Do You Judge or Empathize?

Are you one of those folks who looks at people, and even if they are very different from you, accepts and allows them to be who they are, realizing that everyone has their own story and life to deal with? Or do you look at others, notice how they are different from you, and then negatively judge them for those differences?  The first kind of people are empathetic, and the second kind are judgmental.  In today’s episode of Your Personal Power Pod, we talk about the difference between judging and emphasizing, and how what you choose to do will influence your life.


We want to hear from you, whether it’s your stories about how self-esteem and personal power affect your life, or topics you’d like us to address in future episodes. We’d love for you to review our podcast. Do this on your streaming service or visit www.yourpersonalpowerpod.com , click Contact and drop us an email. You can also find us on Instagram at Your Personal Power Pod.

Also, if you’d like to make changes in your personal or business life, spending time with a coach can make all the difference.  Sandy is offering a free consultation, so contact her at sandy@insidejobscoach.com and put COACHING in the subject line to schedule a free call.

Thank you for listening to Your Personal Power Pod.  We look forward to hearing from you.

And, until next time, find your power and change your life!

Transcript

E83 Do You Judge or Empathize
[00:00:00] Shannon: Welcome to your personal power pod, a podcast about aligning yourself with the life you want. And here are your hosts, Sandy Abel and Shannon Young.
[00:00:20] Sandy: Hey Shannon. 
[00:00:21] Sandy: Hey Sandy. What's happening in your world today? 
[00:00:24] Shannon: You know what? You know what? It's a beautiful morning. I'm so thrilled today that we don't have smoke. It's been a couple of days of thunderstormy activity here in Southern Oregon, and this time of year that always means wildfires, which is really scary in this part of the world.
[00:00:41] Shannon: Yes. Yes, 
[00:00:41] Sandy: it is. 
[00:00:42] Shannon: We actually have some blue sky today and very little smoke and it's not supposed to be 110. So I am loving this day. How about you? What's good 
[00:00:51] Sandy: in your world? Me too. Exactly. That is perfect. And I'm excited that we're recording a podcast again. It's so fun. Our listeners [00:01:00] continue to listen and appreciate what we do.
[00:01:02] Sandy: So as long as you folks do that, we will continue to do this. I think 
[00:01:07] Shannon: all of our topics are pretty pertinent, and I think they resonate with different people at different times in their lives, but today I think we all can relate to why our topic of being judgmental, what is the top, the title that you gave today's episode?
[00:01:21] Sandy: Do you judge or empathize? Ah, that's good. When you judge somebody or something, it means that you form an opinion about them. Obviously, there are times where it's really important to judge. If you're walking down a dark street at night and you see somebody lurking in the shadows, they may or may not be a threat to you, but it wouldn't hurt to make a judgment that maybe I'll just move across to the other side of the street.
[00:01:49] Sandy: We judge whether something is safe for us to do or not. We have opinions about all kinds of things and sometimes it's really important to do that. [00:02:00] But other times, especially nowadays, it just seems like people are very judgmental about folks that they don't even know for the color of their skin or their gender or what they do for a living or their political beliefs or their religious beliefs.
[00:02:16] Sandy: It's really wearing me out and making me sad, so I thought maybe we could just talk about that today. It is 
[00:02:23] Shannon: exhausting. It's exhausting to be judgmental, and it's exhausting to be around people who are judgmental. And it's, I think, a really easy trap to fall into. I've noticed my husband and I, we talk a lot when we watch TV.
[00:02:37] Shannon: We make jokes. He is very clever and I try to keep up. And frequently that means playing off whatever's on the tube at the time. It can skew very judgmental. And I've noticed recently that I've kind of started going down that path without meaning to. I'm one of these people who realizes that I didn't pick any of the characteristics that I came into this world with.
[00:02:59] Shannon: I didn't [00:03:00] choose to be female. I didn't choose to be white. I didn't choose to be slightly chubby. I mean, I guess daily I'm choosing that, but thank you. There are a whole lot of things about my person that I didn't get the option to choose before I was born. And that is the case for all of us. I don't want to be in that mindset of making snap judgments about people, but I'm kind of going that way just because of the repartee we're having when we're looking at what's on TV.
[00:03:27] Shannon: So I'm trying to sort of make a concerted effort to change the way I'm responding to those conversations so that I don't carry that into 
[00:03:36] Sandy: the rest of my life. Wonderful. It's great that you recognize that and I'm sure you don't carry it into the rest of your life when you and your husband are sitting there joking around.
