Where Do You Get Your Identity and Validation?

Your identity is how you and society define you, based on a wide variety of things from your family, nationality, age and ethnicity to your social standing, appearance, and job.  When you have a solid sense of self, you are in charge of your personal identity, and you will be mentally, physically and emotionally healthy. However, when things in your personal or social life change, your identity might be shaken and you could feel lost and confused.  In today’s episode of Your Personal Power Pod, we talk about your identity, where it comes from, what happens when it shifts, and the value of validation.


We want to hear from you, whether it’s your stories about how self-esteem and personal power affect your life, or topics you’d like us to address in future episodes. We’d love for you to review our podcast. Do this on your streaming service or visit www.yourpersonalpowerpod.com , click Contact and drop us an email. You can also find us on Instagram at Your Personal Power Pod.

Also, if you’d like to make changes in your personal or business life, spending time with a coach can make all the difference.  Sandy is offering a free consultation, so contact her at sandy@insidejobscoach.com and put COACHING in the subject line to schedule a free call.

Thank you for listening to Your Personal Power Pod.  We look forward to hearing from you.

And, until next time, find your power and change your life!

Transcript

E86 where do you get your identity

[00:00:00] Shannon: Welcome to Your Personal Power Pod, a podcast about aligning yourself with the life you want. And here are your hosts, Sandy Abel and Shannon Young.

[00:00:20] Sandy: Shannon, how are you today? I am 

[00:00:22] Shannon: well. I'm so glad. 

[00:00:24] Sandy: And yourself? I am great, thank you. All is good. We're having a beautiful September day, and I'm looking forward to today's episode because it's really important for all of 

[00:00:37] Shannon: us. Yes, and this is a listener suggested topic, so thank you hugely. It's interesting how I've noticed that when we have listener suggested topics, I find they are Frequently themes that are running through my life as well.

[00:00:54] Shannon: So I don't know if we're just kind of all on the same page or if all of these self esteem topics are [00:01:00] just kind of interconnected, but I really appreciate it when people bring subjects to the forefront that I'm like, yeah. I've been struggling with that too, 

[00:01:09] Sandy: so thank you. Absolutely. Very much so. And it's great to hear from our listeners.

[00:01:14] Sandy: It's nice to know we're not alone struggling with what we're struggling with, but I'm sorry that they're having to deal with whatever they're dealing with. And hopefully when we talk about it, it can be support for them. Today, our listener said he has been a professional person working in his own office with a few employees for 40 years.

[00:01:35] Sandy: And over the years, things have shifted a little bit. During the pandemic, his employees worked remotely and they liked that a lot. So they're still working remotely and he's alone in his beautiful office and said he realized that it's time for him to create a home office and move home too. a lot of sense, but he's surprised to see that he's really [00:02:00] struggling with his identity now.

[00:02:02] Sandy: He has been for 40 years the professional with the nice office and the staff, all working in the office, and now he'll be home in his own little space. It really shakes his identity and he's wondering about his validation. How is he going to feel validated when he can't have people come to his nice office and appreciate what it is and what he does?

[00:02:27] Sandy: I know a lot of people have had to deal with that, especially during the pandemic. Everything shifted and a lot of people have not been able to go back to what they were doing before. So it just seems like this is a perfect topic for us to talk about today. 

[00:02:42] Shannon: Yes, and we've kind of touched on identity before.

[00:02:45] Shannon: Who are you? What does that mean? How do you define yourself? But when you have one of these big changes, it can really make you get clear about those things or start questioning those things. Like, who am I without X, Y, 

[00:02:58] Sandy: Z? [00:03:00] Exactly, just like our listener, without having to dress up, look professional, and go to the nice office and be downtown every day, he's struggling.

[00:03:10] Sandy: Identity is the collection of attributes and beliefs and experiences that shape how you perceive yourself. Part of his is the office and the employees, and it's also how you think others perceive you. It can get very confusing when it shifts. 

