How Do You Parent Your Adult Children?

If you’re a parent, when your child was young you had certain ideas on how you wanted to raise your little person.  Your job as parent was to guide him/her into becoming a reliable, responsible, healthy, happy adult.  In the process you probably made some mistakes (as we all do) and eventually grew into the role. However, once your child becomes an adult, the parent/child roles shift, and you might be left feeling lost and confused about how to relate to the now independent person who you once guided and parented.

In today’s episode of Your Personal Power Pod, we look at the changing roles of both parent and child, and how to navigate it as your little person becomes an adult.

We want to hear from you, whether it’s your stories about how self-esteem and personal power affect your life, or topics you’d like us to address in future episodes. We’d love for you to review our podcast. Do this on your streaming service or visit www.yourpersonalpowerpod.com , click Contact and drop us an email. You can also find us on Instagram at Your Personal Power Pod.

Also, if you’d like to make changes in your personal or business life, spending time with a coach can make all the difference.  Sandy is offering a free consultation, so contact her at sandy@insidejobscoach.com and put COACHING in the subject line to schedule a free call.

Thank you for listening to Your Personal Power Pod.  We look forward to hearing from you.

And, until next time, find your power and change your life!

Transcript

E77 how do you parent your adult child
[00:00:00] Shannon: Welcome to Your Personal Power Pod, a podcast about aligning yourself with the life you want. And here are your hosts, Sandy Abel and Shannon Young.
[00:00:21] Sandy: Shannon, you're having a good time already. 
[00:00:25] Shannon: You know what's funny? You probably don't even realize it, but you did the countdown before we started recording. Yes. And you did it so professionally and you've just started doing that. It's been such a neat journey to watch you kind of own this podcasting thing, when for so many years I was the broadcaster in the family and now you're sharing that gene.
[00:00:52] Sandy: Well, thank you for giving me that. Gene's so cool. You taught me how to do it. 
[00:00:57] Shannon: That's so fun. I'm watching [00:01:00] my mom grow up. It's so 
[00:01:01] Sandy: sweet. Kinda fits into what we're talking about today, which is parenting your adult children, right? We're all adult children. Every one of us is an adult child of somebody. If you are a parent of children, you may also be dealing with kids who have grown up when they're young.
[00:01:23] Sandy: Your relationship with them is one thing, but then as they mature, it shifts. Once your child is an adult, it can become very tricky and difficult if you're not aware that these shifts are happening. Yeah, so we thought we would talk 
[00:01:39] Shannon: about that. I think it's a great one. I know a lot of people who have strained relationships with their parents, and I think most of the parties involved don't want that.
[00:01:49] Shannon: They just don't know how to 
[00:01:50] Sandy: sort it out. Exactly. When you have a small person, you know what your job is. It's to give them love and take care of their physical needs and protect and [00:02:00] keep him safe. Provide food, clothing, and shelter of course, and then teach them about choices and values and rewards and consequences, and how to be reliable and responsible and respectful and kind and compassionate.
[00:02:12] Sandy: All those things you set rules and boundaries and follow through with appropriate rewards or consequences. When your child is really little, an infant or a small person, you make all the major decisions. And some of the minor ones, you might let them decide if they want milk or orange juice or water, but most of the decisions you make, you make sure your child knows the rules and what happens if they follow them, and what happens if they don't.
[00:02:36] Sandy: You slowly empower your child to make their own decisions, but it's a process. Mm-hmm. Once your child becomes an adolescent, it's a whole new thing, and a lot of people don't know how to deal with that, then Wow. When your child becomes an adult, it's different ballgame. It's a whole different thing.
[00:02:55] Shannon: Hopefully they've taken all those lessons that you taught them along the way and have [00:03:00] put that towards being their own capable, dependable, quality person. But that absolutely shifts the child's relationship with the parent because the child isn't a child anymore, and so the roles need to be 
[00:03:12] Sandy: redefined.
[00:03:13] Sandy: Exactly, and once a child's an adolescent, they need to be redefined too. If you have taught them about values and rewards and consequences and behavior and all those things, then by the time your child is 14, 15, 16, they're making decisions on their own and mm-hmm. It's important for you to support that and even allow them to make mistakes if they're not life-threatening or illegal.
[00:03:39] Sandy: When your child is a teenager, your job as a parent is to continue teaching and supporting your basic values and make sure they follow those and provide more opportunities for independence. Mm-hmm. You continue to give guidance and support, but you turn over the responsibility. A big one of those is when your child learns to [00:04:00] drive, all of a sudden they can go off where they want anytime they want.