[00:03:45] Sandy: That's one thing. When you're out in the world, I know you don't judge people because I see you be friendly and nice and respectful. Respect is a huge part of not judging. I see you be respectful to people [00:04:00] all the time. So, and you don't care what their clothes look like, or what color their skin is, or what their gender is, or any of that stuff.
[00:04:08] Sandy: You look at how they're behaving, and then make a determination whether you should be around that or not. But you're not being judgmental of the 
[00:04:19] Shannon: person. And I attribute that hugely to the household I grew up in. You and dad are not judgmental people. And so we were raised seeing the person, not seeing the package.
[00:04:31] Sandy: Oh, well, that's good. And we didn't indoctrinate you to believe that one group is better or worse than the other, or people who are a certain religion are good or bad. We just... wanted you to be able to make your own decisions about people in life. Unfortunately, a lot of people were not raised in that kind of environment.
[00:04:51] Sandy: They were raised where they were told, we go to this church and anybody who doesn't go to this church doesn't understand what's going on and is a bad person. [00:05:00] Or we vote this way and the people that vote the other way are not good people. And hopefully by the time you become an adult, you can start looking at that.
[00:05:10] Sandy: and realize that everybody has a right to do those things the way they want to, and they're not good or bad about it, they're just doing what works for them. Yeah. But a lot of people haven't figured out that they have the right to make that shift. Once you start 
[00:05:23] Shannon: paying attention to the effects of being around judgy people or being judgy yourself, you start to realize just how negatively it affects your life.
[00:05:35] Shannon: When you are judging people or forming harsh, maybe unwarranted opinions about people, you're doing more damage to yourself than you are to that person. By 
[00:05:44] Sandy: far. Absolutely. It can have a significant impact on your psychological health and physical and mental health. It's negativity and negativity increases your levels of stress and anxiety and depression and really drags you down the rabbit hole.
[00:05:59] Sandy: It's [00:06:00] not a happy place to be. 
[00:06:01] Shannon: Yeah. And it's isolating. More you say that person doesn't live up to whatever I think is right. That person doesn't live up to whatever I think is right. You're just cutting yourself off from other people. I saw a meme the other day, a clip from the TV show, Ted Lasso, where Ted is talking about how he's been bullied his whole life and judged negatively because he was a certain kind of person, which is sweet and compassionate.
[00:06:26] Shannon: And he said it finally occurred to him that people were being judgmental instead of being curious and that you get to choose. And if you want to be curious about people, your life will open up. But if you want to be judgmental, your life will close 
[00:06:43] Sandy: down. Absolutely. Go Ted. And he's absolutely right. You put boundaries and walls all around yourself.
[00:06:51] Sandy: You can't see beyond those. And then you live in a negative little box. Judging people when you don't even know who they are, just based [00:07:00] on their appearance or beliefs. Denies you the opportunity to learn and grow and understand diversity and appreciate 
[00:07:07] Shannon: it. And you also can create misunderstandings within the relationships that you already have because you're telling people that you're quick to shut down somebody else without knowing what's actually going on with them.
[00:07:19] Shannon: And that can really create drama within the relationships you already have. 
[00:07:24] Sandy: Exactly. If you have a friend or somebody you think is a friend and suddenly you're voicing a political opinion that they disagree with and all of a sudden there's contention and you could lose friendships over that if they choose to judge you instead of saying, Oh, explain that to me.
[00:07:42] Sandy: Tell me why you believe that. And actually being interested without judgment. 
[00:07:46] Shannon: I lost a friend that way. Oh dear. We were having a religion discussion and she very passionately told me about her new religion. And this is somebody I've been friends with since fourth grade, fifth grade. And we [00:08:00] were probably mid twenties at this time.
[00:08:03] Shannon: And I listened to her touching story about why she was now involved in this new to her religion and how important it was to her and the role it was playing in her life. And then when we moved on with the conversation, I told her a little bit about how I believed and thought we were having a nice, open, respectful discussion and her response to me was, well, you can believe any way you want to, but you're wrong.
[00:08:27] Shannon: And that was such a kick in the teeth. Like I thought she was opening up to me and I opened up to her. So snarly. It's okay, you know, and she was doing what she felt was right. But. Our friendship has not recovered from that, because it told me she doesn't really care what's going 
[00:08:43] Sandy: on with me. Yeah, and she was probably trying to convert you to her religion, not just sharing what's going on with her, which is really unfortunate.
[00:08:52] Shannon: She just couldn't see that this thing was having a remarkable, beautiful effect on her [00:09:00] life, but it was having that effect on her life. 
