Do You Avoid Difficult Conversations?

n every relationship, whether with friends, work colleagues, partners or family members, there will come a time when you disagree about something.  If you want to preserve the relationship you will need to have a conversation about it, even if that could be uncomfortable.  In today’s episode of Your Personal Power Pod, we look at how to have those difficult conversations.


We want to hear from you, whether it’s your stories about how self-esteem and personal power affect your life, or topics you’d like us to address in future episodes. We’d love for you to review our podcast. Do this on your streaming service or visit www.yourpersonalpowerpod.com , click Contact and drop us an email. You can also find us on Instagram at Your Personal Power Pod.

Also, if you’d like to make changes in your personal or business life, spending time with a coach can make all the difference.  Sandy is offering a free consultation, so contact her at sandy@insidejobscoach.com and put COACHING in the subject line to schedule a free call.

Thank you for listening to Your Personal Power Pod.  We look forward to hearing from you.

And, until next time, find your power and change your life!

Transcript

E 84 do you avoid difficult conversations

[00:00:00] Shannon: Welcome to your personal power pod, a podcast about aligning yourself with the life you want. And here are your hosts, Sandy Abel and Shannon Young.

[00:00:21] Sandy: Another beautiful day in the neighborhood. Hey Sandy, what's going on today? Well, we're doing a really interesting topic today. It's not a fun one, but it's a really, really important one. So, I'm glad we're going to do this. Yes, this was a 

[00:00:35] Shannon: listener requested topic today. We're talking about difficult conversations and whether you avoid them because they 

[00:00:42] Sandy: are difficult.

[00:00:43] Sandy: Right, because in every relationship, whether with friends or work colleagues or partners or family members, there will come a time when you disagree about something if your relationship is at all close. If you want to preserve the relationship, you need to have a [00:01:00] conversation about whatever has come up, even if that could be uncomfortable.

[00:01:04] Sandy: So a lot of people tend to avoid those conversations. 

[00:01:08] Shannon: Yes, and it isn't even necessarily about disagreeing about something. It may just be that there's something that's bothering you that the other person is unaware of that you can't continue to grow and evolve and feel safe or happy in the relationship until 

[00:01:24] Sandy: you address it.

[00:01:25] Sandy: You can't just chug along thinking or acting like everything is fine when something is really bothering you because It changes the whole dynamic. It's very subtle, but you feel different about the other person, and they sense that and want to know what's going on. It's just important to have the discussion about whatever the uncomfortable topic is.

[00:01:48] Sandy: Mm hmm. And 

[00:01:49] Shannon: it's important if you are interested in being authentic, which we talked about as one of the values that you and I share. Yes. That you[00:02:00] 

[00:02:02] Shannon: So, if you are feeling something different from the way you're acting in a relationship, that can really affect 

[00:02:09] Sandy: trust. Oh, absolutely. The purpose of these kinds of conversations is To build mutual understanding and share your perspective, not try to convince somebody to go with that. Just share where you're coming from and develop respect.

[00:02:23] Sandy: And like you said, trust, trust is so important. It's not about persuading the other person you're right and they're wrong. It's just about sharing. 

[00:02:32] Shannon: Which also means that even though I feel like we're coming at this conversation as if we or the listener are the person instigating the conversation, there will be times when people in your life will come to you and start those conversations and you need to know how to be an active listener.

[00:02:47] Shannon: So if you want to learn about listening, we do have a podcast about that, and you can go find that online or on our website or wherever you stream. It does take two people. The first person to do it.[00:03:00] 

[00:03:02] Shannon: But from there, it's really up to both people. Both people have a 

[00:03:05] Sandy: responsibility. Exactly. And both people have to want to have this conversation. And if you value your relationship enough, you will be willing to be uncomfortable and have the conversation. But sometimes they can become tense or emotional or challenging in a variety of ways.

[00:03:23] Sandy: Both people have to be willing to stay as calm as possible and not get wounded or upset, just listen and hear, like Shannon said. Active listening is so important, and when you actively listen, you hear what the other person is saying. And then feed that back to them in different words so that they know you understood what they said.

[00:03:46] Sandy: It's not waiting for your turn to jump in and share your point of view. It's hearing where they're coming from and acknowledging that before you say anything about where you're coming from. Yes. So it's much more about listening than [00:04:00] arguing. 

