How Do You Cope?

What do you do when your plans fall apart, your relationships implode, or things just don’t work out the way you want them to? Do you lose it and fall apart, or find the good, take charge and move ahead?  How you choose to deal with the situation is the way you cope, and in today’s episode of Your Personal Power Pod we talk about the positive and negative ways to do this.


We want to hear from you, whether it’s your stories about how self-esteem and personal power affect your life, or topics you’d like us to address in future episodes. We’d love for you to review our podcast. Do this on your streaming service or visit www.yourpersonalpowerpod.com , click Contact and drop us an email. You can also find us on Instagram at Your Personal Power Pod.

Also, if you’d like to make changes in your personal or business life, spending time with a coach can make all the difference.  Sandy is offering a free consultation, so contact her at sandy@insidejobscoach.com and put COACHING in the subject line to schedule a free call.

Thank you for listening to Your Personal Power Pod.  We look forward to hearing from you.

And, until next time, find your power and change your life!

Transcript

E78 How Do You Cope_

[00:00:00] Shannon: Welcome to Your Personal Power Pod, a podcast about aligning yourself with the life you want. And here are your hosts, Sandy Abel and Shannon Young.

[00:00:20] Sandy: Shannon, another beautiful day. How are you? I'm well, Sandy. How are you? I am great. You have roofers today. We have roofers. Yes. Fortunately, they take a break when we are ready to record our podcast, so it all works out well. And it's wonderful to be able to get a new roof so that we will not burn up. Leak or burn up, right?

[00:00:42] Sandy: Yes. Well, we have a very old shake roof that is just wood, old, old wood. And we do live in a place that occasionally has fires. Every time we have a fire and there are sparks flying around in the air, I get really scared. Now we'll have a more fireproof roof. So I'm [00:01:00] very happy that we're able to do that.

[00:01:01] Sandy: That is a good thing. 

[00:01:02] Shannon: Excellent. And it kind of ties into today's episode, the stress of worrying about wildfires and the crazy fire we had a couple years ago that burned through two of our towns here and not wanting that to happen. You had to cope with 

[00:01:17] Sandy: that fear for a while. Exactly. And that's what we're talking about today, is how you cope.

[00:01:23] Sandy: We're looking at when your plans fall apart, or when something really worries you and you're stressed about it, or your relationships implode, or things just don't work out the way you want them to do. What do you do? How do you function? Do you fall apart? Or do you worry, worry, worry, which does absolutely no good?

[00:01:42] Sandy: Or do you make plans like we did and take care of the problem? Today we're talking about how you cope. How do you cope? Depends on the situation. Yes. My initial response to coping is denial. It's like, Oh, this is no big deal. I'll deal with it later.[00:02:00] 

[00:02:02] Sandy: And then I reevaluate quickly and go, Oh, wait a minute. Maybe I need to actually do something about this. Make a plan and move ahead. What about you? What do you do? How do you 

[00:02:11] Shannon: cope? I cry. It's pretty simple. Oh, crying's 

[00:02:14] Sandy: good. That works. I have 

[00:02:15] Shannon: found over the years that if I don't feel the emotion first, I can't move forward.

[00:02:22] Shannon: If I can cry when things get really stressful, then I get it out and then I can deal. It's super fun for my husband.

[00:02:34] Sandy: At least he understands, you know, it's your process and it's good that you know it and he knows it. 

[00:02:41] Shannon: I'm blessed to be married to a man who does not mind the crying unless he feels he's the one who made me cry and then it's a problem. That's how I cope. What does it actually mean to cope? 

[00:02:52] Sandy: Coping is the methods you choose to use to deal with stressful situations.

[00:02:57] Sandy: How you deal with and adjust or [00:03:00] cope with unexpected events, big changes or stressors. It's your emotional reaction, like you said. We even have to cope with positive when you get married or when you have a child. There's a lot of coping that needs to happen. There's a lot of changes and a lot of shifting and new behaviors that need to be learned.

[00:03:19] Sandy: Have you 

[00:03:19] Shannon: seen that video of the actress Kristen Bell? Kristen is obsessed with sloths. Her husband got her a sloth for her birthday. The handler brought the sloth. When he told her that there was a sloth coming, she has an utter meltdown. She's crying and laying on the bed. And she can't move and she's sobbing and he's saying, are you okay?

