on [00:13:00] moving ahead. 

[00:13:00] Shannon: Yeah, maybe that means doing more research. Maybe that means learning more. Maybe that means finding a mentor. 

[00:13:06] Sandy: Right. We all have talents and we all have things that we're just not good at. I know I'm not a really good detail oriented person. And if I set myself out to do something that is incredibly detail oriented, it will be really struggle for me plus I will not have a good time at it.

[00:13:25] Sandy: So, I know if there's a detail part, I will find somebody like you, because you're awesome with details, to do that part of what we're working on. And it's okay to know what you're good at and what you're not good at. And then you can collaborate with people to move 

[00:13:42] Shannon: ahead. Which isn't to say... It's okay to just go, Oh, I'm not good at that, and then not try at it.

[00:13:49] Shannon: I think you're talking about recognizing natural aptitudes and what's fun for you. And in situations where you have the option, saying like, No, I'm going to farm that out because it doesn't enhance my [00:14:00] life to do it. But if you're in, you know, sixth grade and you, math is just something you're not good at.

[00:14:07] Shannon: Well, yeah, but you're going to need it in your life, 

[00:14:10] Sandy: so let's work at it. Yes. And then you hang in there and you learn. And you grow. In order to reach your full potential, you have to be willing to put yourself out there and ignore the fear and give it all 

[00:14:22] Shannon: you've got. Yes, I think a big part of handling failure gracefully is looking at the story you're telling yourself about it.

[00:14:33] Shannon: If you fail, you're worthless. Is that what you're telling yourself? If you fail, nobody will respect you. Or, the people who matter, the people who have... failed over and over and over again in their life and succeeded great things, will they be impressed if they were to know that you were failing over and over and over again, but making progress each time?

[00:14:53] Shannon: Change your story 

[00:14:55] Sandy: around it. Absolutely. Only listen to the people who are [00:15:00] supportive. Do not listen to people who are critical. Unless they have a good suggestion and then they're not being critical, they're saying, I tried this and this one worked for me better than that. It's like, okay, great. We'll collaborate.

[00:15:12] Sandy: I'll talk to you, you'll tell me how it worked for you. I might take that with me, I might not. Thank you for that, but that's not a criticism. They're being supportive, and ignore the people who are critical. With anything 

[00:15:24] Shannon: in life, take from it what will benefit you, and then let the rest of it go. Don't hang up on all the negative 

[00:15:32] Sandy: stuff.

[00:15:33] Sandy: Exactly. And that helps you build up your character. When things don't go right and you just go, Oh, well, the heck with it. That's not being really strong. But if you say, Hey, I can do this. I'm brave. I have courage. I'm going to keep going. If you can pick yourself up and start again, dealing with failure will help you do that.

[00:15:52] Sandy: Yes. And it 

[00:15:52] Shannon: will help you be more creative. You can look for inspiration and creativity from 

[00:15:57] other 

[00:15:58] Sandy: sources. Absolutely. [00:16:00] Like Albert Einstein said, Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. And you have to be open to not doing the same thing over and over, finding new ways, embracing what didn't work, and then moving ahead.

[00:16:16] Sandy: Think outside the box. When you talk to other people, you might get more ideas. Because how you react to failure is just a matter of perspective. Yes. So you can't let failure stop you from chasing your dreams. 

[00:16:30] Shannon: So that's all really well and good to say. And I think a lot of people probably understand this intrinsically, but when it comes to actually dealing with failure, that's a different story.

[00:16:42] Shannon: So how do we get over The fear of 

[00:16:46] Sandy: failure. Well, first you got to accept that failure is a normal part of anything new that you're trying for the first time. And it can be a good thing because it'll help you explore new ideas. And then ask yourself, what am I really afraid [00:17:00] of? If it's something you can survive, then don't let it stop you.

[00:17:03] Sandy: If it's not going to kill you, it'll make you stronger. So identify your fears and thought patterns and the limiting beliefs, the voices in your head. That are telling you, Oh, you can't do that. You're going to look stupid. It's not going to work anyway. Nobody wants it. It's like when we started this podcast, I wondered, does anybody care?

[00:17:21] Sandy: Does anybody want this? Fortunately, it turned out people do want it, but we went ahead and did it because we thought it was important. And that maybe it would speak to somebody and maybe it wouldn't, but doing it wasn't about being hugely successful. It was about helping the people that wanted it. And I also 

[00:17:39] Shannon: think it was important for you personally, because this is a big fear or was a big fear 

[00:17:45] Sandy: of yours.

[00:17:46] Sandy: Yes. The whole public speaking and talking into a microphone and all that is just new. Well, it's not new anymore. We've been doing this two years, but it was new and we just. Grinden went forward and said, we can do this and we did it and it was [00:18:00] great. And we didn't let our limiting beliefs stop us. 

[00:18:03] Shannon: Did you ask yourself, what's the worst that can happen?

[00:18:05] Sandy: Yeah. And that's a good thing to do when you're trying something new. And the worst that can happen is that nobody wants to listen to it. And we'll survive that. That's all right. If it's survivable, you just go for it. I think it's also 

[00:18:17] Shannon: important to ask yourself if you want to deal with what will happen if you don't try it.

[00:18:21] Shannon: I know there have been times in my life when I've thought about doing something and then I just haven't because it was scary. And then that made me feel even worse. Like I let myself 

[00:18:31] Sandy: down. Regrets. Oh my gosh. Regrets are awful. You don't want any regrets. And if you don't try, you will have regrets. I'm sorry you had that.

[00:18:40] Sandy: It's a good lesson. Be gentle with yourself. 

[00:18:42] Shannon: Yes. Sometimes those feelings are just like I wasn't ever supposed to actually do that thing, but I was supposed to learn what it feels like to not do something that was important to me. So now I won't do that 

[00:18:53] Sandy: again. And that's a great lesson. See, you learned.

[00:18:56] Sandy: So it wasn't a failure. If you learn anything, it's not a [00:19:00] failure. And you have to be willing to be flexible and shift course. If one thing isn't working, you got to be willing to just find a new way. Just, Like all those people on the Food that Built America, Machines that Built America, they just kept on keeping on, you know?

[00:19:15] Sandy: Shift your perspectives and also understand that you don't know everything, so you might need to do some research or talk to some people, and feel the fear and do it anyway. 

[00:19:25] Shannon: Definition of courage, being afraid and 

[00:19:27] Sandy: doing it anyway. Yep, so the next time you fail, congratulate yourself for trying, be gentle with yourself, learn the lessons, change your perspective, and find new ways to move ahead.

[00:19:40] Sandy: Yep, 

[00:19:40] Shannon: be proud. Every time you fail, be proud, because you did 

[00:19:44] Sandy: something. Absolutely, and you have no need for regret, just pride. You can hold your head high, claim that personal power. And know that you are an awesome person and then 

[00:19:55] Shannon: tell us about it because we love hearing from you when you tell us your [00:20:00] stories about self esteem and personal power and how they've affected your life.

[00:20:03] Shannon: And we also love it when you suggest topics that you'd like us to address in future episodes. So please keep doing that. And also, if you feel like doing so, please review our podcast. You can do that wherever you stream or visit your personal power pod dot com. Click contact and just drop us an email to talk to us directly.

[00:20:20] Shannon: And if you want to learn how coaching can change your life, contact Sandy, and you can reach her at sandy at insidejobscoach. com. We look forward to hearing from you until next time, find your power and change your life.[00:21:00]