[00:04:00] Shannon: Absolutely. Because the goal in an argument is to win. The goal in one of these conversations is to emotionally connect.

[00:04:08] Shannon: Keep your relationship flowing smoothly and maintain closeness. 

[00:04:12] Sandy: Absolutely. And you have to be able to do this if you want to have a long term functioning relationship. And like you said, an argument is when two people who disagree on one point throw their opinions at each other and try to convince the other to agree with their point of view.

[00:04:28] Sandy: And that is not what we're talking about because that is not constructive and it gets nowhere. That seems to be happening a lot these days around politics or other social concerns. People just want to convince you of their opinion that is right and convince you yours is wrong and change how you function.

[00:04:47] Sandy: That is not what we're talking about. We're talking about the importance of having conversations where you can actually build your relationship and build trust and build respect, not just try to [00:05:00] convince somebody that you're right and they're wrong. So have you had to have any of these chance? 

[00:05:04] Shannon: Oh, no, never.

[00:05:08] Sandy: Yeah, right. 

[00:05:11] Shannon: Always. 

[00:05:12] Sandy: Anything you want to share? 

[00:05:15] Shannon: Well, yes, my husband and I, we approach money very differently and I was feeling like we needed to talk more about money, but money is a very emotionally charged subject for some people. I kept trying to bring it up and he kept being resistant and finally I realized the conversation needs to start somewhere else.

[00:05:39] Shannon: It can't start with, Hey, let's talk about money. It needs to start further back and about the role money played in our lives as kids and what it's connected to and how it makes us feel in our life and all that. And so at the beginning, it was a really hard conversation that. I intended to be just a difficult conversation, but really [00:06:00] became more of a conflict because we were starting in the wrong place.

[00:06:03] Shannon: And so it was about listening to him, which was really hard because I was feeling like the longer we went without talking about it, the more we were missing out on opportunities to maximize our money. Whereas he felt like the more we didn't talk about the money, the more he stayed in control of a part of his life that can feel out of control, which I was feeling too, but just in a different way.

[00:06:27] Shannon: So it was less about him hearing me at the beginning than it was about me hearing him, even though I was the one starting the conversation. So that was really hard and we eventually just had to break it down into tiny bite sized 

[00:06:39] Sandy: pieces. Boy, that's very wise of you to be able to look at the overall struggle and see what was working and what wasn't working and how to approach it.

[00:06:48] Sandy: That was perfect because now you guys can discuss this without anybody getting upset or feeling attacked or worried. It's just another conversation. Yes. Brilliant. [00:07:00] Nice job, Shan. Oh, thanks. 

[00:07:02] Shannon: It took a while. What conflicts have you had to address? 

[00:07:06] Sandy: Money hasn't been one of them with my husband and me, because when we got married, neither of us had any.

[00:07:12] Sandy: And so we just pooled everything that we did have and moved ahead together. So that's always been great. But my difficult conversations are more with friends or former friends, people that we had a great relationship with, and then something changed and I didn't understand why or what, but they suddenly decided that we didn't need to be friends anymore.

[00:07:36] Sandy: I need to understand that. I wasn't trying to persuade them, hey, come back and be my friend, I just wanted to understand what went wrong and is there something I did that I need to make sure I don't do with somebody else next time. So those were really difficult, but most people are willing to have that conversation even though it's uncomfortable and you can learn a lot from that.[00:08:00] 

[00:08:00] Sandy: It can help 

[00:08:01] Shannon: provide closure. 

[00:08:02] Sandy: Yes, and with a couple of them, it helped clear up the air or the misunderstanding, so we could go back to being friends, which was great. So I have a quote, because I like quotes. It says, sometimes the most important conversations in life are the most difficult to engage in.

[00:08:19] Sandy: And that's Jean Phillips who said that. That is one smart woman, because that's what we're talking about. Important conversations can be very difficult, but they are incredibly important. I think we 

[00:08:30] Shannon: tend to group difficult conversations in with confrontation. Once you put that word in the mix, it gets really scary.

[00:08:39] Shannon: And I don't think they're the same thing, but I think we tend to think that they are. that if you want to talk to somebody about something hard, it's about confronting them. And that's not necessarily the case. 