[00:04:04] Sandy: If you allow that, they tell you where they're going or they don't, there's all kinds of independence happening that you may not have even planned for when they were young. 
[00:04:14] Shannon: At one point you told me probably when I was in my twenties, you said that almost every decision you made with me as a kid was designed to put me in a place to make good decisions.
[00:04:26] Shannon: When I learned how to drive. Because you knew that there would come a certain point when I would be out of your control and I would be my own person and could rebel. You were working up to that date. Yes. Not working up to the 
[00:04:38] Sandy: 18th birthday. Oh, no, no. Your dad and I were working up to all the steps you were taking to become more independent and be able to go where you want and do what you want and make choices about where you wanna work or where you wanna go to school or all kinds of.
[00:04:54] Sandy: Major and minor choices. You start that when your child is very [00:05:00] young, where you teach them to learn about rewards and consequences and values and those things, and also learn to trust themselves to make wise decisions. And then when they're an adolescent, it's really hard as a parent to step back and say, okay, this is the plan.
[00:05:17] Sandy: What's your perspective on that? And find out what it's like for the kid and what the kid sees and what they plan to go do. What was it like for you from the child perspective and the adolescent perspective? I 
[00:05:29] Shannon: have always felt pretty well heard and seen and respected, and I know we've had some really big blowout fights.
[00:05:39] Shannon: Because we're both big personalities, but for the most part, like I never felt the need to rebel much. You and dad did a really good job of making sure my brother and I had roots in our home and felt connected to our home and part of a tribe, which I think was really important. It was knowing that we were going to be [00:06:00] sitting down and eating dinner together every night.
[00:06:02] Shannon: That made it really easy to make other decisions or to not make other decisions. It also helped that you were working in. In counseling back when I was in high school and were frequently in and out at the school office as a counselor. So being able to say to people who might be putting peer pressure on me, yeah, I'd love to be able to do that stupid thing you're doing right now.
[00:06:22] Shannon: But my mom is here, she's part of my everyday life and makes herself visible in school and. To go home and disappoint my tribe would be more painful for me than risking embarrassment by not doing something my friends were doing. So I feel like just that one thing, knowing every day we were sitting down together as a family and having dinner and that we would all talk about each other's day.
[00:06:48] Shannon: And sometimes we'd fight and sometimes I'd cry and sometimes we would joke around and laugh and play music on our crystal glasses, you know? But it was a constant. And because of [00:07:00] that, I felt I had people and I do know friends from high school. Yes. Who did not have that consistency. Who Flailed because of it.
[00:07:10] Shannon: They didn't feel like they had people, even though their families loved them. Yes. They didn't have a daily 
[00:07:15] Sandy: touchstone. Yeah. And I don't know if families these days even do that family dinner thing anymore. It was important to us, to your dad and me. That was the time we got to hear about your day and we got to.
[00:07:29] Sandy: Find out what was going on in your life in those days. Fortunately, there were no screens. There were no phones, there was no anything. There was a television in the living room, and that was it. We didn't have to compete with those things, but we wanted to stay in touch with you even when you were 18.
[00:07:45] Sandy: Mm-hmm. To find out what's going on and how are things and how you feeling, and it's really important to connect. And I don't know if families do that. There may be other ways that they connect with their kids. 
[00:07:59] Shannon: I think it's [00:08:00] really important to make time for your family members. It feels like there is sometimes just an assumption that we're family, we love each other, and that may be true, but there's a whole lot to be said for.
[00:08:12] Shannon: Carving out time if not every day, because I know so many families have both parents or only one parent in the household, and that one parent's working, or both parents are working. And so sometimes it can be really hard to find a schedule. But I do think making that a priority has benefits far beyond just the togetherness in that moment.
[00:08:31] Sandy: Yes, absolutely. It's just continuing to foster relationships and provide that continuity that you were talking 
[00:08:38] Shannon: about. Then what happened when my brother and I grew up and we didn't really go away, we left home, but we didn't leave town for a while. And so how was it for 
[00:08:50] Sandy: you and dad? Well, you did, you went off to college, but then I 
[00:08:54] Shannon: came right home.
[00:08:56] Sandy: A year later. Yeah, a year later. Because they changed your program. [00:09:00] You also did not move back into the house. Yes, I did for a while. Well, short time, but your brother was here, so we were still sort of parenting, 
[00:09:09] Shannon: but then there was a point at which you had two adult children who were not in the house anymore, but were still relatively close.