[00:09:04] Sandy: Right. Not yours. 
[00:09:05] Shannon: The things that were affecting my life in a positive way were different, and that was not okay with her. Right. That conversation could have deepened our relationship if it had gone a different way, and it unfortunately ended.
[00:09:18] Shannon: Ended. And show me that she didn't really want to know me. She wanted to know the me that she could put in 
[00:09:24] Sandy: the box. Yeah. And that's really disappointing and disheartening because you think you have one relationship and then realize that it shifted and you don't. And that's because she was being very judgmental.
[00:09:35] Sandy: That's what happens when you judge people for their beliefs or for who they are. And a lot of times, at least she knows who you are. Did. Rejected. A lot of people judge folks just from the way they look without ever talking to them. When you base your judgment on gender or race or religion or politics or any of those things, it just [00:10:00] contributes to the existing divisions and discrimination in our society.
[00:10:04] Sandy: And it's really, really toxic and negative. It just perpetuates a cycle of hatred and intolerance. Yes. I have a great quote. Cause I love quote. Earl Nightingale said, when you judge others, you do not define them, you define yourself. And I think that's what your friend was doing. When she judged you because you didn't believe what she does, and it didn't impact her at all, that she was just showing who she is, not about who you are.
[00:10:32] Sandy: Other than she lost a friend. Well, there's that. Absolutely. But most of the time, it's not necessary to form a judgment at all. She didn't need to do that. It's so much better to just empathize. 
[00:10:45] Shannon: Some people have a need to 
[00:10:47] Sandy: be right. They're insecure enough that they can't acknowledge that somebody can think or act differently than they do and still be a really good, lovable, valuable person.[00:11:00] 
[00:11:00] Sandy: They all think, if you're not just like I am, then there's something wrong with you and I don't want you in my life. And that is judgmental and that is so sad and such a shame and really creates a lot of negativity in society. 
[00:11:13] Shannon: And I think it comes back to a lack of self esteem, honestly, because if you're secure in who you are and in your self worth just because of the fact that you're here and doing your best, then you're much more able to be able to say, look, I don't know everything.
[00:11:28] Shannon: I'm the first to say, I don't know everything and I'm doing what works for me right now, but who's to say that's right. Yeah, 
[00:11:35] Sandy: it's right for you 
[00:11:36] Shannon: right now. Right now. And to be able to say, you know what, I may be wrong about a lot of things, but I'm still a worthwhile person. That takes internal strength.
[00:11:46] Shannon: Absolutely. And if you don't have that, then you're hanging your self esteem on all these external things. And being right, I think, is 
[00:11:56] Sandy: part of that. Very wise and very true that a lot of [00:12:00] people need to be. Validated. They need to feel that everybody agrees with them because that's how they feel like they are smart or a good person or whatever they need to feel and that is not where your self esteem needs to come from.
[00:12:16] Sandy: That's not where your personal power comes from is controlling other people. It comes internally, and you knowing yourself, like you do, Shan, and believing in yourself, and knowing you can make the best decisions for you, and not expecting other people to validate that, you don't need that, but you sure don't need them to jump all over you and criticize it either.
[00:12:38] Sandy: What we'd really like is for people to be empathetic. Mm hmm. When you suspend judgment and become more tolerant and empathetic and compassionate, then you can have good conversations and accept people as they are. I 
[00:12:52] Shannon: didn't know that empathy had 
[00:12:54] Sandy: stages. First of all, empathy is the ability to understand and accept another person's thoughts and [00:13:00] feelings from their point of view rather than your own.
[00:13:03] Sandy: really hear them, actively listen, pay attention like you did with your friend. You asked her, she said, I have this belief and you said, Oh, tell me about it. And you listened nonjudgmentally. You were empathetic. You supported what she had to say. And when you do that, you are creating empathy between the two of you.
[00:13:24] Sandy: And when you're empathetic, there are three stages. There's the cognitive empathy, which is being aware of the emotional state of another person. There's emotional empathy, which is engaging with and supporting those emotions. And there's compassionate empathy, which involves taking action to support the other person.
[00:13:44] Sandy: And it is a trait for all of us to cultivate, if we want to create a better world. It 
[00:13:49] Shannon: can be helpful, if you're struggling with this, to think about how you would want somebody to treat and view you. If you're in a situation that you're struggling with and you're trying to [00:14:00] explain it to someone, what kind of reaction do you want to get from that person?