[00:08:50] Sandy: No, absolutely. That's a great distinction because it's about opening a dialogue with the goal being resolution, solving whatever's going on so [00:09:00] you can get past it.

[00:09:01] Sandy: And confrontation is an argument and it's where you just attack somebody verbally or sometimes physically about whatever the issue is. And that is not what we're talking about today because there is no reason for confrontation at all, ever. We're just talking about those difficult conversations that come along in every relationship.

[00:09:22] Sandy: And 

[00:09:23] Shannon: they're great opportunities. 

[00:09:24] Sandy: Oh, yes. When you have this kind of conversation, it helps you gain a deeper understanding of what the other person is thinking and feeling. Maybe something you never even thought about, so it's helpful to clear up misunderstandings and resolve issues that just won't go away on their own, like your money situation that was not going to leave until you had the conversation, and when you did, it helps strengthens your relationship.

[00:09:47] Sandy: and deepens trust and makes everything more stable. And 

[00:09:52] Shannon: reduced a lot of stress and relieved a lot of worry. And it also created with some new opportunities to work together [00:10:00] as a team, so could help us generate some new ideas about approaching money, which was 

[00:10:05] Sandy: great. Absolutely. What you did was you learned from each other and were collaborating to achieve a common goal rather than having somebody win and somebody lose.

[00:10:15] Sandy: Yes. And it's also an opportunity for self development and just improving your communication skills. Learning how to actively listen is so vitally important to any relationship, be it romantic or family or friends or work. Active listening makes all the difference. 

[00:10:34] Shannon: And also knowing that you have the ability to have these difficult conversations.

[00:10:40] Shannon: can be really good for your self esteem. These conversations won't always go the way you want them to go. It's entirely possible you could ask somebody to hear you and they won't for whatever reason. They don't want to, they're not capable. They don't think there's actually a problem. So it definitely takes some internal strength.

[00:10:56] Shannon: to bring up something challenging to talk about, but knowing that [00:11:00] you are okay doing that can be really good 

[00:11:02] Sandy: for you. Absolutely. Well, you're claiming your personal power. You're saying this is really important to me, so I'm going to do what I can to work it out. And if the other person doesn't want to, that is their call.

[00:11:15] Sandy: But you have done what you can to salvage the relationship and help it move ahead on a happier plane. And when you express yourself, it also helps you release your internal stress and improves your mental and physical health. If you're carrying around all that negativity about, oh dear, this isn't working, but you don't ever talk about it, that can really harm you physically and emotionally.

[00:11:36] Sandy: Having a difficult conversation is really vital to any relationship. But it takes 

[00:11:41] Shannon: some strength. It takes some internal metal. Margaret Whealy said, be brave enough to start a conversation that matters. 

[00:11:48] Sandy: She's right. You have to be brave and you have to do it in a very non confrontational way. First of all, both people have to want to have the conversation and have to want to resolve the issue, or respect [00:12:00] the relationship enough to be willing to go through the discussion.

[00:12:04] Sandy: Also, be willing to listen non judgmentally. Uh, you might both be feeling emotionally vulnerable, so you have to each be gentle with your approach. And 

[00:12:14] Shannon: timing is important. You might not necessarily want to bring something up at a dinner party. Maybe wait till you're at home to talk to your spouse. Or until the end of the workday to talk to your co worker.

[00:12:25] Sandy: Exactly. 

[00:12:26] Shannon: Make sure you're in a place that's conducive to listening to each 

[00:12:29] Sandy: other. Right. A safe place where you can be private and probably not have other people walk in on you so that you know you can have a discussion without worrying about other people intruding. 

[00:12:41] Shannon: I find that mindset helps a lot. If I'm angry about something and I'm approaching one of these conversations from a viewpoint of this person doesn't care or doesn't see this or doesn't think I'm valuable or that my opinion matters.

[00:12:56] Shannon: Then the way I approach the conversation is going to be a whole lot different than if [00:13:00] I were to think, this person wants to work with me. This is about getting closer and working through our differences and it will go fine. Both of those approaches will result in a very different 

[00:13:12] Sandy: conversation.