[00:03:26] Shannon: And it's also, I think, the loss of... A routine and being a part of something like I know this particular listener has a daily routine that includes being out and about downtown.

[00:03:40] Shannon: And so I'm sure removing himself from that feels like fear of missing out. Like he's leaving an experience. 

[00:03:48] Sandy: Exactly. It's a shift. And as we often say, life is about change. But if you really identify with what you do for a living, this is a huge change. [00:04:00] It affects your concept of how you think and define yourself.

[00:04:03] Shannon: So there's a little bit of an identity crisis going on. Even though his profession stays the same, he'll still be doing the same work. Right. All of those accompanying factors also played a part in helping him 

[00:04:17] Sandy: define himself. Exactly. When you have an identity crisis, which he is experiencing, feeling uncertain and confused.

[00:04:25] Sandy: And trying to figure out who you are now that things have changed. For some people, a big part of their identity might be their family or their social role or their job, as we're talking about. 

[00:04:37] Shannon: Yeah. How do you fit in the world? 

[00:04:39] Sandy: And when that changes, you can be left feeling lost and confused. Although the reality is, throughout your lifetime, you will go through many When you're a teenager, you're struggling to figure out who am I now that I'm not a little person and I'm not yet an adult, then once you [00:05:00] become an adult, you're no longer identify as the teenager you were.

[00:05:04] Sandy: And then as you get older, you may not be as physically fit and be able to identify yourself as the athlete that you were. Many, many other things also shift as you move through life. As you grow and experience your life, your identity will shift. Sometimes it's a slow, subtle change, and sometimes it's really fast, like it is for our listener.

[00:05:27] Sandy: And 

[00:05:27] Shannon: I think that's key here. Sometimes we are ready for a shift long before the shift occurs, and then when it does, there's just a feeling of relief. In this case, the decision was made pretty quickly, and so even though his head is saying this is the right thing to do, the rest of him has To catch 

[00:05:47] Sandy: up.

[00:05:48] Sandy: Right. And you can't create your new identity until you've let go of the old one. Sometimes that's a process. It's like when people get married, that's something they want as they're planning for the [00:06:00] wedding and whatever that is and moving in together or whatever they're going to do. They're in the process of letting go.

[00:06:06] Sandy: of their single life. And it is a process. It takes time. You might experience an identity crisis even with something that you want, like having a baby or getting married or graduating from college and having to go out in the world and earn a living. You might identify as a student and then suddenly you're not a student anymore.

[00:06:27] Sandy: It's like, oh my goodness, who am I? I haven't been able to find a job yet, and I'm not a student, and oh, dear. An identity crisis comes from a lot of things, a lot of changes, a change in your values or your life path. Sometimes it's physical illness or traumatic experience can certainly cause an identity crisis.

[00:06:46] Sandy: And I 

[00:06:46] Shannon: think what is often forgotten, because when we get into these situations where we feel like we don't know who we are anymore, we just want to go back to feeling secure in our knowledge of self. The fact is, [00:07:00] if you sit and wallow in the fact that you're feeling uncomfortable and you don't know who you are, you won't get back to that feeling of security and sense of self.

[00:07:10] Shannon: You gotta start moving forward. You have to start taking steps. You have to start experimenting to figure out who you are now, because that's the only way to get to a new happy place. You can't go back. There is no going back, but you can get to that. place of feeling secure in your sense of identity, but you just have to start playing around with it.

[00:07:30] Shannon: Like you have to start taking steps, making 

[00:07:32] Sandy: movement. Yeah, you can rebuild your identity and you have often in your life. If you look back, you'll realize you've done that. At the moment when you're feeling it, you might feel lost and not have any self confidence or struggle with your self esteem or even question your value or your worth.

[00:07:52] Sandy: And then you might also feel like you can't think, you do that fuzzy brain, brain fog thing, or you don't feel like you have a [00:08:00] sense of purpose. I think that's where our listener is. He knows he's still working, and he's still doing his job, and that's his purpose, but it just feels so different that he has to create a new sense of purpose around where he is now.