[00:09:17] Shannon: For me, I really felt right, the weirdness that came with that when I did come back from college and I'd been living on my own while in a dorm for a year and had to move back in with you for a while. That is where I bumped up against. Mm-hmm. The, oh, I don't want to have a curfew, but I also need to respect the fact that my parents don't wanna be up all night worrying about me if I'm not coming home.
[00:09:40] Shannon: So how do we work that out? Right. I definitely felt that during 
[00:09:44] Sandy: that short time, Living there. I understand that. And I think we worked it out by saying, obviously we would prefer you come home because what you might be doing out at two or three in the morning might not be really healthy or safe. But if you're not gonna come home, please just let us know you're healthy and [00:10:00] safe.
[00:10:00] Sandy: Mm-hmm. And when you will be home. That seemed to work okay. I don't remember you ever gallivanting around until six in the morning. No. 
[00:10:09] Shannon: It was a subtle shift, but it went from parents saying, no, you live in our house. You'll be home when we tell you to be home to, hey, anytime you're living with a roommate who cares about you and vice versa, you extend this courtesy.
[00:10:24] Shannon: And so that made 
[00:10:25] Sandy: it easier. Exactly. And we become roommates. Right? 
[00:10:29] Shannon: We became 
[00:10:29] Sandy: roommates basically. Right. And you respect the roommate and if you don't show up, they're going to worry. The challenge for parents of young adults is how to redefine the roles. Yeah. And find a way to stay connected and be supportive, loving part of their lives, while still respecting their independence and ability to function like responsible adults.
[00:10:50] Sandy: Which you did really well. Um, thank you. And especially once their child is no longer financially dependent on you, then they have the right to [00:11:00] live their own life and it's important for the parent to let go of control and transfer the power to the child who's no longer a child. 
[00:11:09] Shannon: Yes, I have friends who have children who are young adults who up until recently still lived in their house.
[00:11:17] Shannon: And they were not charging them rent. Mm-hmm. And at a certain point I thought, this makes sense, the kid is getting on his or her feet. But after a couple of years of that, I wanted to say, right, you're not doing your kid any favors and you're not doing your relationship any 
[00:11:32] Sandy: favors. Oh my goodness. Yeah.
[00:11:34] Sandy: The word is enabling. Yes. If your child is healthy and capable and competent and has a job and is making money and all those things, and living in your house, they need to be paying rent. They need to be being a responsible adult because if they're not, and if you're still cooking dinner for them every night, or doing their laundry.
[00:11:55] Sandy: Or doing their laundry, exactly. You're not empowering them to move [00:12:00] ahead and become the adult that they are. You're still treating them like a child. The role definitions are very confused with that kind of thing. Mm-hmm. It's important that you communicate that. You talk to them and they talk to you about what the expectations are.
[00:12:16] Sandy: If they're adults and still staying in your home. Get clear on what it is you want from them. What your end goal is. Are you raising an adult or are you still keeping your child a child? 
[00:12:29] Shannon: Yes. And I think a big part of that is asking yourself, what am I hoping for here? Versus ultimately what do I want?
[00:12:38] Shannon: Because I can see how this struggle might be. I don't wanna lose my role as parent and I don't know how else to feel. What I wanna feel when I think about the fact that I'm parenting, cuz it means redefining yourself. 
[00:12:51] Sandy: Exactly. You have to lose your role as parent, right? You've been an adult for a long time.
[00:12:57] Sandy: You do not need a parent. You need a dear [00:13:00] friend who loves you more than anything in the world. You need somebody who's always there for you, but you do not need a parent to swoop in and tell you what to do. That role is over now, and a lot of parents are not able to let go of that because that's how they define themselves, right?
[00:13:17] Sandy: Especially a lot of stay-at-home moms or dads who have spent their whole child's life being the parent, and then suddenly the child doesn't need them anymore. It's really challenging for some people to figure out, okay, who am I now that my child doesn't need me to be the mom or the dad? And then you have to look at it yourself, and that's really hard for some people.