[00:03:44] Shannon: And she's like,

[00:03:48] Shannon: she can't function. She is so excited. I'm so happy that there's a sloth coming to her house that she doesn't know how to process it. She has no idea how to cope. [00:04:00] It's hilarious. If you haven't seen it, you need to watch it. Oh my goodness. You were talking about coping with positive emotions and it doesn't seem like a thing we should have to 

[00:04:08] Sandy: learn.

[00:04:09] Sandy: But we do. You do. Because at some point, she did need to get up off the bed and contain her excitement enough to go meet the sloth. Right. So, she had to be able to. Express her feelings, then do something with them, both positive and negative. That's what you do. Pull herself together. Yes, she had to pull herself together.

[00:04:31] Sandy: Usually, as with most things, we learn the coping skill from watching the people we grew up with, watching our parents. If they were calm and collected and when something big happened, they dealt with it and didn't get all emotional and dramatic, then you probably learned that that's the way you cope with things.

[00:04:51] Sandy: If they got all hysterical and screamed and yelled and ran around or like Kristen Bell did go on the bed and get excited, [00:05:00] then you might've learned that it's okay to just emote all over the place and that's what you're supposed to do when something happens. You learn to cope by, first of all, watching the people that you grow up with.

[00:05:11] Sandy: And also, your personality makes a difference. If you are a naturally emotional person, like obviously Kristen Bell is, like you are, your response to something that is challenging or exciting is to emote, whereas other people are able to be more contained and calm and collected and think it through rather than yelling and fighting or crying out of joy.

[00:05:37] Sandy: You learn by watching how other people cope and then figuring out who you are and what works for you, then combining whatever works so that you can function as an adult. Have 

[00:05:50] Shannon: you had times in your life where you've had to consciously decide how you're going to 

[00:05:57] Sandy: cope? Yes. Raising [00:06:00] children, you always have that.

[00:06:01] Sandy: I remember your brother used to have bicycle accidents a lot and he came home once with, you know, his chin was bleeding terribly and he needed stitches and he was screaming and hollering. When that kind of thing happens, I just calmed down and became the logical, rational one and dealt with the situation.

[00:06:18] Sandy: I think I've talked about the time that your dad and I were coming home on the freeway at night. The person in front of us hit a pedestrian. Somebody was crossing the freeway. I didn't cope with that at all. The pedestrian was dead in the middle of the road. The car that hit him pulled off to the side.

[00:06:32] Sandy: We pulled off. Your dad, who copes really well, got out and started flagging down traffic and got the flashlight and made sure nobody hit the body and called 911. I sat in the car and got hysterical. Because I didn't actually have to function, and I had zero coping skills for that. I didn't know what to do.

[00:06:53] Sandy: Wow. It depends on the situation. What about you? What do you do besides cry? Again, 

[00:06:58] Shannon: I think it's [00:07:00] dependent on the situation. When I was working in television news, and you show up to some kind of emergent situation, things are still happening, things are still changing rapidly. I'm really good at, getting focused.

[00:07:14] Shannon: Yes. And distilling information. Everything kind of becomes very clear and like there's a single point of light. I'm really good at organizing in that kind of situation and getting my emotions out of it. But if it's something in my life that is different. And I think I've really had to work over the years at distilling what's me and my personality, and how appropriate is it for me to feel everything I'm inclined to feel.

[00:07:47] Shannon: I know as my mom, you have been the unfortunate receptor of a lot of my emoting. And I don't know if you've noticed recently, but I think I'm working really hard at just [00:08:00] saying, yes, this is a thing that's happening. Yes, this sucks, and I'm going to deal with it, instead of crying, wallowing, and feeling everything.

[00:08:09] Shannon: Sometimes the feeling is not effective. 

[00:08:11] Sandy: Exactly. It doesn't accomplish anything except to let you decompress for a minute. But then, at some point, you have to do something. You can't continue to feel. Or you can, 

[00:08:24] Shannon: and then you can make yourself sick. 

[00:08:26] Sandy: Yes, that's true. You can just create stress and denial, work in the denial thing for a long time.

[00:08:33] Sandy: That is a coping skill because there are both positive and negative ways to cope. A lot of the negative ways are just worrying or problem avoidance or denial, like we were talking about, where you just ignore the problem and hope it'll go away. or getting overly dramatic and emotional and then just expecting others to handle the situation.