[00:14:04] Shannon: You want them to hear you, to try to put themselves in your shoes, to see where you're coming from. So all you have to do is reverse that. Do that for the other person. Look at where they are. Look at what they're saying and how they're feeling and try and imagine why they are in the situation they're in, why they're feeling the way they're feeling.
[00:14:22] Shannon: Exactly. 
[00:14:23] Sandy: You have to respect and recognize that we all come from our own place. And just because it's different or we don't understand where the other person comes from does not mean it's wrong or bad. It's just different. And a lot of people are afraid of different. That puts them out of their comfort zone.
[00:14:40] Sandy: We are all different, so being empathetic and wanting to learn about and support the other person's differences is the way to create harmony. 
[00:14:50] Shannon: I feel like we need to reiterate. This doesn't mean if you're being abused by somebody, try to empathize with where they're coming from and give them a pass.
[00:14:59] Shannon: [00:15:00] Definitely, if you're in harm's way or you're feeling threatened by someone, you don't need to put yourself in their shoes and try to figure out why they're coming from where they're coming from. Take care of yourself. Yes. But just in general, in approaching the world, I think these days we are surrounded by so much.
[00:15:16] Shannon: I mean, I kind of feel like the reason that it feels like there's so much more judgment in the world today is just because we are presented with infinitely more information in a single day than people were presented with in a year or maybe their whole life a hundred years ago. And in order to protect ourselves from All of that, I feel like we just closed doors faster than we used to because we're not adept at processing that much information 
[00:15:44] Sandy: that quickly.
[00:15:45] Sandy: Exactly. I agree. Back in the day when we didn't have all the internet and all the news medias and all those things, people pretty much stayed in their own neighborhoods or their own towns and they were with the people that were [00:16:00] like them. So they weren't exposed to lots of differences. And then as the whole media expanded, we learned more and more about each other and the world and other communities and other countries, and they're all very different from who we are, whoever we are, everything else is different, and I don't know if we know how to actually tell them the same story.
[00:16:23] Sandy: deal with and appreciate those differences if we're not comfortable with who we are to start with. 
[00:16:29] Shannon: Yes, if you have a strong self esteem and the ability to set and enforce good healthy boundaries, then you can approach the world with an open mind and open heart because you trust that you will always Take care of yourself while also learning about and appreciating other people.
[00:16:50] Shannon: If you don't have those two foundational things, then you can't approach the world with an open heart and open arms safely. So getting good [00:17:00] with yourself and figuring out good, healthy boundaries, we'll make it so that you can appreciate the fact that we have so much diversity and you can learn from and immerse yourself in the beauty that is difference.
[00:17:13] Shannon: But if you don't have those things, then you have to slam that door shut because it's 
[00:17:18] Sandy: dangerous for you. Yes, that's right. It puts you out of your comfort zone and then you just need to hide and that doesn't work and that doesn't help promote connectivity and support and understanding. And we need to remember that we're all human and connected in a deep way and just allow people to be who they are as long as they're not harming you or others.
[00:17:39] Sandy: That is an important caveat. If they are harming you or others, then you can judge them and you can take steps to protect yourself and the other people. But if they're just living their life and they look different than you are or they act different than you do, stop judging. And instead, foster appreciation and goodwill and support.
[00:17:59] Sandy: [00:18:00] Learn how to communicate and actively listen. Just talking to people and not sharing your opinion, just telling them that you want to know who they are and listening and giving full attention and encouraging them to share their thoughts and feelings. If you can do that, you will have a much happier life.
[00:18:18] Sandy: You will find the good and Your life will be better and you'll be better physically and mentally and emotionally. Lack of judgment makes a big difference. If you empathize and accept, it will change your life. I heard a, I 
[00:18:32] Shannon: think it was a comedian the other day, make a statement that really hit me since we were talking about this subject.
[00:18:38] Shannon: He used different words, but I will paraphrase. He said, if you run into a jerk in the morning, then you ran into a jerk in the morning. But if you run into jerks all day, you're the jerk. 
[00:18:51] Sandy: Ha ha ha, good point. You have to pay attention to how you're behaving and how you're treating people. Have you felt 
[00:18:57] Shannon: discriminated against?
[00:18:58] Sandy: I have [00:19:00] had people not agree with what I've said. And I think I've shared that I lost several friendships over that when I just shared an opinion about something at a dinner party. An informed opinion. Exactly, exactly. And I was just sharing my thoughts and what I'd learned through working with clients and such.