[00:08:14] Sandy: And you get confused about your values. You might be emotionally scattered or have difficulty controlling your emotions. You might be really short tempered. tempered or cry a lot or yell at people, feel increased anxiety and even depressed. So there are a lot of things that happen when you experience an identity crisis.

[00:08:33] Sandy: I've gone through this 

[00:08:34] Shannon: a couple of times and I think the word that best describes how I felt when it was a quick change and I wasn't prepared for it was just unmoored. 

[00:08:43] Sandy: That's a good definition. Yeah. I had to 

[00:08:46] Shannon: get comfortable being 

[00:08:47] Sandy: uncomfortable for a little while. Oh wow, that's wise. 

[00:08:51] Shannon: And just recognizing this is where good self esteem comes into play, because ultimately I knew at my base [00:09:00] level that I'm a valuable person, and just because I can't draw a box around who I am now and point to it and say, this is Shannon.

[00:09:08] Shannon: doesn't mean that I'm any less valuable, it just means I'm evolving and that is a good thing. We all want to do that. That's the whole point of being here is to grow and learn and evolve and progress. That's definitely part of 

[00:09:21] Sandy: the process. Definitely. That's beautiful. And it's great that you understood that and were able to deal with that and make that happen.

[00:09:29] Sandy: How about you? 

[00:09:30] Shannon: You don't ever seem like you've been unclear 

[00:09:33] Sandy: about who you are. I think being a mom is the greatest joy of my life, and even though you and your brother are older now and definitely don't need a mom momming you, I really identified with that. When you left for college, it was hard because we have a really special relationship.

[00:09:52] Sandy: Yes. But you were only three hours away and I could see you when I really wanted to and your brother was still home. But when [00:10:00] he left a few years later, all of a sudden my mom identity went away. Sure, I'm still a mom and I'm very proud of that, but I didn't get to do the mom job anymore. And that was really hard.

[00:10:13] Sandy: I was figuring out. Okay, who am I now that I don't need to do all these things that I've learned to do for the last 23 years? I perfected it, and then it was not necessary anymore. All my skills were not necessary, and I had to create new ones, and that was really tricky. How did you do that? I looked at being the mom of an adult child is like my new job.

[00:10:37] Sandy: I have other work jobs, but as far as parenting, and I wanted to keep you and your brother in my life, and I figured, how am I going to do that? Who am I going to be now? So that they still want to be around when they can or be in touch. So I had to redefine what the role of the parent of adult children is versus the [00:11:00] parent of small children.

[00:11:01] Sandy: And that was a process, but I think that it worked out pretty well. 

[00:11:05] Shannon: So you didn't let go of the role. You just redefined the role. You wrote yourself a new job description. 

[00:11:12] Sandy: That's it. It's like I got promoted or demoted or something. But I still had the job. It's very different. And like our listener, he still has the job, but it's just playing out.

[00:11:26] Sandy: in a different venue and in a different way, so he has to define how that works for him, and that's what we each have 

[00:11:33] Shannon: to do. Yes, I think it can be helpful when you run across a situation where your identity is shifting to spend some time finding anchor points. With you, you were still a mom, your kids hadn't gone anywhere.

[00:11:48] Shannon: on a grand scale, like we'd moved out, but we were still your kids. And so you can say, okay, one of my anchor points is I'm still a mom. It's just that my mom duties have changed. So now you've kind of [00:12:00] found a place to stand and to start from, because I think what's really scary in these situations is that you don't know where to stand.

[00:12:06] Shannon: The ground underneath your feet has shifted. And so if you can find something to hang on to, even if it's something as little as, or as insignificant as like with me. When I don't know who I am, I go kayaking. It's beautiful. Because that is where I feel 100 percent in my body, in the moment, doing a thing that I love.