[00:08:52] Sandy: I know a woman who, when she's confronted with something that she isn't real thrilled with, she just curls up in a little ball, [00:09:00] whines and cries and says, Oh, I just want to die. And that is her way of just backing out and saying, I'm not dealing with this at all. So you have to take care of it. That is a very manipulative way of coping, actually.

[00:09:14] Shannon: Yeah, it's a good way to make people not want to help you. 

[00:09:17] Sandy: Yes. It doesn't accomplish a thing. I 

[00:09:19] Shannon: know people who just stay busy so that they don't have to pay attention to what's going on or deal with it. They just work, work, work, work, work, so there's no room in their thought process for them to... accept any other information other than what's right in 

[00:09:34] Sandy: front of them.

[00:09:35] Sandy: Yeah, it's a great way to just distract yourself and assume, well, hope that whatever the big issue or change or what's happening is will just go away or somebody else will deal with it because you're just way too busy. Or you can complain 

[00:09:48] Shannon: and blame other people and play the victim. And that is a really good way to relinquish all of your 

[00:09:55] Sandy: personal power.

[00:09:56] Sandy: Well, I guess you're coping in a really ineffective way, [00:10:00] but it is coping. It is a way to cope. And then you can procrastinate or just deny that there's a problem. A lot of people do that with something that It's not right in their face, but it's something that they have to deal with. They just put it off and put it off.

[00:10:14] Sandy: And like, Oh, it's not a biggie. We'll deal with it later. We'll deal with it later. And at some point it's going to catch up to them. Procrastination and denial are real common coping skills. 

[00:10:24] Shannon: I found in my own life. That there's a, I call it effective procrastination because sometimes there are things I need to deal with, but I'm not sure how to deal with them.

[00:10:36] Shannon: So it isn't going to do me a whole lot of good to sit and focus on it right now because I'm not going to get anywhere. It's going to be a waste of time and create frustration. So I kind of just move it to the side and then allow my subconscious to work on it and not doing what I should be doing. But there's still something trying to untangle the knot.

[00:10:56] Shannon: And then there comes a point where I feel a little breakthrough and I'm like, okay, I'm [00:11:00] ready to 

[00:11:00] Sandy: focus on that now. Yeah. Because you've come up with a solution on how to focus on it, which is great. I don't know if that's really procrastination. I think that's, you've created a plan and the plan is I'm going to get clear on this and it might take a while to get clear on this, but I'm working on it.

[00:11:15] Sandy: Perfect. And then you do that and at some point the solution comes up and you're ready to go. That's a great way to cope. That's a positive way. Thank you. Oh, you're welcome. Another thing that people do which is really unfortunate is self destructive kinds of behaviors. Yes. Substance abuse, gambling, excessive video gaming and screen time, eating disorders, overspending, sex addiction, or self harm or suicide even.

[00:11:43] Sandy: You know, there are so many things that people do just to not deal with whatever is happening in their lives. Those are really negative ways to cope. Not good coping skills at all. 

[00:11:54] Shannon: I don't think I've ever seen you engage in 

[00:11:56] Sandy: any of these. No, I don't. Your dad doesn't. And you don't, at least [00:12:00] that I know of.

[00:12:00] Sandy: I have. Well, I'm glad you're not 

[00:12:02] Shannon: now. Me too. When my husband and I first got married and I was trying to figure out how to fit into the step parent role because there was a whole dynamic happening that wasn't allowing it, that was. In my house, but as well as outside of my house, like the whole network just wasn't making space for me.

[00:12:21] Shannon: And it was so unbelievably stressful that being home was really hard. So I found that if I came home from work and had a drink, I didn't care as much, and so it didn't hurt as much. So there was a while there where I would come home and the first thing I would do was pour myself a drink. Just one, but every day I would have a drink before everybody else came home so that I wouldn't care.

[00:12:45] Sandy: Yeah, and that was a coping skill. 

[00:12:47] Shannon: Eventually, that became a problem because it affected my relationships, but it allowed me to see just how stressed out I was about this and how things weren't moving. But it was [00:13:00] definitely destructive. It was not a positive 

[00:13:02] Sandy: thing at all. The good thing is you recognized it and you didn't let it get out of control.