[00:19:18] Sandy: It went against what they were thinking, and what really bothered me is that they didn't say anything, but I realized later that that had ended several friendships, and they hadn't had the backbone to say, well, This is what we believe, and we're sorry we don't agree with what you're saying, but that's okay.
[00:19:40] Sandy: But they made it so that it destroyed the friendship, and that is unnecessary, but they were very, very judgmental for no reason. They didn't need to do that. I learned about who they are. I'm sorry about that. I'm probably better off without them. Well, it's like you with your friend, and I'm sure all of our listeners have had situations like that, where they [00:20:00] have shared an opinion, or somebody else has shared an opinion, and if you don't agree, you judge them, and it can destroy what you have.
[00:20:08] Sandy: And that's such a shame, because we all have the right to have our own thoughts and beliefs, as long as you do not use them to harm other people, or yourself. 
[00:20:17] Shannon: After you've been on the planet long enough, You start to realize things come and go. What worked for me 20 years ago doesn't necessarily work for me today.
[00:20:26] Shannon: And hopefully we all grow and evolve and question our beliefs and then move into new ones. And we have to be able to give each other the space to be who we need to be in the moment. Because it changes. We don't want to stay the same. That is not the point of being here. 
[00:20:46] Sandy: Although some people think it is.
[00:20:48] Sandy: They find their nice little comfort zone and just want to stay there. And that works for them. And I don't judge them for that. That's where they want to be. But I don't want them to judge me for what I'm doing either. It's such a heavy judgy,[00:21:00] 
[00:21:06] Shannon: Give yourself some grace and just decide to make a different choice and to try to see the world through different eyes because your world will get bigger and brighter and more beautiful and you'll benefit other people positively. All we want is to be seen, and heard, and validated, and loved. It's pretty simple when it 
[00:21:30] Sandy: comes right down to it.
[00:21:31] Sandy: That is exactly right. And hopefully we can all work at doing that with everybody. Okay, bring us home. When you judge something or someone, you form an opinion about it. And this opinion might come from facts, or it might come from former conditioning. What you were taught to believe, or what people you trust are telling you now.
[00:21:49] Sandy: That happens a lot in politics actually. When you judge, you can decide if something or someone is positive or negative. At times, it's smart to judge a situation or person to [00:22:00] determine if they could be a threat to you or others so you can take action to keep safe. However, if you're judging someone based solely on their race, gender, religion, appearance, or other beliefs, you miss the opportunity to learn who they really are.
[00:22:13] Sandy: As long as they're not a threat to you, there's no reason to negatively judge people. And when you do it, it can cause problems for both you and them. The ideal is to be empathetic, which means you try to understand and accept them as they are, with no judgment. One way to be empathetic is to communicate, and ask questions, and actively listen, instead of trying to share your thoughts and opinions.
[00:22:37] Sandy: Realize that we all have a right to be who we are, and have our own opinions, and just because others don't think or act like you do, does not mean you can't get along. When you're able to empathize, instead of judge, You will find you are healthier, happier, and your relationships will thrive. Thank 
[00:22:56] Shannon: you for always teaching my brother 
[00:22:58] Sandy: and me this.
[00:22:59] Sandy: You're welcome. [00:23:00] I learned it from my parents. We just let people be as long as they are not a threat to us or others and learn to respect them. And it's fascinating how you can learn so much about people. People are amazing, and fortunately, they're not all like we are. They're all different, and it's really fun to expand your horizons and find out who they are.
[00:23:22] Sandy: Hopefully, our listeners will be able to notice when you're judging, see if it's necessary, or if it's conditioned, or you learned it somewhere else, and what benefit is it bringing you. And if it's not, maybe you can empathize and be more open minded. Your world will benefit from it. Absolutely. So many thanks to our listeners for taking this podcast journey with us.
[00:23:46] Sandy: It's always a pleasure to connect with you and we would love to hear from you. Yes, 
[00:23:50] Shannon: we love your stories when you tell us about how self esteem and personal power affect your life and we also love it when you suggest... topics for future podcasts. We [00:24:00] definitely take those into consideration and usually wind up putting those into our rotation relatively quickly.
[00:24:05] Shannon: And if you would like to, we would love it. If you would review our podcast and you can do that wherever you stream, or if you'd rather just talk to us directly, you can email us at yourpersonalpowerpod. com. Just click contact and drop us an email. And if you want to learn about coaching and the positive effect that can have on your life, get in touch with Sandy at sandy at insidejobscoach.
[00:24:26] Shannon: com. We look forward to hearing from you as always. And until next time, find your power and change your life.