[00:13:42] Sandy: You have to be willing to let go of the parental role and transfer responsibility to your child. You show them your love and trust and support them as they move ahead. I think it's 
[00:13:51] Shannon: hard because so many of us as parents, if you do it for a couple of decades, You can start to question, who am I without this?[00:14:00] 
[00:14:00] Shannon: Am I something exactly. Am I someone without 
[00:14:03] Sandy: this? And that's where your whole self-esteem, personal power thing comes in, is you have to realize you were an individual long before you had children, and you will be an individual way longer after your children are grown. The challenge for all of us who have had children and been the parent, it's like you've had a job for 20 years and then you've left that job.
[00:14:26] Sandy: Mm-hmm. And you have to go find another job. And it could be a job that pays and is a career, or it can be just a new identity. Are you a musician? Are you an artist, writer? All kinds of things that people do that are part of who they are, that have nothing to do with parenting. A lot of folks choose to lose that when they are raising children, and then when their children leave, they look in the mirror and go, oh my goodness, now that he or she is gone, who am I?
[00:14:54] Sandy: It's 
[00:14:54] Shannon: so easy for this transition period to go sideways. Because there's [00:15:00] so much involved here. Yes. There's fear, there's anxiety, there's willfulness on the part of the adult child who's just raring to get on with their life and be their own person out from under their parents. It's so easy to get feelings hurt or to alienate your parents or your adult child.
[00:15:17] Shannon: Yes. With your behavior. Exactly. I know people who have run the gamut in their reactions. One woman was trying to be really involved in her son's life just like she was when he was at home, but now he lives hundreds of miles away, but she's still culling, right? And trying to be that same presence. It's alienating him.
[00:15:36] Shannon: He doesn't know how to say, I love you, but let me be my own person and she doesn't know how to say, I'm really scared that I'm gonna lose you. They didn't 
[00:15:43] Sandy: communicate about how they wanted to move forward. They didn't set boundaries about what works and doesn't work for each of them. So she's still trying to do what she always did and he's trying to emancipate and go be an adult.
[00:15:56] Sandy: Those two things don't work together until they talk [00:16:00] about it. Mm-hmm. And doesn't sound like that woman and her son are talking about it. So she may lose him for a while. Which is really 
[00:16:06] Shannon: sad, right? It sounds like the best thing to do is just to have a conversation about how things are changing, acknowledge that there's a shift, and that a shift needs to occur and that it's healthy for that to happen.
[00:16:17] Shannon: And then talk about where you want your relationship to be going forward. What does your adult child need? What do you need? And be honest with yourself. You know, you may wanna talk to the kid every day, but that's probably not helpful right now for the adult child. Right. It's gonna take some give and take, but you gotta communicate or it can just 
[00:16:36] Sandy: unwind.
[00:16:37] Sandy: Right? You'll just drive your adult child away. Mm-hmm. And the adult child needs to be able to stand up and say, Hey, this is what I need. You were a wonderful mom or dad, and that's fabulous and you still are. But things have changed and now I'm running my life. I'm living 3000 miles away. I make money. I have my own friends, and I wanna share that with you.
[00:16:59] Sandy: But I don't want [00:17:00] you to try to control it. And the adult child needs to be able to stand up and say, Hey, let's reevaluate this because we love each other. It's got nothing to do with loving each other. You always love each other. It's just where do we fit with each other now? And if you don't identify it and talk about it doesn't happen, it will just be a problem.
[00:17:20] Sandy: I 
[00:17:20] Shannon: think we were pretty clever in the solution that we came up 
[00:17:23] Sandy: with. Oh, nice. What did we do that was clever? 
[00:17:27] Shannon: Well, we came up with a system of interacting that works for us, for you and dad and me. I don't know if it's the same system that you and dad and my brother use, but it works for us. And that is, as the adult child, I am in control of my own life.
[00:17:45] Shannon: But I love you and wanna have a relationship with you, so what you think matters to me. So you get to say whatever you need to say, right? But I get to 
[00:17:53] Sandy: do. Whatever I need to do. As you know, I have thoughts about things, and [00:18:00] if I see you or your brother doing something that I think could be dangerous or illegal or hazardous, if I just.
[00:18:09] Sandy: Totally ignore it and keep my mouth shut. I will never forgive myself if it really goes sideways and something awful happens. We did have that conversation with both you and your brother. We need to be able to share our thoughts and they're not critical. Angry, analyzing kinds of thoughts. We're not attacking you.
[00:18:29] Sandy: We're simply saying this is what could happen. If you choose to do that, maybe 
[00:18:35] Shannon: rethink that face tattoo. 