[00:13:07] Sandy: And it was not really self destructive. If you'd had six drinks every night, that could have been a serious problem. Yes. You were aware of your coping skill, and it was working for you at the time, and you kept it under control. So, good for you. The important thing is to know you always have the power. 

[00:13:27] Shannon: So what are the positive 

[00:13:28] Sandy: ways to cope?

[00:13:30] Sandy: Well, there are several different ways to cope. We've talked about some of them. If you want to do a problem focused strategy, which means you just directly address the situation. You say, this is what was going on, what can I do, or what goals do I need to set to take care of it? That's a great way to do it.

[00:13:47] Sandy: You just jump in and deal with it. There's the emotion focused strategies, which you do. And evidently Kristen Bell does, which means processing your feelings through communication and [00:14:00] emoting, dealing with people, talking with a friend or a therapist or that kind of thing. Some people spend time just trying to understand what's going on.

[00:14:10] Sandy: They're looking for the existential meaning in it all. Why is this happening? What does the universe think I need to get from this? A lot of people spend time just focusing on the greater understanding about what's going on, which can be helpful, but doesn't really solve whatever's happening. 

[00:14:28] Shannon: It can be hugely instrumental in allowing what is.

[00:14:34] Shannon: Because I know sometimes when things get really stressful, you just want them to stop being stressful. But if you can get to a place where you're like, Oh, I see, then you can kind of let things play out and you're not attached 

[00:14:47] Sandy: to them changing. Yeah. That's why this is happening. Yeah. And a lot of times if you just work with it, you'll realize that whatever happened that seemed like a big traumatic thing is really for the [00:15:00] best.

[00:15:01] Sandy: I was talking to a woman the other day whose 16 year old dog, who was kind of infirm anyway, jumped off the couch and basically paralyzed himself, and they had to put him down, and it was really hard, but she said he was kind of suffering anyway, and we considered. Maybe it was time, but he took care of that for us.

[00:15:19] Sandy: He let us know that he was done, that he was tired of hurting and he jumped off the couch and couldn't move at all. And they couldn't fix it. She was looking for the bigger reason, but it was a positive because the dog is no longer suffering. And after they helped him leave, they got some really good news.

[00:15:38] Sandy: about their future life. They coped by responding to what their pet needed, then being aware of the bigger overall picture, which is positive. It's just interesting how it all comes 

[00:15:51] Shannon: together. And that's where Prayer and meditation and sometimes religion come into play. We're believing [00:16:00] in a greater plan and finding the connections between events and things and 

[00:16:05] Sandy: people.

[00:16:06] Sandy: Right. And that's a big help for a lot of people and definitely a way a lot of people choose to cope. 

[00:16:11] Shannon: And you can do what I do, which is call your mother. 

[00:16:15] Sandy: I'm so glad you do that. Yeah, I'm sure you are. But yes, call a trusted friend or find a therapist that you really like, talk to your minister, sometimes just sharing what's going on with somebody else and getting a different perspective and different feedback can be really helpful and that's a great coping skill.

[00:16:35] Shannon: Sometimes you just need to hear somebody say it's going to be okay. I'm here, I'll help you, we'll take it one step at a time. It's 

[00:16:43] Sandy: going to be okay. Yes, exactly. And sometimes just verbalizing what's going on helps you to process it, like you were saying you need to process. And there are a lot of other ways to cope in a positive way too.

[00:16:54] Sandy: Lower your expectations and be realistic about what you can and cannot do. Of course, maintain [00:17:00] emotionally supportive relationships and ask others to help or assist you if you can. Absolutely. 

[00:17:05] Shannon: And take responsibility for the way you choose with the situation. You can make it a whole lot worse if you 

[00:17:11] Sandy: want to.

[00:17:12] Sandy: Yeah. Sometimes ignoring it will make it worse. It will just compound the problem. It's like our roof. You know, if we'd ignored it and there was a wildfire, we could have big problems. So we deal with it. Engage in problem solving. And sometimes you got to challenge your previously held beliefs that might no longer fit.

[00:17:28] Sandy: With what's going on in your current situation, look at how you're choosing to deal with the situation to see if it's helping or hurting, are you making it worse by doing what you're doing or by ignoring, analyze what's going on here. 