[00:13:12] Sandy: Absolutely. The first one is a confrontation where you just verbally attack somebody and they're going to instantly put up all the walls and you'll get absolutely nowhere. There is no way you can have a successful conversation with somebody when you're attacking. One of the things that people do when they have conversations like this, the wrong way, is to start their conversation with the word you.

[00:13:36] Sandy: You always woo right there. All the walls are up. Nobody will listen to you if you start with, you always, unless you follow it with, are fabulous. You want to say, you always are fabulous. That's great. Seldom are difficult conversations started that way. So the way to have a difficult conversation is to start with owning your feelings and your thoughts.

[00:13:58] Sandy: And it's not, I feel that [00:14:00] you, or I think that you, because there you are again attacking. Back to you always. I feel worried because I don't know what our financial situation is. It will be really helpful if we can share our thoughts about this. I'm talking about the conversation you might have had with your husband.

[00:14:17] Sandy: Right. Instead of saying, you always keep all the money to yourself and you never tell me what's going on with it. Whoa, okay, he's gone. He's not going to have this conversation at all. So, how you phrase things is really important. And start with, I feel or I think, and then own what you're saying. Don't lay it on the other person.

[00:14:38] Shannon: So, this has always confused me. I understand about the I statements and sharing your feelings. I feel this when, but sometimes the I feel this when is followed up by you do this. So it seems nearly impossible to keep the word you out of these conversations sometimes because they are attached maybe to somebody [00:15:00] else's behavior.

[00:15:00] Shannon: It feels very awkward to say like. I feel this when you come home at a time different when you told me you were going to. Right. How do you say that when it actually does have to do with what somebody else 

[00:15:13] Sandy: is doing? Well, you can talk around it. You can say, I feel worried when you don't come home at the time you said you would be because I'm not sure that you're okay.

[00:15:24] Sandy: So choosing the language is super important. Absolutely. And it takes time to think about it. It's a whole lot easier to say, I don't like it when you come home late. Well, yeah, but. That's not going to help have a conversation if you want to talk more about it. And then you can follow with, it would be really helpful if you're going to be late, just shoot me a text and let me know, then I won't worry about you.

[00:15:45] Sandy: Something like that. It takes some 

[00:15:47] Shannon: planning sometimes. You 

[00:15:48] Sandy: have to think it through. Begin from a place of curiosity and respect. And carefully choose your language, because you don't want to be confrontational. And you have to be clear about your [00:16:00] concerns and what you both want to accomplish. If you're talking about coming home late, you can say, and I'll make sure I do the same thing for you.

[00:16:07] Shannon: You've got to know what it is you're wanting the other person to get from the conversation. Because if you're like me, and you talk to process, sometimes getting to a place of clarity requires the conversation. And that is super confusing for the other person. So I find it really helpful to either write things out ahead of time or talk to you about them or somebody else before I actually go talk to the person who I'm having the issue 

[00:16:32] Sandy: with.

[00:16:32] Sandy: Right. Because otherwise it just gets really muddy. That's how you process and that's how you get clear. It's great that you know that. I think each of us needs to look at who we are and how we function and how we process things before we have conversations like this. Figure out the best way to do it and what you'd like to get from the conversation.

[00:16:53] Sandy: Listen to understand and be open to compromise. Focus on what you're hearing from the other person. [00:17:00] Not what you're saying. Listen to them and be direct and get to the point. And, if 

[00:17:05] Shannon: you can, look at it from their perspective as well. It may look completely different from 

[00:17:11] Sandy: where they're standing. Definitely.

[00:17:13] Sandy: Well, like what you said about your husband and you with money. Way back in the day, when you both learned about money, and you were really young, his experience was probably very different from yours, and he grew up with a different approach. It's important to understand where he's coming from, and that he's not out to get you with this behavior.

[00:17:35] Sandy: This is part of who he is, who his inner child is, who learned about money long ago. So you have to actively listen to their thoughts and feelings, and then discuss it unemotionally. 

[00:17:46] Shannon: And ultimately, if you can't come to a resolution, you just have to be okay agreeing to disagree. As long as you've both been heard, you can respect where the other person is coming from, and just say, you know what, you [00:18:00] come from a place that's entirely different from where I come from, and that's okay.