[00:12:26] Shannon: And that reminds me that there are some parts of me that aren't changing. And then that makes it a whole lot easier to look at the parts that are. 

[00:12:34] Sandy: That's perfect. And it's wonderful that you figured out how to ground yourself, get yourself back. to who you are. That's beautiful. And I encourage all of our listeners to look at what makes your heart sing, like kayaking does for Shan.

[00:12:49] Sandy: What makes you really, really happy? Any time you get confused or feel lost, find a way to do that, even for an hour or a day or whatever you can do, [00:13:00] get yourself grounded and back in touch with who you are, and then you focus on what's important 

[00:13:05] Shannon: to you. Yes, because I know a lot of people who are in.

[00:13:08] Shannon: Places in their life where they didn't expect to be there or they did expect to be there, but they didn't expect it to feel the way it feels. And so saying to them, do what makes you happy is like, but I don't know what makes me happy. It can sometimes feel like just more pressure to do something that brings you great joy if you aren't experiencing great joy in your life.

[00:13:29] Shannon: I'd like to return to kind of a biofeedback approach, which is just like, where are you when you notice that you're breathing? If it means sitting and staring in the backyard, are you breathing? Awesome. Do that. Because I think a lot of people are just holding their breath and they don't know that they're holding their breath and you can't do anything if you're not breathing.

[00:13:51] Sandy: Exactly. And just stopping for five, 10 minutes, like you say, taking some deep breaths and getting really present. Pay attention [00:14:00] to what the grass feels like under your feet, or what the breeze feels like in your face. Just be in the moment that will help you get centered. 

[00:14:09] Shannon: And once you're there, you can allow yourself to feel whatever it is you're actually feeling.

[00:14:15] Shannon: Without judgment, that's key. Just let yourself be. Emote. Let those feelings come, because the only way to get them out is to feel them. And then acknowledge, you know, I may be feeling things that I don't want to feel, but the sooner I feel them, the sooner they're gone. And allow that to happen. Don't 

[00:14:33] Sandy: judge yourself.

[00:14:34] Sandy: Oh, yeah. There's no room for judgment when you're experiencing the feelings that go with a transition or a change or an identity shift. Allow yourself to be. Find the good in the situation. Things may be changing, like with our listener. One door is closing, but there are others that are opening. He can go to work in his slippers if he wants, or in his pajamas if he [00:15:00] wants, as long as he's not doing Zoom meetings.

[00:15:02] Sandy: He can not have to pay the gasp cost to drive to work every day. I mean, there are positives in every situation if you stay optimistic and find them and then focus on the future and create a plan for how you want to move ahead. 

[00:15:19] Shannon: Like I can imagine him taking a look at the changes in his world and saying, well, heck, I'm not paying several thousand dollars in rent for my downtown office anymore.

[00:15:29] Shannon: That's several thousand more dollars I have every month. What can I do with that? And then that gives him something to be excited about that pertains to the change. 

[00:15:39] Sandy: Exactly. 

[00:15:41] Shannon: And that can help you stay optimistic and focus on the future and then kind of create a plan for how you want 

[00:15:48] Sandy: to move ahead. And if you're really feeling muddled in your brain, talk to a trusted friend or a coach or get support from other people so you can get another perspective [00:16:00] on what's going on.

[00:16:01] Sandy: And that can be really 

[00:16:02] Shannon: helpful with the next step in the process, which is finding 

[00:16:04] Sandy: validation. Absolutely. As our listener said, he got a lot of validation out of having people come to his nice office and be impressed. Validation is when you or someone else appreciates and agrees with what you have or what you do or what you believe or what you say, and it's when you're proud of and feel positive about yourself for a variety of reasons.

[00:16:29] Sandy: And he got a lot of validation from doing his job in his office with his employees. 

[00:16:35] Shannon: Yes, I think we get used to seeking validation outside of ourselves, and if you can learn to validate yourself, then your power increases exponentially. 