[00:18:37] Sandy: Yes, exactly. Or thank you, I'm gonna do it anyway. Either way, it is your choice as a reliable, responsible adult to do it, but at least it won't come back to haunt me, that if I'd said something, it might not have gone south.
[00:18:55] Sandy: So in a way I'm taking care of myself, but I'm also hoping that you will [00:19:00] listen to the ancient wisdom that I have since I'm older than you are and have experienced more, like, as you said, a face tattoo if you chose to get one. They're very popular these days, but it would severely impact your ability to get certain jobs.
[00:19:16] Sandy: You may not think about that if you're out with your friends and everybody's getting one. But it's important to look at the consequences of your choices, and all I wanna be able to do is point that out and then you can do what you want. 
[00:19:29] Shannon: Yeah, it's worked 
[00:19:30] Sandy: really well for us, so I'm glad to know that works for you.
[00:19:33] Sandy: I think that works for your brother too, 
[00:19:35] Shannon: but ultimately it seems like a really cool solution, like a really simple solution. But really all we did was treat each other ourselves and the relationship with respect and kindness and 
[00:19:48] love 
[00:19:48] Sandy: and talk about it, right? Nobody gets worked up. Nobody feels they are right.
[00:19:53] Sandy: Nobody gets angry. If somebody disagrees, we just share our thoughts. Then you and your [00:20:00] brother are fine doing whatever you want, and we will never, ever come back and say, oh, we told you so. And maybe it'll work out. Who knows? I'm glad that you feel our system works for you. It works for us and I think it's made it so we can stay connected and be a close-knit family without huge expectations or worrying about disappointing somebody.
[00:20:23] Sandy: We're just now all adults. Who are dear friends, and I hope that that's what our listeners can create with their adult children and maybe adult children can create with their parents if their parents haven't considered doing that. Otherwise, you're gonna lose each other, and that is really, really, really sad.
[00:20:42] Shannon: Thank you for working through that transition 
[00:20:44] Sandy: with us. Oh my goodness. You're welcome. Being your mom is the greatest joy in my life, so I wanna keep that going in whatever way we can. Keep that going. Oh, thank you, mama. I love you. You're pretty awesome, Jan. I hope that our [00:21:00] listeners are able to work out whatever it is they want to have with their parents and with their adult children so that they can continue to have a loving, caring relationship as you move ahead together.
[00:21:14] Sandy: It's the best stuff of life. It's what it's all about. So shall we wrap it up? Bring us home. When your children are small, your job as a parent is to make sure they are safe, fed, housed, clothed, and loved. It's also your job to teach them about choices, rewards, and consequences, and to help them become reliable, responsible, and healthy.
[00:21:34] Sandy: When your child is young, the role definitions and boundaries are pretty clear. You're the parent in charge and the child is expected to follow the rules. As they grow older, the power and control slowly shift as your child learns to be reliable and responsible and respectful and take care of him or herself in various ways.
[00:21:52] Sandy: Once your child becomes an adult and leaves home, the balance of power shifts completely, and the parents are no longer in [00:22:00] control. Parents are often unsure what their role will be in their child's life now that he or she is an independent adult. Sometimes parents also lose their sense of identity when this shift happens.
[00:22:11] Sandy: That's something they need to look at their self-esteem and their personal power. At this point, it's important for parents and children to communicate about how they want their relationship to function as they move ahead. And together you can share hopes, expectations, boundaries and desires, and outline how you see moving into the future in a loving but different relationship.
[00:22:34] Sandy: That's the key. Allowing 
[00:22:36] Shannon: it to be different, 
[00:22:37] Sandy: allowing it to be different, and finding the good in it, and finding the way it works for all of the people involved. It's about communication and respect and boundaries. You can do it. Everybody can do it. Just be aware and make it happen, and 
[00:22:52] Shannon: then tell us about it.
[00:22:53] Shannon: Yes, because we love to hear from you and we love your stories about how self-esteem and personal power affect your [00:23:00] life. Or if you wanna suggest topics for future episodes, please do. We love that Also. You can review our podcast at the same time, and you can do that wherever you stream. Or if you just wanna talk to us directly, you can visit your personal power pod.com.
[00:23:14] Shannon: Click contact and drop us an email. You can also get in touch with us through Instagram, where you can find us at your personal power pod. And if you wanna learn how coaching can change your life, contact Sandy for your free coaching. Call at sandy@insidejobscoach.com. Thank you so much for listening. We look forward to hearing from you.
[00:23:33] Shannon: And until next time, find your power and change your life.[00:24:00]