[00:18:03] Sandy: And hopefully we can still move ahead and have a great relationship, because that's the bottom line. That's the purpose of having these relationships, is to build trust and respect and Be able to strengthen what you have, not tear it down. So at the end of the conversation, you just summarize what you've both heard from the other person.

[00:18:23] Sandy: And if you guys have created an action plan, confirm what that is. I don't know what you did with your money discussion, but you may have created an action plan of like, okay, as we move forward, this is how we'll handle money. And then express your appreciation and support for the other person. Thank you.

[00:18:40] Sandy: I know this was difficult. I didn't like it a lot either, but I think we're going to move forward stronger together because we had this talk. So just expect a positive outcome. It's not easy or fun, but it's necessary if you want to make a relationship to be strong. That's what marriages do, long term marriages.

[00:18:59] Sandy: [00:19:00] You talk to anybody who's been married more than two years, they've had these kinds of conversations and they've learned how to do it in a way that respects both people and doesn't hurt or damage their relationship in any way. It actually makes it stronger because they learned to trust and respect each other.

[00:19:17] Sandy: All our listeners, please look at your relationships, take a deep breath, if something's wrong, have these conversations because it will make it better. And 

[00:19:27] Shannon: ignoring these issues can tank your relationship so quickly? 

[00:19:31] Sandy: Absolutely. You talk to people who have gotten divorced or who've gotten fired from jobs or whose friendships have fallen apart.

[00:19:39] Sandy: A lot of them will tell you it's because they just couldn't agree to disagree and move ahead. Or even find a way to 

[00:19:45] Shannon: bring the subject up. It can be really easy if something is minor to just kind of stuff it and say, I can live with this. It's not a big deal. I would rather just suck it up than create riffs in the relationship.[00:20:00] 

[00:20:00] Shannon: It doesn't take very many of those before your relationship just unravels. If you can't talk about things that matter to you that are bothering you or need fixing or just need acknowledging, then you become less engaged and your relationship 

[00:20:15] Sandy: withers. Good word. That's what happens when you can't be honest and have these kinds of respectful discussions.

[00:20:22] Sandy: The relationship will just fade away. And that's really hard. You can do this folks. It's just not fun, but you'll be glad you did. Would you like to wrap us up? Okay, there comes a time in all relationships when people disagree, and it's time to have a difficult conversation. If you avoid it because it's uncomfortable, the issue will just fester and grow, so it's important to take a deep breath and talk about it.

[00:20:46] Sandy: This kind of conversation is not an argument, because in an argument you're trying to convince each other to believe as you do. A difficult conversation is when two people disagree but want to eventually collaborate and work things out. [00:21:00] In order to do this, you both have to want to solve the issue and be willing to share your thoughts and feelings, actively listen without being confrontational or judging, and together find a positive way to move forward.

[00:21:12] Sandy: In order to do this, you have to find a safe place where you won't be interrupted to have this conversation, and then be direct, get to the point, own your feelings, and look at the issue from the other person's perspective. Listen to hear and understand. not to judge and argue. And then clarify what you're hearing.

[00:21:29] Sandy: That's called active listening. There are many positives to having a difficult conversation, including clearing up misunderstandings, learning new things, strengthening relationships and trust, and releasing stress and anxiety. So take a deep breath, claim your personal power, and make it happen. Thank you, Sandy.

[00:21:48] Sandy: Thank you, Shannon, and many thanks to our listeners. We really appreciate you taking this podcast journey with us. 

[00:21:54] Shannon: We do, and we love it when you suggest topics like the one today, which was a really good one. And I'm super impressed [00:22:00] that you wanted to find out more about how to address difficult situations and difficult conversations.

[00:22:05] Shannon: So tell us when you have more topics you would like us to talk about. Also, please continue to share your stories about how self esteem and personal power affect your life. And if you Feel like doing so we always love it. If you would review our podcast, and you can do that wherever you stream or you can just visit our website, your personal power pod.com, click contact and drop us an email.

[00:22:24] Shannon: Also, you can find us on Instagram at your personal power pod if that works easier for you. And if you'd like to learn how coaching can change your life, contact Sandy at sandy@insidejobscoach.com. Thank you so much for listening to us. We look forward to hearing from you. And until next time, find your power and change your life.