[00:16:46] Sandy: That's where your personal power comes in, is when you are willing to be proud of who you are and what you're doing.

[00:16:54] Sandy: Pat yourself on the back for having the strength and the wisdom to move ahead. You gotta [00:17:00] encourage yourself. And accept all of your feelings without judgment, and treat yourself with kindness. Be nice to yourself. 

[00:17:07] Shannon: And celebrate yourself. Celebrate your successes. Acknowledge your progress and your strengths and your 

[00:17:14] Sandy: effort.

[00:17:15] Sandy: Yes, it takes a lot of courage. You are voluntarily making a change like our listener is. It takes a lot of courage to do that. And a lot of wisdom to look at the situation and say, Wow, you know, this has been wonderful for 40 years, but it's shifted now and I have to go with the shift. And so what am I doing next?

[00:17:36] Sandy: That takes courage and you need to be proud of yourself for that. Mm hmm. And also, accept your limitations and your flaws and your mistakes and be compassionate with yourself while you do this shift. Nobody does it perfectly. 

[00:17:49] Shannon: I think we are frequently our own worst critic and the voice in our head can be so much more harsh and mean and degrading than [00:18:00] we would ever talk to anybody else.

[00:18:02] Shannon: But when we talk to ourselves like that, and I think a lot of us do, you just undermine your progress. And why? There's no need to be so awful to yourself. Be your own 

[00:18:12] Sandy: best friend. Exactly. Love yourself, flaws and all, and be really, really proud of yourself for being willing to make this shift. So validate the heck out of yourself.

[00:18:24] Sandy: For dealing with the identity shift. 

[00:18:27] Shannon: Yes. I think our listener will do just fine. He made a great decision for himself and now he just has to catch up to it. We know you can do it and life will be better 

[00:18:36] Sandy: afterwards. Absolutely. There will be so many positives coming your way, and you'll still be able to identify as the professional you are, and other people will still appreciate and validate you, and hopefully you will validate yourself and be proud of what you've done.

[00:18:55] Sandy: Yes. Wrap us up, Sandy. Okay, your identity is the collection [00:19:00] of attributes, beliefs, and experiences that shape how you perceive yourself and how you are perceived by others. These include your family, ethnicity, social affiliations, job, nationality, hobbies, and all kinds of other things. And your identity evolves and changes often over your lifetime.

[00:19:17] Sandy: It often shifts because of a major life change, and sometimes when this happens, you might experience an identity crisis, where you're no longer sure of who you are or where you belong. When this happens, you might experience brain fog, anxiety and depression, feeling lost with no sense of purpose, and low confidence and low self esteem.

[00:19:36] Sandy: There are many things you can do when you experience an identity crisis, including validating and being gentle with yourself, finding the positive in the situation, talking with a supportive person. And when you stay optimistic, claim your personal power, and focus on the future, you'll be able to move ahead and create your new identity and be very proud of yourself in the process.

[00:19:58] Shannon: We support you. We know [00:20:00] you're 

[00:20:00] Sandy: awesome. Absolutely. Absolutely. And we admire your courage and strength and are looking forward to hearing how it all turns out. So thank you again to our listener for letting us know what's going on in his life, and to all of you for joining us on this fun self esteem personal power journey.

[00:20:18] Sandy: Thank you, Sandy. Thank you, Shannon. And thank you, everybody. And please, we want to hear 

[00:20:23] Shannon: from you. We love your stories about how self esteem and personal power affect your life. We also love it when, like our listener today, you suggest topics for us to address in future episodes, because when you want to hear about something, we want to talk about it.

[00:20:35] Shannon: And we would love for you to review our podcast and you can do so wherever you stream. If you'd rather just talk to us directly, you can visit yourpersonalpowerpod. and drop us an email. And if you'd like to learn how coaching can change your life, contact Sandy at sandy at insidejobscoach. com. As always, we look forward to hearing from you and until next time, find your power and change your life.[00:21:00]