[00:17:43] Shannon: Sometimes just distancing yourself. from the stress for a little bit can help.

[00:17:48] Shannon: I like to go kayak and go sit in the middle of a lake because if I can put myself back in that place mentally, it reminds me that there's a whole lot more out there than this one thing [00:18:00] that seems to be overwhelming. 

[00:18:01] Sandy: Yes, it's the way you can discover your peace of mind again and be ready to go when you're back on shore, deal with whatever's out there.

[00:18:09] Sandy: And it also helps to get as much sleep as you can and eat well and exercise and all those things that help so many different situations. Just taking care of yourself, get periods of rest. and take a vacation if you can, get away from it 

[00:18:23] Shannon: all. It seems to me like a lot of this particular list is basically take care of the things in your life and they'll take care of you in times of stress.

[00:18:35] Shannon: Take care of your body, take care of your relationship, take care of your 

[00:18:38] Sandy: mind. And it's about self care. If you are gentle with yourself, I always tell people, please be gentle with Don't beat yourself a break.

[00:18:49] Sandy: Be there for yourself. Treat yourself well. It makes everything much easier. Coping is often a process, not just a one time event. You could alternate [00:19:00] between several of these coping strategies we've talked about in order to deal with one big change. How you cope will affect how you live your life. 

[00:19:09] Shannon: You're right, because it's all about how you choose to see whatever it is that's 

[00:19:13] Sandy: stressing you out.

[00:19:14] Sandy: Exactly. And if you choose to be a victim to it or to take charge and claim your personal power and deal with it, we all, all our listeners, everybody has the option of claiming your power and dealing with whatever comes along. Yes, you've 

[00:19:29] Shannon: always said that. You may think you have no options or no choices, but you always have the choice in how you 

[00:19:38] Sandy: respond to something.

[00:19:39] Sandy: Always do. You may not have the power to change it or improve it or fix it, but you are always in charge of you and you always have the power to choose how you want to cope and respond. Thank you for teaching us that. I think life taught me that. And I'm glad that it means something to [00:20:00] you, because that will make your life easier.

[00:20:02] Shannon: Yeah, you guys were great. Life wasn't easy when we were kids. Things were hard sometimes, but you didn't let that affect everybody's life. You're like, yeah. Things are maybe not ideal, but we're going to be fine. You guys are always fine because we have your back and we'll get through it. There was never a question.

[00:20:21] Shannon: In your mind, there might have been, but you never let that on to Brian 

[00:20:26] Sandy: and me. No, no, no. We were always there for you guys and we knew you were always there with us. And if the four of us stuck together, we could do anything. Yeah. I still believe that. Me too. Wrap us up. So, when you're confronted with a big change or things don't go the way you want them to, you'll need to cope in some way.

[00:20:43] Sandy: There are both positive and negative ways to cope with stressful life situations. You might have learned your coping skills when you were young from your parents, your family, or your friends. And you might also cope in ways that express your personality. There are both positive and negative ways to cope with life [00:21:00] changes.

[00:21:00] Sandy: And if you choose the negative coping skills, you will exacerbate the stress and not solve anything. When you choose to utilize positive coping skills, you'll be able to work through whatever the change or stressor is and resume your equilibrium. You always have the power to choose how you want to respond to whatever comes your way.

[00:21:21] Sandy: and how you want to cope. Cheers to 

[00:21:23] Shannon: coping. 

[00:21:25] Sandy: Cheers to coping. And thanks to all of our listeners for hanging in there with us. 

[00:21:31] Shannon: And for sharing your stories with us. We love when you tell us about your personal power and self esteem journeys. So please keep doing that. And also please Keep suggesting topics that you'd like us to address in future episodes.

[00:21:46] Shannon: It's really special for us to be able to talk about things we know matter to you. It's also awesome when you review our podcast, so you can do that if you would like to wherever you stream. You can also visit YourPersonalPowerPod. com, click contact [00:22:00] and drop us an email to talk to us directly. You can also get through to us on Instagram where you can find us at Your Personal Power Pod.

[00:22:07] Shannon: And if you want to learn about coaching and how it can change your life, You can reach out to Sandy at sandy at insidejobscoach. com and ask her about your free coaching call. And until next time, thank you so much for listening. We look forward to hearing from you and hearing all about how you found your power and changed your life.